Lisa Vanderpump shows up next with Ken and she immediately formulates an exit strategy so she can get herself the hell out of there. She has a charity event to attend at nine. Bravo, Lisa! Nobody can argue with you once you say you have to bail on account of a charity! And just when I thought that maybe this dinner might go smoothly after all, Kathryn makes the mistake of joking that Lisa Rinna doesn’t eat and the svelte lippy one does not appreciate the comment and she shuts Kathryn the f*ck down. It’s right about then when Tom and his odd toothy grin wander into the room and I too am impressed that it’s been two entire minutes and he hasn’t yet told his wife to shut the f*ck up. Cut him some slack, though. He’s too busy telling Lisa Vanderpump that she’s the only worthy opponent he’s ever known, a comment that has to be killing Erika just a little bit. As for Kathryn, she announces to the rest of them that she would have made as great a lawyer as Tom and the biggest reason for that is because she’s a liar who enjoys twisting peoples’ words for sport. Back off, ladies! I want Kathryn to be my best friend!
Dinner is going swimmingly (as long as the swimming is taking place in a murky lake where toddlers pee and some fanged creature glides along the surface) and that’s when Lisa Vanderpump tells Erika that she’d love to know more about her. Erika explains that she reveals herself over time, but see, Kathryn doesn’t have any time. She wants to be best f*cking friends with Erika right now, an odd hope after betraying the woman just last week. I’m rather certain that Kathryn is drunk off her ass at the moment and maybe that’s why she’s being so confrontational, but I’m also semi-certain that Tom will murder her by the end of the meal for interrupting him and also for badgering his wife to reveal her secrets. And what exactly is Kathryn dying to know? She will not be able to sleep if she doesn’t find out how Erika applies her false lashes. Kathryn cares about the important things in life, people.
As for our illustrious hostess, Erika cannot believe that her guests are putting her on the spot at her own dinner party by asking her about her past and her secrets and her lashes. Has she never seen this show before? Did she really not understand that she’d be forced to interact with adult women who say things like, “I’ve been told I’m loud and assertive my whole life,” without ever following that statement up with a musing such as, “I wonder why if that’s why everybody hates me…”? Watching the bickering that’s transpiring in his holy presence, Tom is stunned. “Do you guys do this all the time?” he asks. Meanwhile, Ken sits just quietly and counts backwards from one hundred in his head and tells himself that soon he will be home safe and Giggy can once again be in his arms.
The crux of the argument seems to be about how Kathryn betrayed Erika, and when Erika explains that Kathryn’s gossiping not only hurt Lisa’s feelings but also possibly forever derailed the potential for the two of them to ever be friends, Kathryn’s genius response is, “No, it did not!” Ladies and gentlemen, meet the newest crazy person who now calls Bravo home!
For the record, Tom has already told Lisa Vanderpump, Erika, and Kathryn to stop interrupting him before the coffee is even served and the dinner eventually ends unceremoniously and miserably with Tom coming off as a complete d*ck, Kathryn coming off as out-of-her-gourd crazy, and Erika being grounded by her husband which sucks because she really wanted to go away for prom weekend.
The next day, Kyle meets up with Erika so they can pretend to be sporty and discuss how they’re going to build homes for Habitat for Humanity. Not only that! Kyle by Alene Two might be opening a store in Dubai! Caftans for everyone! You know it’s bad when I’d rather allow my mind to wander the perimeter of Kyle’s terrible store than listen to what comes next. Oh, friends: it’s a doozy. Erika lets Kyle know that her husband is seriously pissed at her today because she behaved in a manner last night that he doesn’t allow. Should someone maybe call a shelter? It’s a creepy thing Erika’s expressing here. Not only is she indicating that she must always answer to her husband and not only do we already know from watching with our own damn eyes that she is not always permitted to speak, but we now also know with certainty that she must constantly modify her behavior around the man lest she get in trouble. Look, I feel badly for her that she’s married to a prick, but I also simply cannot believe that she didn’t realize what she was getting into by signing on for this show and I really don’t believe for even a second that the world’s foremost legal genius did not check out the series before “permitting” his wife to sign a contract.
On another note, here’s observation #3: I hate how Kathryn calls Lisa “Vanderpump.” I also hate Kathryn.
And now it’s time for Lisa Rinna to meet up with Eileen on the beach. There’s been something on Eileen’s mind recently and by now it’s pretty clear that the woman is physically incapable of keeping a thought inside of her own head. No, she must confront any uncomfortable feeling swirling through her brain immediately and she would like to revisit why Lisa Rinna defended Lisa Vanderpump when she knows full well that the woman is more than capable of being a manipulative jerk. Lisa Rinna apologizes immediately because she cannot stand to have anyone mad at her ever. Then, like she’s a witness in a House on Un-American Activitees Committee hearing, she realizes that she’d better name names so Eileen buys her devotion – and she’d better do it fast. She spits out that both Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle have been swapping stories for some time about Yolanda and her mystery illness and Eileen almost gets up and twirls happily across the shoreline now that there’s more proof that Lisa Vanderpump is an awful human being who uses words like “affair” to describe something that was once an affair. But that’s not all! Lisa Rinna also reveals that it was Lisa Vanderpump who encouraged Lisa Rinna to say the word “Munchausen” in the first place! I suppose it’s far too silly of me to ask why Lisa Rinna followed that order, right?
