Anyway, we’ll get to the Housewives version of Sophie’s Choice later, but first we need to dive into this week’s episode where – again – not very much happens. We begin with Kyle trudging up the moat that leads to Lisa Vanderpump’s house. She’s there so the two of them can plan a party for both of their anniversaries. Sounds nice, right? Might you change your mind when you find out it’s a party with a f*cking theme and that theme is Moulin Rouge? Thought so. Anyhoo, it turns out that Kyle wants to make sure that Lisa knows that Faye will of course be on their guest list because, after all, Faye is like family since Kyle only has heathens dangling from the branches of her family tree. Upon hearing that this assh*le will be at her party, Lisa sighs and makes a few disparaging comments, all of which I agree with heartily. But Kyle will not stand for someone talking sh*t about her Faye! It’s time for Lisa to get over the hatred she has for a woman pretty much everyone with a pulse also hates! “I thought you don’t hold a grudge,” baits Kyle, and see, that’s not really the right argument to make here. First off, everyone holds grudges to some degree because it’s just prudent not to get screwed over by the same person twice. Second, isn’t Kyle’s refusal to let go of the fact that she believes Lisa holds grudges just an example of a grudge that Kyle continues to carry? Is this really just a question of semantics or is Kyle just that stupid? And can Lisa please call Faye “an orangutan” one more time and threaten to bring Carlton to the party where she will do a spell that will make all of Kyle’s hair fall out because, if that happens, I’ll toss on some fishnets and crash that joint party where I can only hope they will be serving joints.
Not needing cannabis to smile these days is Yolanda. After having her bloody and corroded implant yanked straight out of her chest cavity – and then photographing it far more times than was necessary – she is feeling healthy and happy. During a walk on the beach with Erika, she expresses just how grateful she is to feel better and then she asks about Kyle’s dinner party since she left after only having a glass of water and sucking on the lemon she likes to carry in her purse. Erika, who is full of the kind of optimism that only money or excellent drugs can buy, tells her that the Faye/Kathryn conflict has been resolved once and for all. I don’t really remember reconciliation being the outcome there, but maybe I missed something after I passed out from looking too long at Faye’s face. But the other thing Erika reveals is that the health of Yolanda’s children was brought up at the dinner and that it was Lisa Vanderpump who stated that Yolanda’s ex-husband claimed his children do not suffer from Lyme disease. Once again, perhaps my memory is faulty, but I do not recall Lisa Vanderpump bringing up the subject of Yolanda’s children. What she did was answer a direct question Kyle posed to her in front of a crowd and then shut that conversation down as quickly as possible, but Yolanda doesn’t care about the details. No, all she cares about are her fragile babies and their health and what the hell is wrong with everyone for questioning her when all she does is put out pictures of herself locked in a hyperbolic chamber for the world to consume? Doesn’t everyone visit a hyperbolic chamber every time they feel sick? Stop doubting Yolanda’s sanity, people, because she will just wonder aloud about your stupidity and shake her head in disgust that you do not believe every single thing that she says.
And speaking of someone Yolanda is disgusted with, Lisa Rinna has made a plan to come by in order to grovel at the blonde woman’s feet for having once voiced a question about the veracity of Yolanda’s illness. But before she heads into the real danger zone, Lisa first takes a swing by Erika’s kingdom. It only takes twenty minutes to get to Erika Land, and upon her arrival, Lisa gets the grand tour of a house so elaborate that she says it makes Lisa Vanderpump’s home look like a disco in comparison. After all, does Ms. Vanderpump have her very own chapel? Does God visit Villa Rosa on weekends? Of course not. Only old money buys you a house call from a deity. But Lisa is not at Erika’s house so she can gape over square footage and miles of marble. Instead, she wants to get some advice from Erika on the very best way to beg Yolanda for forgiveness. As Lisa explains it, Yolanda has put her illness out there in an extremely public way and the result of that is the public will react to what it is they are seeing. She’s absolutely right. There are no long explanations that come with Instagram shots of Yolanda holding her kid’s hand while an IV drips slowly into her teenager’s arm. There is maybe a caption and this sh*t is posted around the f*cking clock and it is possible that some people will therefore have some questions. This guilt tour that Lisa has packed a suitcase for is really irritating me. It just seems way too severe to plead for forgiveness to another participant of a reality show, one who knows full well that her life is fodder and contributes to making her private life as public as possible. Still, Lisa is intent on apologizing and I really believe she was so scarred from the reunion last year when she had to defend sending nasty (and completely warranted) text messages to Kim Richards and I think her therapist recommended never again returning to that mental state ever again so she wants to nip things in the bud now so that her reunion experience will only involve discussions about the length of the hair on her vagina.
