Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/1/16

March 2nd, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Oh, Kim Richards. She’s kind of a living and breathing version of that creaky wooden rocking chair that sits on the porch of that nice madwoman who lives down the street, the one who maybe keeps a family of four chained in her basement. Like that chair, Kim’s sort of falling apart. Someone once tried to mend her with a little bit of spit and some scotch tape, but she will undoubtedly cause pain to whomever foolishly chooses to straddle her. Still–splinters aside–I’d rather spend f*cking eternity sprawled across that chair than ever be stuck in the same time zone as one of the vilest Housewives of them all.

Now sure, I understand that Kim Richards is an addict. I also understand that the only reason she appears on this show at all anymore is for a paycheck. I suppose I used to feel kind of badly for her that her options were so limited that she was forced to pimp out her own questionable sobriety for profit, but the reality is that she’s such a lying and deflecting assh*le that I have lost any and all empathy I ever pretended to have. I officially can no longer stand the sight of the woman. I hate her oddly shaped eyes and how they squint and glare wildly at anyone who has figured out her very obvious truths. I hate her bony fingers, the ones she likes to point in the faces of women who have decided not to believe a single thing this shell of a former human being says anymore. I hate the rickety voice she uses to spew out lies before begging for mercy from people who had no idea what they were getting into when they casually agreed to climb into the back of a limo with her. I hate that she still has the audacity to pretend that she and her family have been terribly wounded by people saying aloud that she started drinking again and that she never even considers blaming herself for all of it since – obviously – her actions spurred the stories and the pain. But most of all, I hate that the appearance of Kim Richards means that she was never really just a terrible figment of my imagination like I’d convinced myself she was and I really hate how her presence makes me feel something that resembles sympathy for her long-suffering sister, Kyle, a preening specimen constructed primarily out of hair and ego.
Like the irritation caused by most fungi, Kim does not appear immediately to the naked eye. First we have to slog through the aftereffects of all the sh*t that’s already happened. Let’s see – will it be Eileen deciding Lisa Vanderpump is evil to her very core for that time she used the word “affair” to describe something that actually was once an affair or might our journey begin tonight with Erika discovering that her newly self-appointed friend Kathryn announced to the group at large that Erika also thinks Lisa Vanderpump is evil? It’s come to this: the best case scenario for any of us is that the show will begin with Yolanda wandering out of a cryogenic chamber before sucking on a lemon for strength.

Alas, we kick off the evening in Lisa Rinna’s home where she’s worrying about her kid’s upcoming tonsil surgery. I’m always slightly uncomfortable when anyone takes a call from a doctor on speakerphone, but I guess Amelia’s surgery is no big deal. More curious perhaps is that Lisa would like to know exactly how the tonsils will be sliced from her child’s body and she seems mildly disappointed when the explanation doesn’t include the word “hacksaw.”

Over at Yolanda’s, her still-husband is sitting at his piano tinkling the ivories and wondering when he can flee from this craziness and go on tour so he can get away from the disapproving glances Daisy, The Health Advocate, tosses his way. He’s very busy today writing a song for one of the planet’s leading musical geniuses to perform at a party Yolanda is throwing for people who believe she has Munchausen Syndrome, but the hostess is cleverly shrouding the genius’ identity. She won’t give up the guy’s name! Being that he’s coming to chill with David Foster, I’m going to guess it’ll be Michael Bolton or some tenor I’ve never heard of, but I’m sort of curious now. Bring on the star! This is the first party Yolanda has thrown in two years and something tells me it will not go well. (By the by, that “something” is common f*cking sense and some knowledge concerning Housewives precedent. In this franchise, “dinner party” is the vernacular used to describe tables being flipped and glasses being flung while a bonkers psychic takes yet another drag off an electric cigarette.)

Now sure, Yolanda has a lot on her plate, but Lisa Vanderpump also has some difficult matters to contend with these days. Her ponies keep marching up to the veranda! Plus, she has to make an appearance at a dinner party being thrown by a woman who is making it pretty clear that she hates her. Kyle’s nervous, too. Yolanda sent everyone that scathing email and the two haven’t spoken since and now they have to all sit together at a table where there are knives. Listen, technically Lisa and Kyle doing the “right” thing by going, but I’m also quite sure that they’re going to regret being there. God, I hope Lisa parks one of those ponies outside the restaurant so she can hop on and gallop to a quick getaway. In my fantasy, Kyle will run alongside her.

Kathryn and Donnie show up first to the event and Erika, who doesn’t yet know that Kathryn gave up her secrets without even the threat of being waterboarded, soon joins them. Erika’s coming off a show high. She’s in a lovely headspace that will soon be demolished completely. Meanwhile, Lisa and Kyle ride over together and Lisa tells Kyle that she texted Kim to wish her a happy birthday. “She’s in a good place,” Kyle responds, which I’m taking to mean that she’s nowhere near a Van Nuys Target. The truth seems to be that the sisters are starting to reconnect again and it’s all thanks to emojis! Maybe the smiley face with the puckered lips should be brought into all future global peace agreements! Does Bashar al-Assad use an iPhone? Anyway, according to Kyle, she and Kim “are inching” their way towards a shaky reconciliation that could very possibly be as fraught with tension as was their estrangement. Should they maybe keep all of their interactions off-camera or is that just far too normal a thought to toss out here?

