The Pumps arrive in cocktail attire whereas everyone else is casual in denim. Kyle tells Mr. Lisa that he looks like a cross between Rod Stewart and Giggy. Doesn’t he always? The Oof-Ifs enter with Kimmy and Lisa totally blows them off. It really is quite rude, and Dr. Paul reacts by shouting a bunch of profanity, such a klassy display when you are first-time dinnerguests of people you haven’t even met yet. Yo shares that she invited “the most famous trumpet player in the world” in order to set him up with The Glands, but then she couldn’t come. Not Tay, we note. This is telling: the Glands made an unseemly sexual comment to Yo. Tay reacts by telling everyone in town about it, loudly and frequently. Yo responds by picking out one of her favorite single celebrities and trying to set him up with the single Glands versus the single Tay. We see what side the bread is buttered on here.
Tay tells us that Mr. Yo, David Foster, used to be married to one of her best friends, Linda. Apparently David does not know this because he has no idea who Tay is. She is seething. David shares that Yo is a wonderful hostess and how he thinks it’s practically criminal that so few women really know how to keep a house and entertain without the frou-frou, which he loathes. <
They are seated and get chatting about stuff. Chris Botti tells everyone that he is almost 50 and his whole body is “covered in Botox” except the cheeks because he needs them to blow his horn. I can’t believe Yo thinks this guy is straight. Tay, who has had at least six too many, starts blathering to him about how “her nemesis” isn’t here and goes back to the apocryphal anecdote that The Glands claims to have slept with every man in BH. Yo is appalled and comments that there is nothing worse than an inebriated woman. I am going to go out on a limb here and say there are worse things, but will agree that Tay’s about all I can take sober so when she’s forshnicked I am just begging and pleading for someone to come with the butterfly net and take her to Betty, never to emerge.
The Fosters share that they actually met through Yo’s ex-husband, Moh! It seems David was going to move in with Moh after his last divorce, saw photos of Yo, the former Mrs. Moh, and asked to be introduced. According to David, Moh’s Arab culture is cool with making introductions to your old women but not necessarily with moving in on your old women. I am not sure how this varies from, say, American culture, although it’s probably fine in France and maybe that’s the point he’s trying to make. Anyway, it was love at first sight.
In between talking at his guests, David periodically leaps up to the nearby piano to play a few bars. (I am guessing the decision to locate the party in the casual dining room next to the piano has more to do with the fact that the piano is there than any special hostessy plan on Yo’s part.) David tinkles the keys a bit and all of a sudden the American Idol guy is belting out some sappy crap from “Urban Cowboy”, which has Kyle singing along and yacking over everyone. “That was my mother’s favorite song!” she shrieks about six times. Interesting that Kim, who shares the mother, is keeping quiet. Methinks someone besides Tay is operating under chardonnay power at this point. The splits are coming! David then shares some story about how Boz Skaggs and he collaborated on the song and Kyle is practically falling into her filet she’s trying so hard. Is Boz Skaggs that big of a deal? I’m tired.
So after they eat they all move over to surround the piano for what looks like a cheesy singalong, but is actually a cheesy watch-people-sing along. Did the Pumps make a break for it before this part? I saw Mr. Lisa with Lisa’s purse and can’t recall them enduring this dorky bit of things. The Fosters bring in another professional singer, this one a gospel-y person named Nina, and they launch into “Amazing Grace”. Kyle, starts singing along and is getting all ready to do the splits when she gets shut down by Yo. One does NOT sing when the master is singing! Tay, who is all glassy-eyed and slipping off her ottoman, thinks the rules are obnoxious. “Oh, fine, don’t let us sing! We don’t want to sing your damn crapass songs anyway! You can kiss my bony white ass, songboy!” Or something like that. Lisa thinks Tay’s singing sounds “like a loaded cat being strangled” so I guess she is still there. Next, the trumpeter launches into “Danny Boy” and Tay’s eyes cross. She thinks this is horrible and she’s mad as hell that she’s having to go through it. What’s good enough for Streisand…
Finally, Yo decides it’s her bedtime and tells everyone to go home. Tay is pissed because the wine service ended during the 7th inning stretch and then there was “Danny Boy” and she’s all depressed and losing her buzz. The butler wheelbarrows her out.
The next day at Villa Rosa, home of the Pumps, Lisa is getting ready for – surprise! – a beer summit with Adrienne. Or really it will be a wine summit. “I’m expecting to hear “I’m sorry” or the meeting will be as short as she is,” she sniffs to Mr. Lisa. She hopes it’s time to put their issues aside. He’s disgusted with them and can’t be bothered.
Next time: the confrontation begins, sure to not end well because that wouldn’t be worth watching, would it? The girls head off on a weekend out of town and The Glands and Kim break it down. Just bein’ neighborly….
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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