And now it’s time to visit with our newest Housewife! Kathryn is making breakfast for her husband because the two of them need their strength so they can work out and Kathryn can continue to prove that she’s worthy of having married a guy who is almost a decade younger than she is, a piece of trivia she brings up constantly. As they exercise, Kathryn tells Donnie that Faye will also be at the Moulin Rouge party and that knowledge is not exciting Kathryn a whole lot. Since Kathryn might be sort of normal and therefore capable of having emotions that don’t dissolve just because Kyle told her they should, she’s still hoping beyond hope that Faye regrets her past actions. That’s a lovely thought. I’m still hoping Willy Wonks really exists and that one day I’ll have an Oompa Loompa to call my very own.
Back at Erika’s estate, she’s doing vocal scales with a guy on a piano and I’m pleased to say that my puppy now believes that she has found someone to communicate with in a brand new language. Erika is an artiste, people – and her catsuits are the visual representation of merit. Meanwhile, Eileen is back from her very poignant trip to Italy where she scattered her sister’s ashes and she’s still emotionally bruised and battered. “Thank goodness I have Vince during these trying times,” she says, and I really kind of hate that I feel the terrible thump of foreshadowing each and every time this guy appears onscreen because I just have an impending sense of doom about this couple and I hope that I’m wrong because 1) I’m a relatively nice person and I don’t want to know someone else is in pain and 2) I’m not even sure that Eileen’s divorce would be all that interesting.
I guess what’s supposed to be interesting is Lisa Rinna apologizing to Yolanda. She shows up at the sick woman’s house and launches immediately into explaining herself and then begs to be pardoned for the greatest sin she has ever committed. I almost expected Lisa to bust out a choreographed dance routine that would end with a shimmy and lights that spell out “Forgive me for using the word ‘Munchausen,’” but I think maybe she wasn’t able to secure a permit for all that wattage for a condo. Still, I can’t be the only one who wished for an instant blackout at the exact moment when Yolanda turned the tables on Lisa and asked her why she thinks she Instagrams pictures of herself with syringes shoved into her arm all day long. “For awareness,” Lisa replies instantly – solemnly – and she looks absolutely terrified the entire time. Yes, Yolanda nods sagely. After all, she is the self-appointed spokeswoman for everyone who has ever suffered from Lyme disease in the whole entire world and thank goodness she exists so she can foster universal awareness of the terrible journey she and most of her family have been plagued with having to take and that’s why she posts all of those pictures. It’s not at all that she craves attention! Continuing to foolishly trudge down Apology Lane, Lisa then brings up that she is carrying some real guilt for having once said the word “Munchausen” and relating it to Yolanda. Yolanda has never even heard that word before, which I guess means that Yolanda doesn’t visit Housewives message boards. She refuses to come right out and absolve Lisa of her guilt; instead, she allows her to simmer in it while gazing at her with eyes that are free from any and all makeup because she is sick, dammit, and Lisa leaves Yolanda’s home feeling like the dogsh*t that exploded from a schnauzer who’s got himself a bad stomach virus.
As unpleasant as it all seems, I think I’d rather stay in Yolanda’s kitchen and watch her gaze coldly at those who arrive to make penance for questioning her sickness than go to Kyle’s house and watch her show off her bright red Moulin Rouge outfit to her husband. Sure – it’s a great thing that Kyle and Mauricio have been married for twenty years, but I can just send them a gravy boat instead of hearing her wonder if she should wear fishnets? As for Lisa Vanderpump, her outfit is pink and it’s just as ridiculous as Kyle’s outfit and I guess it’s sweet that anniversaries in Beverly Hills apparently mean that it’s time to dress like a hooker. Erika is enjoying herself, though. It gives her a chance to break out her whip on a random weekday! She and Kathryn travel to the party together and Erika enlightens Kathryn about what a Sickness Doubter Lisa Rinna is and now Kathryn knows she that she should keep Lisa at a distance and I guess that means that Kathryn’s house will be the next stop on Lisa’s Apology Tour.
At the party, Lisa Vanderpump is bowled over by the dreaminess of Kathryn’s husband and Erika says the word “c*nt” and it causes Kathryn’s head to borderline explode because, according to Kathryn, the only word more disgusting than “c*nt” is “Munchausen.” I don’t think that Kathryn and I would be very good friends. What I do think is that I’ve already made peace with such a thing.
