Hello, friends! It’s Monday, which means it’s time for the hills to be alive with the sounds of bitchery. Also means it’s time for my husband to head back to work and come home all stressed out and then absentmindedly put on my Oprah show t-shirt which somehow ended up in his pajama drawer. I love the fact that he’s stalking the house in estrogen-dyed ladywear and doesn’t even know it. Let’s talk about some Housewives news, shall we?

• Part 2 of the RHONJ finale aired Sunday and it was more of the same. Everybody’s done Teresa wrong, and she’s gonna make sure she says so first! I am just plain embarrassed. But I’d also like to see who’d win in a Teresa vs. Brandi beatdown, because that would be tight. Anyway, Mr. Andy played her like a violin. I loved it when she got onto how laid back she is and refuses to waste time on the small stuff, then he laid into her about the sprinkle cookies. As my Thai-speaking baby would … Continue reading →

And we’re back. While you were sleeping (and I wish I was)…

· Part 1 of the RHONJ “whirlwind of stupid” (thank you, Caroline, for that spot-on assessment) aired Sunday, without Jacqueline Laurita, so it was three-on-one now that Caroline has gone off the Guidice reservation. It was sordid and tawdry and all kinds of awful. The highlight for me was Mr. Andy’s inquiries into the hows, whys, and whats of spray tanning. Teresa behaved like a cat getting gunned with a firehose. You could practically hear the voice in her head chanting “be nice be nice be nice” but then YEEEEOOOOW! she would lose it and the eyes would pop out. Teresa insists she has done nothing wrong ever, has been roundly victimized by all sorts of people lying, and she and Joe are going to pay off their debt because it’s the right thing to do, not because continuing with what is alleged to be a fraudulent bankruptcy would have resulted in her and Joe going to jail. No, that part wasn’t true … Continue reading →

Greetings! I hope your Columbus Days have been suitably festive. I’m quickly falling prey to a nasty cold and started the evening with a Beyblade-induced headache, so really the last thing I felt like doing was drinking wine and watching a bunch of bitches fighting, but I do it for you, my friends. Before we get to tonight’s episode, brought to you by Midol, let’s get updated on the news from around the intertubes, shall we?

· The HuffPost is reporting that Jacqueline and Caroline will not be asked to return for season 5 of RHONJ in what’s basically a mutual parting of the ways. We still have another season to enjoy the moderate level of reason they bring, as season 4 has been shooting while the current season has been airing, but apparently these two goils haven’t been going sufficiently squirrel monkey [on camera] to justify their continued participation. Jacqueline, as we know from the previews, even ditched the season 3 reunion special. Rumor has it that there are a whole bunch more Gorga-Guidices … Continue reading →