Back at QVC, Lisa Rinna is ready to get this sh*t going because she can make more in one hour on QVC than she did in an entire year back when she owned her store. Before she can wander on air and commandeer the hearts and wallets of her loyal viewers, she meets up with a designer. The guy immediately busts out the top secret intel that he designed all the bridesmaid dresses for Nicky Hilton’s wedding and suddenly I feel like only twenty minutes or so have gone by and I have been made to think about far too many members of the Hilton/Richards family for f*cking comfort. “Kensington Palace, okay?” asks the designer. “I mean, can you get any better?” Listen, I have no idea who this guy is and he seems like a nice person, but all I can really concentrate on is how much I am loving the words “Paris’ dress” and “QVC” being spoken in the same paragraph. After he leaves to make an appointment with his lawyer to fight the upcoming slander suit the Hiltons will shortly be lodging against him, Isaac Mizrahi wanders in. Everybody’s at QVC today! Lisa tells him that she’s selling some cute jackets and they wish each other well. (By the way, Lisa Rinna’s imaginary friend is named Shirley. Random fun fact.) Once she’s standing on the set, Lisa reveals that what she really wants to do is to empower women and she believes the very first step in toppling the crippling patriarchy is for ladies out there to buy her faux-shearling jacket with the princess seaming. Her stuff is selling, though – and she will keep hocking her goods until her hustle runs out somewhere around the time she turns one hundred and three years old.
We’re finally in New York! Lisa, Ken, and Giggy arrive and hop in a helicopter that will whisk them off to the White Party. Lisa feels really flattered that she’s getting this treatment; she’s even booked rooms for her friends in the same hotel where the magazine arranged for her to stay. Sadly, no slumber parties will be taking place because the hotel in question is way too loud and Kyle and Eileen have already decided to get the hell out of there. Mauricio rushes to the rescue from clear across the country by snagging his wife a huge house for them to stay in and while Kyle knows Lisa might not be thrilled that they left, sleep is paramount so she has decided to not really care about the reaction.
Over in Ohio, Yolanda’s surgery has ended and the doctor goes to speak to David. She tells him that there was silicone wedged all the way up to Yolanda’s clavicle and she believes she got it all removed. When David goes in to see her, Yolanda is lying in recovery where she is crying and looking like she’s in a tremendous amount of pain. Listen: I really don’t know what is the ultimate cause of all of the ailments Yolanda claims to have, but I hope for all of our sakes that these surgeries stop occurring.
In a sunnier land, Lisa checks into the Southampton hotel and Giggy, walking three steps on his own for the very first time in his entire life, goes skidding across the floor. He’s just not used to not being carried. Meanwhile, Lisa gets a note that tells her that Kyle and Eileen have gone fleeing from the noise to a nearby mansion instead of staying at a hotel where there’s a constant party by the pool and zero room service. I mean, what are they? Animals? How can they possibly survive without room service? Lisa’s annoyed. She can’t bail on the hotel because the magazine arranged the accommodations and she’s shocked by how high-maintenance her friends are acting. After all, when she stayed with Kyle in Italy, she had to rough it by being in a room that’s only half the size of her bathroom! Why couldn’t Kyle just deal with some enforced insomnia? Now look: I love Lisa Vanderpump. I love her cheekiness and I love her boldness. I love that she’s usually rational. I love that she never liked Kim Richards and she never even attempted to hide it. But I think Lisa is being pretty ridiculous here. Her friends weren’t comfortable so they made themselves comfortable and invited her to join them as well and were understanding when she explained why she couldn’t. Get over it, Lisa. This kind of silly behavior is beneath you.
Knowing that they might be in trouble for doing absolutely nothing wrong, Lisa Rinna, Eileen, and Kyle pile into the limo and head over to the party being thrown for Lisa Vanderpump. Right away, Lisa Vanderpump announces to the group that she hates them for moving out of the hotel and Lisa Rinna looks at her blankly before telling us that Lisa Vanderpump should just be thanking them for flying three thousand miles to come support her. This calm and blunt manner is something I’m starting to really appreciate and I only pray that Lisa Rinna stays this way because I sort of remember saying something similar about Brandi Glanville back in the day. (I was naive and foolish! Forgive me so I can then begin to forgive myself!) Anyway, once the fight about nothing settles down, the women start to ask Kyle about Kim and Kyle answers their questions petulantly. No, she has not spoken to her sister. Yes, she knows where Kim is and obviously she is doing what she can to help her. And sure, she admits that her sister was not of sound mind when she stole the Play-Doh barber set and the Fisher Price farm with the doors that make a “moo” sound when you close them, but she really doesn’t want to talk about any of it right now and she really doesn’t understand why her fellow castmates on the reality show they’re all on – the same reality show her sister appeared on for years – won’t stop asking her about Kim. Dear Lord, is nothing sacred?
And then Kyle flashes a little bit of the Kim that’s inside of her – and it is f*cking terrifying. We watch it happen. We see her all but turn into a mutating creature that was accidentally generated in a laboratory by a scientist with schizophrenia and that creature needs to be destroyed before it destroys all of us. Yes, Kyle practices out her very own remix of Kim’s infamous, “Want me to tell?” that she chided Lisa Rinna with last season while actually having nothing on the woman. Kyle puts her own spin on things. Annoyed with the incessant badgering by her friends, she wonders, “Do you want me to talk about your stuff that you don’t want to talk about? Because I can if you want me to go there.” And she says every single word of it with a look of wide-eyed amazement that her privacy would end up being so invaded just because she signed a contract to have her life filmed.
Next week, Bethenny finally shows up and immediately begins to fight with Erika for reasons I still don’t fully understand. I think it has something to do with Bethenny calling Erika “a Bambi” when Erika clearly wants to be the hunter, but really, who knows? I’m guessing that the larger reason for the confrontation between these two women is that Bethenny doesn’t know how to have a normal conversation with a stranger because she’s all aggression and teeth. Also, Erika finally meets Lisa Rinna, the women finally meet Erika Jayne and her bedazzled catsuit, and Lisa Vanderpump grills Eileen about the affair that began her marriage to Vince, leaving Eileen to feel uncomfortable. I can already tell there will be at least an entire segment at the nine-part reunion dedicated to this issue because really, still nothing else has happened yet this season and the only really juicy story is the one that Kyle doesn’t want to tell.
Maybe Erika’s philosophy-possessed house will get her to talk.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.