Faye Resnick shows up next and she’s dressed all in black and white – which is probably not a metaphor because Faye is not nearly all that complicated. She’s greeted cheekily by Lisa Vanderpump before announcing that she must immediately go find her fiancé and I’m not going to feel badly for even a millisecond that the Seinfeld line came into my head just then and I kind of hoped that maybe the dingo ate her fiancé. (Seriously: someone chose to marry Faye Resnick.) Pretending that she’s trying to brush any and all conflicts under the rug, Kyle takes her dear friend aside to let her know that she made Lisa Vanderpump pinky swear that she wouldn’t call Faye a piece of sh*t or a horrible excuse for a human being or even the barnacle that once fell out of Satan’s snout. Faye has nothing to worry about, Kyle tells her – but since Kyle saw them talking, she wants to know what Lisa said. Upon finding out that Lisa only greeted Faye and refrained from tearing her a third assh*le, Kyle’s shoulders sag in disappointment. See, Kyle can pretend that all she wants is harmony, but it’s pretty obvious that what she really prays for nightly is for conflict to play out in front of her like a f*cking string quartet.
The party continues and it looks kind of tragically boring and then Kyle does a split and I vomited just a little bit but not too much because I didn’t want to ruin my own corset and fishnets that I threw on to be festive. Then, right in front of Kathryn, Kyle asks Lisa Vanderpump if she was nice to Faye even though Faye already told her that they played nice. Upon hearing Faye’s name, Kathryn grimaces involuntarily like she just ate a piece of chicken riddled with salmonella. Kyle – who never wants to miss a single opportunity to throw herself hair-first into drama – decides to enlighten Kathryn by telling her about Faye, “She’s a good girl.” Okay. So Kyle just told a woman against whom Faye might have committed libel that she’s a good girl. Realizing that Kyle sucks, Kathryn would then like some confirmation about just how much she sucks so she asks Kyle the year she and Faye first met and became friends. Kyle explains that she’s known Saint Faye since 1994, which was right around the time when Faye was a raging drug addict and beginning to capitalize off her friend’s murder. Knowing such a thing now makes Kathryn question Kyle’s integrity and it’s possible that I could maybe like Kathryn more than I expected I would.
But you know who doesn’t like Kathryn? Kyle! She can’t believe that Kathryn looked her directly in the eyes and didn’t even tell her that her split was awesome! “How does Kathryn have the balls to be speaking about MY friend at the party I invited her to?” bleats Kyle. “Shut the f*ck up,” she finishes with that closed-mouth smile and the pop of her eyes that makes me wish that the punching of adults was more condoned by society at large. But since she brought it up, let’s explore Kyle’s question. Why does Kathryn have the right to bring up Faye? Maybe it’s because Kyle invited her to a dinner and stuck her across a table from the woman while knowing full well that Kathryn thinks Faye is a c*nt – even though Kathryn would never use that word. Maybe it’s because Kyle just brought up Faye right in front of her again. Maybe it’s because these people are essentially strangers who now work together on a show called The Real Housewives, a series that’s never really been known for employing women who enjoy holding their tongues. Maybe it’s because Kathryn is human and Kyle is a fire-spewing monster who should be tossed in that vault the woman at the hotel promised existed on the premises.
Since she sadly hasn’t been shoved into a dungeon just yet, Kyle still has time to complain to Lisa Vanderpump and Taylor’s lips about how messed up it is that Kathryn just spoke poorly about Faye, a woman that nobody who has any taste or substance seems to like. “You sort it out yourself,” Lisa tells Kyle who is stunned – stunned! – that it’s THEIR party and this new interloper (who is lucky to even be on this show) had the nerve to criticize someone who is rather universally despised. Will this disagreement bring about the end of Kyle and Lisa’s friendship? Well, I really don’t f*cking care in the slightest. I never got on board with the Lisa/Kyle friendship. I didn’t care about it when it was strong and I certainly didn’t weep for it when it died like roadkill and I won’t mind at all if this go-around it’s shot like a rabid dog.
Next time, the women get to meet Erika Jayne’s ass and Lisa Vanderpump will be taken to task for answering someone’s direct question about Yolanda’s kids and the Lyme disease that they do or do not suffer from. Now, who brought up Yolanda’s kids in the first place? It was Kyle? Perhaps nothing has ever surprised me less.
But before we get to next week, my big question is this: should Faye Resnick become a permanent fixture on this show? On the one hand, her presence perfectly captures our current zeitgeist in that we seem intent as a society on continuing to celebrate assh*les. Plus, all that was old is apparently new again, as we can all see by the tidal wave of O.J. Simpson content presently flooding our airwaves. On the other hand, looking at Faye Resnick tests the limits of both my heart rate and my corneas. The woman has shown herself to be nothing but a disgrace and I suppose that leads to this question: As Housewives viewers, do we want bland but affable people like Eileen who we get to watch go to work and pack and bicker with her husband? Or do we want to watch a woman who claims to be a homosapien even as she behaves like a demon who oozes her way around parties where only Kyle has requested her presence? As a recapper who needs something to write about, I’m going to go ahead and vote for Faye. Then I’ll lock myself in that vault because I totally deserve to be punished.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.