Back at the restaurant, Kathryn brings up Yolanda’s email to Erika. Now look: Yolanda f*cking cc’d all of them on the novella she sent Kyle’s way so Kathryn has every right to comment. What this woman does not have a right to do in a world where I’ve made Lisa Vanderpump my Queen is to disparage the Royal Mother for doing nothing at all while using a sh*tty English accent to try to make the moment pop. Mrs. Donnie, you are dangerously close to me not liking you at all and while I agree that you should not care a tiny bit what I think, you might want to consider that I do know a lot of synonyms for “ginormous assh*le.”

Into this counter-intelligence form of sabotage saunter Lisa and Kyle. I expect that Lisa believes she might be able to trust Kathryn at this point since she was the one who informed her about Erika’s treachery, but Lisa would be incorrect. Upon seeing the newest woman she’s talking sh*t about, Kathryn shuts her mouth mid-accent and greets the two disingenuously. It’s right about then when Yolanda and David come in causing Kyle to nervously smooth her hair while Lisa barely glances over her shoulder as she takes a calm sip of her wine like she’s Sharon f*cking Stone in Basic Instinct. Please – someone get this woman an ice pick STAT.

The second Yolanda wanders over for a double-cheeked kiss, Kyle lets her know that she’d love to chat with her about the email before the other guests arrive. (I suppose the Housewives had an earlier call time than the people Yolanda actually wanted at her special dinner party.) Yolanda nods disinterestedly. After all, she’s said what she has to say and, as far as she’s concerned, Kyle’s only been invited to fill some sort of brunette quota. As for Lisa, she tries to talk with Yolanda too, but she is also shut down. They can get coffee together one day, Yolanda offers. Maybe it can be tea. But it had better be anything besides having a confrontation at the party she’s throwing for no reason at all where Michael Jackson will be resurrected from the dead to perform for them all.

(Right? Michael Bolton doesn’t sound special enough for all the hype and, as the flashbacks proved, the tenor thing has been done. Bring on the dead man and his glove!)

Before she finally allows Yolanda to take her place-carded seat, Lisa murmurs to her softly that she wants to make it clear that she has never spoken ill about her children. Yolanda’s reaction is to say that she wants to believe Lisa, which is kind of a passive aggressive way to indicate that she doesn’t trust Lisa in the slightest. Then her eyes fill with tears but she finds it in herself to drum up enough steely fortitude not to cry in public and she tells Lisa that she’s fine and they’re all going to have a great time. Who’s convinced?

Eileen shows up next. She walks directly over to Lisa Vanderpump to kiss her hello perhaps in an effort to let her know that she considers their last conflict a thing of the past. Then Harry Hamlin comes in and Erika remembers him from an ABC After School Special so she gets all quivery inside while, at the bar, Kathryn is explaining to Yolanda that she only likes tough women. Guess the ability to keep a secret is her second requirement in a friend. Unfortunately for Kathryn, a woman who has apparently never seen this show before and therefore didn’t realize she’d be held accountable for being a sh*t-stirrer, Lisa Rinna is dying to know what Erika said about Lisa Vanderpump. She, Eileen, and conflict-hating Kyle beckon her over so she can spill the dirt about a person she talked into trusting her. She’s got herself an audience now so she transcribes Erika’s hesitations about Lisa Vanderpump but Lisa Rinna reacts to it all with a dismissive wave of her hand. She thought she was getting some good gossip! Quick! Someone bring up the rumors about Mauricio having an affair!

Here’s something I’ve just noticed: when Erika is put on the spot, she doesn’t get nervous. She gets annoyed. She rolls her eyes like a tween who has just broken her best friend’s heart by giving that other One Direction ticket to the new guy on their Math class who both girls think is dreamy and now she has to listen to her friend cry about it. Erika’s response to Lisa Vanderpump wanting some answers about first being equated to an alligator and then to a spider web is to all but yawn. Can’t Lisa figure out these metaphors herself? And where is Kathryn so Erika can shove one of Erika Jayne’s diamond encrusted heels up her ass for being such a snitch?

What is really at the root of this conflict between two smart women? Well, it turns out to be a conspiracy theory! Erika tells Lisa that she thinks it’s downright bizarre that Lisa asked how long Erika has known Yolanda. In fact, in perhaps the worst conspiracy theory of our time (and I watched an entire documentary centered around what “The Shining” is really about), Erika has figured out that Lisa must have instructed Kathryn to ask her that very same intrusive question. Wait: English is Erika’s first language, yes?

Continuing with the startlingly odd thesis behind her conspiracy theory, Erika explains that Lisa desperately wants to undermine her friendship with Yolanda for reasons she personally has yet to figure out. Wow – all that cynicism garnered from a mere, “How long have you known one another?” question. It might be impressive if not so f*cking weird.

(By the way, if anyone’s keeping score, Erika now officially hates Kathryn and Lisa Vanderpump. Kyle is up to bat next and I fully expect Erika to pitch inside and hit Kyle in the face at full force.)

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