I’m concerned about a lot of things right now. I’m worried that, with all of these secrets coming out, Eileen will never again be able to finish a meal because she will be too concerned with clearing up everyone else’s conflicts. I’m also worried that Lisa Rinna seems to be turning on Lisa Vanderpump, a woman I have come to believe is the closest thing to royalty that might exist in this country. We can return to all of those concerns momentarily, but first let’s hear about another new conflict on the horizon from Lisa Rinna who has broken free from her chains and will be silenced no more. She’s been trolling Yolanda’s Instagram and she would like Eileen to know that on the same day Yolanda bailed on her dear friend’s dinner party, she had lunch with Brandi and Kim. That’s it – bring out the firing squad! As they load their guns, let’s also discuss the interesting comment Lisa makes about how Yolanda’s sickness has painted her into a corner and that she uses that sickness to her advantage. “She’s the only person I know who’s gone to bed for ten months,” snipes Lisa, and it takes everything Eileen has inside of her not to tackle Lisa to the ground and step on her face to stop her from making statements she’ll have to defend for the next decade.
Across town, Kathryn gets her hearing checked. Seems she’s completely deaf in one ear and there may be new medical advancements that can fix such a thing. I wish her well in this area so soon she can listen to everyone tell her what an assh*le she is.
Kyle stops by Yolanda’s house next and the two discuss how they’ll all soon be heading to New York to watch Yolanda receive an award for fighting Lyme disease. With the happy small talk out of the way, Kyle brings up the harsh email Yolanda sent her way – the one she also cc’d to the other Housewives – and Yolanda tells her that she just felt like Kyle was trying to instigate more problems. Kyle handles herself well here by choosing not to knock Yolanda’s teeth out.
Observation #4: I cannot believe I just complimented Kyle. It’s gotta be the bronchitis that has invaded my delicate system…
And finally it’s time for the Housewives to do some charity! Kathryn, Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Rinna, and Eileen join Kyle and Mauricio as they paint some houses for Habitat for Humanity. Lisa Rinna is a bit concerned. Will manual labor her strong suit? It probably will not be, but she’s still game to participate. Erika meets up with the rest of them at the location. Quick question: did she arrive at an impoverished area to build homes for the poor in a limo? Whatever the transportation, Lisa Vanderpump and Erika soon find themselves painting next to one another and they chat through clenched teeth because by now they hate each other so much. Just to annoy her, Lisa keeps making references to the spider webs she’s clearing out because Erika was the one who cautioned Kathryn about getting cause in the Queen’s web. Erika doesn’t find Lisa’s comments humorous in the least. Her blood is beginning to simmer to a slow boil before Lisa recognizes the sign of a woman who wants to kill her and she finally tells Kyle that they’d better stop making web jokes.
Once Erika stalks away, she finds herself beside Lisa Rinna and Eileen and she informs them that she doesn’t trust Kathryn in the least. That’s all Eileen needs to hear! A conflict is in her midst and she cannot possibly paint another shingle if the issue isn’t resolved immediately! Deciding she can fix everything, Eileen calls Kathryn over and Erika tells her that she is personally responsible for destroying any kind of friendship she and Lisa Vanderpump might have ever had. Kathryn disagrees and the two start yelling at one another while Eileen manages to appear flabbergasted that she’s watching yet another fight go down.
As for Kathryn, she maintains that she can totally be trusted and she apologizes to Erika. Then she wanders away to wonder why grown women are so overly sensitive. Now, I don’t like to talk ill about the stupid, but Kathryn might be the Housewife I’ve hated the most quickly – and that includes Carlton, the witchy faux-lesbian who enjoyed giving her mother-in-law lap dances in the Hustler store before going home to put a hex on anyone who dared make fun of the fact that she named her kids Destiny and Mysteri.
Next week, Camille is back and Yolanda talks about the real support Kim and Brandi have given to her before lovingly toasting the man who will soon become her ex-husband. The women also prepare to travel to New York and let’s face it: the hugest battles between these women get fought on foreign soil so I can only imagine what kind of bloodshed will be released when it comes out that Lisa Rinna thinks Yolanda is milking her illness for all its worth and that Lisa Vanderpump was the one who put the dastardly thoughts into her head in the first place.
Is this what the revolution looks like? In that case, long live the Queen.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
thank you for your complete, informative, and entertaining report. Although I find Kim difficult to actually watch because of her vile sniveling, I welcome her as a cast member because I enjoy ridiculous conflict. ..that includes the girardis whom I believe were asked by producers to host that dinner. Kathryn is just a black hole of open mouth with contaminated brain matter spewing out. Why everything with her…why is she on this show if she has so many lucrative investments? Her behavior at the Girardi’s was beyond obnoxious…I kept hoping Bravo would have inserted bugs bunny next to her, leaning in with a carrot and saying,”what a maroon”. They need a gif of that to insert in their housewife shows.
I would enjoy watching LVP properly read these women, but no doubt she will maintain her composure, maybe a little eye rolling and some frustrated looks toward the door like she’s hoping to see a team of men in white with straight jackets in hand for most of her cast mates…that would be rich.