REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 3/11/13

We return to Paris for the last night of this uneventful tour. A friend who was catching up on her Tivoed episodes this weekend texted me that she and her family were apparently in Paris the week after the Housewives; I find this perfectly tragic news as her husband would have been the perfect third to join Mauricio and Mr. Lisa on their Segway tour of the arrondissements. Since my friend’s name is also Lisa, we could have had TWO Mr. Lisa’s zipping around gay Paris with baguettes under the arm, whistling a tune. Zut alors. Anyway, everyone’s on board a barge on the Seine for a dinner cruise, and Lisa is still – STILL – wondering about Kimmy’s sobriety. She seems better now, but was sure wacky before. Maybe or maybe it was just her usual Kimminess, but it’s over so can’t we drop it? Yo brings The Glands a present, since they were both solo travelers but pitiful Glands doesn’t have anyone to go home to, and it’s a pair of turquoise strappy gladiator type stilettos that go all the way up to the knee. How impractical. Who gives shoes as a gift? And where are Kimmy’s? Kim, too, is alone and has no one to go home to except Kingsley. I know she got a purse from Mauricio but if Yo’s giving gifts I think she could at least come up with a scarf or something, at least a beret. The boat skims under the “lovers’ bridge” where the Umanskys bolted their love to the steel fence for all eternity, and Lisa wants to do it, too. So does The Glands, who wants to lock herself to Kimmy, of all people, because developing their friendship has been the highlight of this trip for her. That’s sweet, actually, although Kim looks slightly askance. She thanks everyone for a great trip with some mumbly nonsense about how it has been a long time since she was in Paris which was a long time ago, so this was nice. Fin.

Back in LA, Kyle’s home at the Casa Umansky and Marisa is coming to visit. There are a few brief remarks about the death of Marisa’s father-in-law which frankly I think are weirdly dismissive having lost my own dad. Marisa wants to move on to other subjects and overall it seems like this is taking place much after the fact and just wedged in. Marisa’s mother-in-law wants her to sell the marital home as soon as possible, and Marisa wants Mauricio to co-list it with her. She knows he gets part of the commission, right? Marisa also wants to know how the trip was and it was great, says Kyle, except Kimmy was weird because she always is, and Kyle worries because she always does. In other news, Kyle is very excited about opening the store. I am thinking this season of RHOBH could have been trimmed a few episodes, this one in particular.

Over at the Chateau Pump, Lisa is receiving Franck, Pandy’s wedding planner, who is now tasked with planning a fabulous, romantic housewarming party for 60-70 people on a budget considerably under $1 million. Can it be done? Does Lisa, who literally wrote a book on entertaining, really need Franck for this? Maybe, because it seems she is caving to Mr. Lisa’s insistence on renewing their vows as well, therefore she will need a master of ceremonies while she is otherwise engaged in pinking herself up and presenting herself to Mr. Lisa as a re-virginized, debatably 50-something-year-old atop a bridge to be mounted over the swimming pool and adorned with a heart. I just don’t understand vow renewals, and Lisa doesn’t seem to either as she made her commitment 30 years ago and she’s sticking to it just fine, but Mr. Lisa thinks it’s romantic and Bravo is paying so why the hell not? I think this is a bad idea. Vow renewals on the Real Housewives are a harbinger of doom.

Elsewhere, Yo’s at some random house getting ready for a photo shoot for an Asian magazine featuring herself and David. He only has an hour available, so his part in this will be brief, but he’s a pro. Yo’s a pro, too, and also a bit of a b*tch. She hates her hair curly, and hates the dresses the stylists have brought, and thinks this whole thing is working out as a disaster. She loves David and lemons and that seems to be about it, really. Ultimately Yo grudgingly puts on this sheer-and-tinsel concoction that looks like a skating costume gone very wrong. It does, thankfully, have a body condom inside that is far browner than Yo’s actual skin tone so nothing is revealed, but altogether it’s like a reverse JLo fiasco with the covered parts on the edges and the naked parts right in the business areas, so Yo gets photographed from the side. The Fosters fondle each other for the camera. It’s like a Harlequin novel, but with moving bits.

Speaking of seniors, Marisa is receiving Mauricio at her in-laws’ house to discuss the potential sale. It seems Marisa’s mother-in-law, Lili Fini Zanuck, has been a tremendous influence on our Marisa, although hopefully not on her fashion sense because Marisa is wearing a perfectly hideous flowery-ruffle dress in 50 shades of gray that looks like it came from the clearance rack at Ross. The house, however, is gorgeous. A classical Georgian, very traditional, on four acres at close to 18,000 square feet. Fabulous as it is, Lili has always wanted to sell the house and is wasting no time since the late Mr. Zanuck’s death to get to it. Some people call Mauricio the gangster of love but Marisa calls him “Maurice”, and feels his assistance and advice as co-listing agent will bring in his connections with the fat wallets. And fat they will need to be, as the two settle on $23 million as a list price. Maurice thinks they can get it; Marisa was originally thinking $25MM but that might have tweaked some of the cheapskates. At $23 it’s a bargain.