And over on the other side of the party, Kim shares a stilted conversation about the latest place she’s moved to with Ken while Erika asks Yolanda if she actually believes anything Lisa Vanderpump told her. This is the worst party I have ever seen – and that includes the one I attended where we all were poisoned by some homemade wine some guy I knew made and my boyfriend ended the evening by puking on the welcome mat of my house.
Oh, but friends – it’s about to get even worse! Kim decides she should plop down beside Lisa Rinna to tell her that it just feels so awkward to avoid her so they might as well speak to one another. Kim! Is this an example of personal growth?! It is not. No, she would like to get to the scummy bottom of just why her lunch with Yolanda and Brandi created such a surge of rage inside of Lisa’s small intestine. Lisa shouldn’t care about that! But here’s what Lisa wonders, and she wonders it aloud to the jittery woman sitting before her: “What is it you need or want from me?” It’s a good question – it’s a fair question – and, of course, Kim doesn’t have a real answer other than to get offended when Lisa says Kim had some stuff going on last year that made things complicated between them. How dare Lisa state what’s on the public (and criminal) record? It’s like she’s needlessly throwing darts! Kim is fine! She has always been fine! Lord have f*cking mercy, but what must it be like to live inside of Kim Richards’ head? I pray to the God of Vanderpump that I shall never find out for sure.
All of this is Lisa Rinna’s fault and Kim knows that for sure! “She just can’t seem to stay in her own space,” sputters the woman who chose to walk directly over to Lisa, sit down beside her, and then declare out of nowhere that they should talk. For the love of all that is holy, has anyone yet invented a television screen I can lick so I can quickly get some of those onscreen margaritas into my system?
The party that I think was thrown to celebrate misery finally ends and it’s time to move on to the next issue: Yolanda and David’s divorce. Kathryn, Kyle, and Lisa Vanderpump gather together to discuss how upsetting it is that this marriage, once seemingly so strong, has ended. Divorce is always sad – and it’s made even more disturbing by the fact that Yolanda’s going through it all while sick. Lisa Vanderpump responds to the bad news by sending her some flowers, but Erika (a person Yolanda genuinely likes) shows up to hear the story of what went down in person.
Yolanda looks miserable and a little bit lost and she tells Erika that everyone has reached out via text, but she’s cautious about confiding in some of those women. “It’s nobody’s business,” she says – and she’s got a helluva point, but it’s also an odd f*cking point when you’re stating such a thing in front of a camera crew. In any case, Yolanda blames the complications of life for the destruction of her marriage and she keeps it all kind of vague while spouting words of positivity. Look, Yolanda might not be my favorite Housewife, but I hope she finds the happiness she’s looking for and I really hope I never have to see David Foster’s creepy face again. But since I’m kind of in a betting mode lately, anyone wanna place a wager on who the guy will marry next? Which aging models now live in Malibu?
Across town, Lisa Rinna and Eileen get together for a meal where neither eats a single thing. They’re there to discuss the breakdown of Yolanda’s marriage and how awful it is, but what Lisa finds very curious is how Yolanda spoke constantly about her poor health but she never once confided that her marriage was on the rocks. Isn’t that weird? Well, no, answers Eileen. If her marriage to The Gambler were in shambles, she wouldn’t tell Yolanda. It’s nice to see Eileen make sense again for a second – and I shall hold onto this moment so I can refrain from wanting to throttle her somewhere around hour seven of the reunion when she starts behaving like a lunatic.
“I’m a f*ck up!” Lisa Rinna exclaims at the end of this episode – and she’s right. And I hope she will scream those words again right after she triumphantly pulls out the telephone records she shoved into her purse and brought to the reunion, the ones that will end up proving absolutely nothing at all. Also, she has a new lip-gloss line coming out. I’ll buy some never.
Eileen ends the season still desperate to resolve every issue anyone has ever had. I look forward to her smirks at the reunion as everyone brawls, the ones that will smear across her face as she mistakenly thinks that what she’s seeing is some healthy human interaction taking place in her foggy presence.
Kyle ends the season by appearing calm and happy about the state of her relationship with Lisa Vanderpump. I don’t care for Kyle, but it’s nice to see her standing by her friend. That said, the only way I’ll watch her upcoming scripted series is if someone straps me to a chair and shoves spikes in my eyes, Clockwork Orange-style.
Lisa Vanderpump walks away from season eight with half of the women hating her – and a Q rating that is off the f*cking charts so she can’t possibly give a sh*t.
Erika made it through her first season without being grounded too often by her husband. I have no doubt she’ll be asked back next year and I can only pray she performs as Erika Jayne in every single episode because the second she begins to writhe around onstage, my recaps begin writing themselves.
Nobody cares about Kathryn.
And Yolanda finishes this year by chatting with her daughter over FaceTime while swathed in some aluminum-looking suit that looks like it was created after the Tin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hooked up in a closet during a particularly memorable bender. There is absolutely no explanation offered for why Yolanda is sitting in this silver ensemble. Maybe it’s to ward off evil. Perhaps it’s a Munchausen shield. What we are clearly asked to realize for sure is that wearing it proves definitively that Yolanda is sick – that she has always been sick – and she’s changed her last name back to Hadid because it’s always nice to be associated with someone who is very famous.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.