Later that day, Erika and Yolanda are at a hotel getting ready to meet up with Eileen, Kyle, and Lisa Vanderpump. Yolanda explains that Erika is about to meet some of her friends, but I really wish she would just say, “Time to meet the rest of the cast you signed up to brawl alongside for at least a season!” I mean, the whole thing would just ring so much more true, you know? And what’s Yolanda looking forward to most about all of this? That the women will get to know Erika’s brain, which is exactly how I feel when I introduce one friend to another. (“Hey, Nicole!” I say all the time. “Check out Becky’s brain! It’s so cute.”) Lisa arrives first and she is taken aback by how Barbie-like Erika appears (guess she’ll notice her brain after she marvels at all that hair) and then Kyle shows up and swoons over Erika’s ring, which means she skipped over the brain thing too. And it’s all fun and games while they try on a Cartier ring that costs more than a car until Kyle looks at Yolanda and notices that she appears pale and wan. She asks how she’s doing and Yolanda responds that she’s feeling sick. Kyle then tells Lisa that two of Yolanda’s kids are sick with Lyme Disease – and that’s news to Lisa. She has known Yolanda’s kids for years and she is as close as can be with the father of those children and it is nothing but peculiar that none of this has come out before. The entire thing? It’s f*cking odd and it’s sad and, in my opinion, it’s so unnecessary for television.
Things lighten up a bit when Lisa offers to do a pap smear for Erika. Sadly, Eileen arrives before the stirrups can be brought out onto the terrace, but the joyfulness continues to soar when Kyle invites Erika to join them in the Hamptons too. And Erika is in! She will hop on her private plane and land beside Kyle’s store and she will do it all after performing as Erika Jayne in Chicago where she will have worn no clothes and writhed around on a floor sassily because she is an artist and that’s what artists do. You know what else (con) artists do? They marry rich older men and stay with them for a good long time and, should it end, they walk away with half the guy’s fortune and they tell brand new friends that plan over tea with a wink and a smile.
When it comes out that Erika’s husband is seventy-six years old, Lisa nods sagely, like she has finally figured the woman out, and Eileen looks vaguely disgusted. I recommend, however, that nobody utter anything too negative about any of this or Erika will morph immediately into Erika Jayne and pull on a body stocking made entirely from mesh and leather and crawl on her hands and knees across the floor and slug you in the face with both her fist and her ponytail and she will do it all in a very sassy way because, again, she’s an artist and she loves her husband and f*ck you if you believe otherwise.
Talk moves (thankfully) from the virility of Erika’s aged husband to the party Lisa threw for Ken and I once again get to realize that I f*cking love Lisa Vanderpump. Mentioning Taylor, she then clearly states, “I wanted to slap her.” See, that’s how I think everyone should feel about Taylor because Taylor sucks sweaty goat scrotum and her willingness to compromise everything about herself for some time on TV makes me feel queasy inside and I cannot possibly be the only one with such an opinion because the lady is no longer on this show full-time. But the reason I can’t stand Kyle is also illustrated here when she reacts with total surprise that Lisa wanted to deck the woman. We’ll get back to metaphorically cold-clocking Taylor shortly, but first Yolanda brings up that she heard that Taylor and Lisa were speaking about whether or not she was really sick. Kyle’s eyes bug right out of her head at the start of the conversation and they all but fly across the room and hit other diners when Eileen chooses to be frank and honest with the woman sitting before her instead of pretending she doesn’t know anything like Kyle prefers to do. To stand up for Lisa Rinna, Eileen explains that there is some talk about what is going on with Yolanda’s health and that Lisa got caught up in a conversation about such a thing and that she feels terribly for engaging in any of it. Eileen tells Yolanda that Lisa wants to speak to her about what happened because she loves her and never wants to feel as though she has betrayed Yolanda in any way and Yolanda reacts to this news by nodding coldly and repeating, “I can’t even deal,” before she kisses them all goodbye and rushes off the premises. Erika stays behind and gazes warily at the women who are affiliated with people who are questioning the integrity of her friend and she has to be wondering if being on this show is worth it or not.
(Hint: it’s not.)
On a brand new day, Hanky is deemed to be healthy and he has put his weight back on. Lisa holds him and kisses him softly and whispers, “Be romantic,” in the swan’s ear. I find the whole thing entirely endearing. I really like Lisa and I think that means that she can do almost anything without getting my judgment. But look, I didn’t randomly select her as the Housewife to like the most. Instead, I have reacted to her wit and her blunt manner exhibited over the years. I guess the thing is this: if I like you, I’ll let you get away with anything, including cooing to a swan who has just recovered from projectile diarrhea.
Back in Yolanda’s house, her children have arrived home. They’re all rather gorgeous and it’s sweet to see them there alongside Yolanda’s mother. Yolanda and her mother head off to pick some lemons and then they recline on a beautiful bluff to talk about the upcoming surgery. Yolanda begins to cry as she discusses how much she wants to be healthy and to see her babies grow and her mother holds her and offers her some comfort. The entire scene is shattering and it only gets more upsetting when Yolanda presents her will to her children. The trauma on her kids’ faces is immediate and I feel terribly for all of them but what I seriously cannot believe is that she is having this conversation with her children on camera. (Quick story: A few years ago, my blessedly healthy mother called to ask me to come over so I could help her photograph her jewelry for her will. After asking if there was anyone else on the planet who could help her with such a depressing deed, I showed up and spent an afternoon sucking back muted hysteria at the idea of losing my mother while she held up diamonds and some emerald brooch I’d never seen before. It felt scary and I left filled with an impending sense of doom and had someone pointed a camera at my face just then – and had that person been assisted by my mother – I think I might have passed out due to undistilled fury.) While much of the sh*t on this show is patently unnecessary, something so intimately confusing and painful that involves someone’s kids just crosses a line for me. And look, maybe it’s just me who feels this way and everybody else watching thinks this is a profound scene that will help other people who are also having implants removed from their chest cavities, but I think Yolanda’s New Year’s resolution should perhaps be to keep conversations that will psychologically warp her kids off-camera for the time being. If I finally mastered the art of not swallowing gum, she can master that one.
Next week, Erika calls Lisa Vanderpump “diva” over the phone because Erika Jayne momentarily commandeered her vocal cords and her brain and Kim Richards gets arrested at the very moment Kyle is attempting to feel fabulous in the Hamptons. And so it seems that the new year on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will just be bringing us more of the same and I might need to start directing my attention to more upbeat fare.
Making a Murderer, here I come!
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.