REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 2/11/13

Away we go! We arrive at the Casa Umansky where Kyle and Mauricio are wrestling with a collapsing rack of “extra clothes”. What are “extra clothes”? Are these show costumes? I do spot that ridiculous black Vanna White jumpsuit from the Feige dinner party fiasco on the rack. Kyle tells Mauricio that she is headed over to Lisa’s to sort out their detente. Kyle knows Lisa is upset with her; she thinks this is a petty argument. Not petty to Ms. Pump!

Kyle arrives at Villa Rosa and it seems like this is the first time she’s been to the new house. It’s quite a place, Kyle thinks, and I agree. Lisa thinks she’s really made this house perfect and she doesn’t want to move again; Kyle suggests she put her creative energies into her restaurants, “which I don’t really own,” snips Lisa. And here we go. Lisa does not understand why Kyle didn’t speak up and defend her, but Kyle thought Lisa did just fine by herself without skipping a beat. This is probably true. Kyle also says she just couldn’t handle fighting with anyone new because there’s enough fighting going on already, triggering her anxiety. The Glands should pass the Xanax. They both agree that the crap Adrienne pulls, repeating stuff she’s “heard”, is something everyone should decline to do themselves, and that Adrienne needs to start focusing on the solution and not the problem. I agree here too! Kyle asserts that Lisa is inclined to hold a grudge, which is probably not a smart thing to say but Lisa doesn’t seem to get too worked up about it. Instead, Lisa puts Kyle in a wrestling hold and threatens to give her an Atomic Wedgie if she doesn’t say she feels bad about not defending her. Kyle doesn’t want to do it, but Lisa starts to pull and Kyle gives in. Are we friends again? I guess, but Kyle doesn’t think anything will be the same. Maybe Lisa has realized she just doesn’t like Kyle that much.

Meanwhile, Yo’s over at the horse boarding place watching Bella canter around and waiting for a visit from The Glands. Yo’s got that Hermes belt on again, this time holding up a midget’s pair of acid-washed capris worn with a wife beater. A friend once asked me whether a person can wear cropped pants with a 3/4 sleeve shirt, or if the overall look is as though the clothes shrank. Yo would do well to ask herself this question when she gets dressed in the morning. The Glands admires the horse and its rider, who looks a lot more like her dad than her mom which is unfortunate, but hopefully her eyebrows are symmetrical. My college friend has pointed out that many of these women (most notably Yo) have one neatly groomed eyebrow and one furry wonker. It can’t all be blamed on Botox. Yo shares her sorrow that she can only afford one horse when most competitive riders have two or three. Mo needs to pony up for more ponies! And if he won’t Yo ought to put that lemon farm to work. Or put out more at home.

Anyway, The Glands thanks Yo for sticking up for her in Vegas and trying to defuse round 311 of The Adrienne Situation. Sadly, Yo will be out of town for Lisa’s upcoming tea party – the sequel, which The Glands and Adrienne will both be attending in their first face-to-face confrontation since The Agency Party. Yo tells The Glands to be bold and fearless, because she has “been great” in apologizing and acknowledging the wrong in talking about __________, and it’s Adrienne who doesn’t want to move on. In Yo’s opinion, Adrienne is “insecure” and using her status and wealth to intimidate. If Adrienne “had balls”, Yo opines, she’d call The Glands directly with her complaints rather than phone a lawyer. I sort of suspect Adrienne does have balls, actually. “Who is Adrienne Maloof in this world?” Yo asks. “In the big picture she’s nobody.” Oooh, Adrienne’s not going to like that one bit!

So back at Lisa’s she’s getting ready for tea party – the sequel, and has Jax and Pirate from SUR there in tank tops with their armpit hair hanging out all ready to pour non-tea drinks and serve sandwich loaf. Lisa is making a true fashion mistake with that purple gypsy gown. The Glands arrives first, as she usually does, and giraffes through the house to greet Mr. Lisa. Lisa makes a crack about how The Glands is a foot taller than Mr. Lisa, to which he responds that “you’re all the same size lying down”. Shazam!

So despite being bucked up by Yo The Glands remains predictably nervous about seeing Adrienne. Lisa advises her to just keep a lid on it and save herself the next $20K. “Your honesty is endearing, but it’s also your worst quality,” she says. True enough. Next one through the door is Tay in a red dress, carrying a wad of red tissue paper that is supposedly a housewarming gift and turns out to be a vibrator. The Glands thinks butt beads would have been a more special present for “Freak of the Week” Lisa. The Glands takes Tay upstairs to tour the boudoir, where they find a naked glamour shot of Lisa on Mr. Lisa’s bureau, “in the closet for everyone to see”. If I looked that good wrapped around a bearskin rug I’d hang it over my fireplace!

Marisa shows up alone in another white dress, this one with long sleeves. The foursome of people who actually like each other chats about Marisa’s boredom with her husband after sixteen years; The Glands offers to enter the bedroom as #3. Lisa is appalled as she is “still working up to a twosome”. With butt beads!