I have a confession to make: the image of Yolanda’s bloody implant is slowly destroying me from the inside out. I’ve had dreams about that thing. The very worst one involved placing my head dreamily upon a pillow I thought was made out of baby pink cotton candy only to find that the sugary fluff had disappeared and what enveloped me instead was a gelatinous mess of silicone and guts. Really though, that gooey implant terrified me as much as catching a glimpse of a Pegasus in a movie usually does and a big part of me believes that the implant did not actually come from deep inside Yolanda’s chest cavity as the world-renowned surgeon wearing the colorful baker’s hat would have us believe. I think there’s a good chance the implant really originates from the dankest and darkest depths of the bottom of the ocean where its kin continues to frolic with mythical beasts that are made entirely of gills and whatever it is that first birthed Faye Resnick.
I’m hoping (and praying…and chanting…and lighting candles) that now that Yolanda’s implants are out of her body for good, the nightmares will finally cease. I realize, of course, that the visual revelation of Erika Jayne that has been promised to us tonight could cause a new phobia to burst forth, but I made sure to exercise for an extra hour earlier today so chronic exhaustion would crush fear. Besides, there’s probably not all that much to be nervous about. It’s not like I haven’t seen porn before.
We last left the Housewives in the Hamptons – and they’re still there because this show now moves at the sluggish pace of a snail that has been crippled by malaria and whatever eventually gives Lisa Rinna food poisoning. But I have high hopes for tonight! Bethenny is coming and she and her mouth are usually reliable for bringing about a few snide comments and really? As long as this episode does not involve a swan suffering from explosive diarrhea, I’ll consider it a triumph of entertainment. Besides, there’s always the possibility that Kyle will let a little bit more of the Kim that’s clearly stuffed deep inside of her to dribble out when nobody besides a cameraman is looking and at least I’ll have another reason to dislike the woman besides the fact that she’s vapid and superficial and absolutely transfixed by any proximity to fame.
Tonight we begin with the Housewives having some dinner at the white party (the smart ones are drinking Chardonnay so as not to soil their duds) and they immediately launch into a discussion about how hard it is when a couple you know gets divorced and hatred springs up between them where once only love had lived. Eileen, the apparent optimist in the group, doesn’t know how you can hate someone after having slept with the person and it’s probably a very bad sign that I burst into spontaneous and unceasing laughter at her naiveté for about five minutes straight. But then Lisa asks Eileen about her marriages and it turns out that Eileen has been married three times. The news surprises Ms. Vanderpump and she asks some questions then about Vince. Turns out that he and Eileen met on a soap opera and their characters had to do some smooching and they felt a chemistry almost immediately despite the fact that each was married to another person. “So how did the affair start?” asks Lisa – and the reaction to her question is a beat of stunned silence from Eileen and a shake of the feathered head from Lisa Rinna. Listen, I get that maybe Eileen feels a little bit of shame about how her marriage began, but here again I find myself a wee bit confused. Why are so many people on this show so desperate to hide the details of their lives? I mean, I get why Kyle is on this show. Despite the fact that she alleges that she’d rather give up all her Chanel than discuss her damaged sister, I think we all know that Kyle might stop breathing if cameras weren’t pointed squarely in her direction at least four times a week. (Does anyone else think that she spends her hiatus practicing her laugh in the mirror so she can make sure she only has one chin?) But Eileen is an actual actress with a real career and if she doesn’t want to talk about things like her marriage, why is she on a show called The Real Housewives?
The next glorious morning, Kyle fixes her hair, Eileen does squats poolside in a one-piece, and Lisa Rinna is decked out all in white and again manages not to end up filthy like I would be in ten minutes flat. They’re planning to go first to a wine tasting and later they’ll head over to Bethenny’s house. “Are you good with Lisa Vanderpump?” Bethenny asks Kyle over the phone – which means some good sh*t-talking must have gone down between these two off-camera and I would so much rather watch unedited footage of that than the women traipsing through a vineyard. Also, Bethenny says she’s never heard of the magazine Lisa appeared on and I haven’t either, but there’s something coy and quietly vicious about every single question Bethenny throws Kyle’s way. I think this gathering is going to be her cardio. Meanwhile, over at the hotel the other ladies went bolting from, Lisa and Ken are getting ready for the day too. I’m mildly confused that everyone is dressed in white to go stomp around grapes, but then again, I’m kind of a klutz. More shocking than anything is that Giggy walks a whole bunch of steps without falling over into an fatigued fluffy heap and I was so exited for him that he was able to move on his own that I cheered.
Seems I’m feeling way more excited than Eileen. She’s still freaked out about the personal questions Lisa Vanderpump tossed her way the night before and now she doesn’t know how to deal with the woman. Having unresolved feelings make Eileen seriously uncomfortable – which means the soap star and I have exactly one thing in common – so I think we should all expect some words to spit forth from her mouth by the end of the weekend. And sure, we’ll get to the Lisa/Eileen thing eventually, but first we get to hear that Lisa Rinna – the only one of the Housewives who has yet to meet Erika – Googled her to find out who she is and stumbled across a little video of Erika Jayne in all of her slutty glory. Finally – finally! – we get to see the alter ego Erika talks about all the time and our first glance is a black and white video for Painkillr. First things first: I did not spell the title of the song incorrectly. Erika Jayne is so modern that she no longer requires the full use of vowels. But honestly, who the f*ck cares about proper language when we get to watch Erika Jayne writhe around on the floor and straddle a bed with iron posts while singing maybe the most generic pop song ever recorded? Lisa Rinna is amazed at how blatantly sexual Erika is and Lisa Vanderpump tells her to stop being so judgmental. I’m imagining that Lisa Vanderpump has rolled across plenty of iron beds in her day too and she had a f*cking great time doing it.
Lisa Rinna passes her phone around so the others can see Erika Jayne in action. Eileen likes it – a lot. Lisa Vanderpump wants to make her own video and quickly considers if she’ll be violating any laws of the Humane Society if she included Giggy and tied him to a bedpost. And Kyle goes fleeing from a bug that lands near her because her mother raised her to say that she was allergic to all things that fly (besides private jets owned by rich men) because running away from tables filled with people is a guaranteed way to get her some attention.
The vineyard excursion over, the women are all back at the house when Erika and her heels arrive in the Hamptons. Everyone greets her warmly and she’s wearing a necklace that’s the size of my couch and sunglasses that surely cost more than my car, but I can’t help but like this woman. She just seems like a good sport and a fun hang. Plus, just about every appearance she makes is accompanied by a splice of footage of her gyrating as Erika Jayne and it’s all so ridiculous that I kind of love it. Also, Erika is no dummy. She flat-out states that when she’s around a gaggle of Beverly Hills women, she needs to stay focused by watching and listening and I guess not engaging in anything that will leave potential enemies with fodder to use against her. Her theory is probably correct, but it’s also mildly comical considering that there’s apparently a treasure trove’s worth of sh*t online someone could use to try to humiliate her. Still, Erika seems hard to embarrass and harder still to bring down and her husband will sue the hell out of anyone who even tries so she just flings her platinum hair back until it glistens in the midday sun and wonders in which nearby potato field her private plane is parked.
Erika brings the women some swag from her show and tells them she is picking up Yolanda on her way back from the Hamptons. And then she says something that literally made what I think is my spleen clench in alarm: Yolanda cannot wait to show her what was removed from her body. So f*cking help me, if we are treated to another shot of that implant, I might need therapy and I might need it instantly and does anyone know if mental health professionals make house calls at 10:00 PM on a Tuesday and, if they do, do they take my insurance?