Here’s the thing: so far on this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a lot of things have almost happened. Kyle was almost unceremoniously disinvited from her niece’s wedding – but she ended up attending, even as more than half of her family remained on the Do Not Admit list. Lisa Vanderpump almost bought her husband a dwarfy horse, but she ended up not bringing it home with her on her friend’s private plane because one of the animal’s front legs was a little wonky. Yolanda almost made it through an entire meal with the rest of the Housewives before having to leave before the main course was served due to complications from her illness. Luckily, the rest of them were happy to talk about her in her absence so it was like she was there. The new Housewife, Erika, almost made a full impression on me, but the truth is that I’m still remarkably confused by her. However, like I said last time, I have high hopes for the very natural looking blonde because, if she does well on this show, maybe Kim Richards will never return to star in anything but my sweatiest fever dreams. Eileen almost behaved in a manner that was interesting, but she didn’t quite pull it off because I have a hard time caring about the struggles inherent in carpooling. Still, I do find her stability rather pleasant and I think it’s always nice to have another normal Housewife around. Lisa Rinna almost threw down with Taylor at Ken’s birthday party while both of them were wearing ridiculous hats, but Lisa wisely decided against it. I think that somewhere in the back of her mind she remembers that she once had to apologize to that piece of sh*t Kim Richards during last season’s reunion show for sending her a nasty text message that contained only the truth and I’m pretty sure that she might have grabbed her own thigh so tightly as she was all but forced to make such a bullsh*t apology to a monster and that there’s a good chance she punctured her skin with a fingernail in the process and got herself a pesky little infection. Realizing that Taylor is desperate to be back on this show and only wants a reaction anyway is what I think enabled Lisa to keep her lips clamped tightly together. As a result, a confrontation almost happened – but didn’t. And what do all of these they-almost-happened moments mean? It means that nothing has actually transpired so far on this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and so I entered into tonight’s episode not expecting much.
Turns out, I wasn’t wrong to have low expectations. Lord (and Satan) help me, but I almost miss Brandi. (Calm down – I said almost. I respect a theme!)
Tonight’s episode begins with Lisa strolling across her massive property alongside her trusty housekeeper and the luckiest dog who has ever romped through the universe. It’s a big day, so Giggy is properly decked out in a festive velvet outfit that’s an alarming shade of purple. All of the excitement is due to the fact that Lisa’s friends have been able to procure her a replacement for the dwarf horse she wasn’t able to bring home for Ken and I think this means that the moral of any story is that Lisa always manages to get exactly what she wants and that’s why I am officially telling all of the owls in all of the land to f*ck off because Lisa Vanderpump is my spirit animal now. Anyway, not only have Lisa’s friends (who I’m tirelessly weaving personalized friendship bracelets for because I wouldn’t mind having the kind of friends who bring me farm animals instead of bottles of wine) brought her one horse; they brought her a baby horse too! Though the prospect of having two horses feels mildly daunting, Lisa happily agrees to take them both. She figures they can play with one another and she gently leads them across the moat where the swans circle unhappily, realizing that they are so yesterday’s news.
I didn’t notice it much last week because I was too busy trying to use my floundering math skills to deduce the age difference between Erika and her husband, but Erika’s house is kind of oppressive in terms of style. There are lots of heavy curtains and large upholstered chairs and a ton of brown wood everywhere you look. The house is grand for sure, but it’s also the kind of style that I think would give me claustrophobia in about five minutes flat. I’ll tuck that phobia into my back pocket and break it out when necessary, like when it will help me to flee from a party before the hostess slithers across her own dining room table while singing her hit dance song while wearing a unitard. There’s no slithering going on right now though. Sitting in a pink plush robe on one of her sofas in one of her nineteen living rooms, Erika calls her husband on speakerphone. He’s busy at work and they set up when they’ll meet for dinner and, as she talks to him, she flirts and twirls her hair like she’s Kim MacAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. I almost expected her to belt out How Lovely to Be a Woman, but there was nobody to work the auto-tune in the house so the woman just kept quiet. Erika would like us to know that she’s just as busy as the man who clearly built the legal empire that pays for her Gothic house, her blonde extensions, and the S&M attire she likes to perform in and I say that she should do whatever makes her happy, though it is a little bit weird the way she refers to her alter ego as a completely separate person. Beyoncé could barely pull that sh*t off with Sasha Fierce – and she’s f*cking Beyoncé. Erika has a big day ahead of her. She’s meeting with what I’m guessing is a blind stylist so she can try out her new compression catsuit and I think it’s sweet that Erika and I have so much in common because I too am wearing my very own compression catsuit right now! Erika wiggles her way into maybe the most bizarre garment I’ve ever seen (and I’m including that episode of Project Runway when Austin made a dress entirely out of cornhusks), takes down her hair, and immediately morphs into Erika Jayne like she’s Superman exiting a phone booth. Then she gazes at her image in the mirror and poetically murmurs, “Eat a d*ck,” because see, she’s Erika Jayne now and d*cks are her business. I’d also like to congratulate Erika. It is only her second episode and I’ve already seen her nipples, so nicely done. And I might also agree with her insightful statement about how every woman has some Erika Jayne inside of her that she’s dying to get out. Personally, I just thought that burning was a UTI I was struggling with, but now I’m wondering if it was my very own inner Erika Jayne who likes to come out when I pee.
Over at a restaurant across town, Eileen meets up with her husband Vince. The two don’t have the kind of marriage where they see one another every day, Eileen explains, so she looks genuinely thrilled to be across a table from him. As for Vince, he just returned from going to the racetrack, which was one of his father’s favorite places. Since his father passed away, it’s been hard for him to go there, but he said he had a great time and he bet on a few races (small bets, he added) and he walked away with $600. I very well might be cynical, but to me there was something weird about this conversation. The gambling was mentioned almost too casually and I’m just gonna throw in that I really hope it does not turn into a plot point this season. On the other hand, I can’t remember the last time there was a gambling issue involving a Housewife, so it might be nice to see an original problem for a change. I mean, I’m already tired of the fake illness storyline that nobody will commit to this season. Eileen and Vince order some food and she apologizes to him for being bitchy to him on the phone that morning. She then proceeds to explain in minute detail exactly why she was bitchy and, though she seemed to just want to be heard, all her husband listened to was her cataloging all of the things he did wrong. I’m starting to think that we as human beings might be better off if we just communicated with one another through Pictionary because words tend to get a lot of us in some deep sh*t. But no need to buy the giant pad and the markers just yet! Vince has a solution! He and Eileen should not talk about anything that’s real until 9:00 PM and I’m officially starting to worry a little bit about this marriage. You know how people talk all the time about which Housewife is getting “the bitch edit” each season? I’m pretty sure this is our first full indication that Vince is getting the douchebag edit this time around.