Dividing up into two groups, the Housewives settle in for massages. One group is made up of the happy triad of Kyle, Kim, and Lisa R. while the other group is Eileen, Lisa, and Brandi and Eileen tries not to twitch as she has to lie topless beside the person she’s terrified of and tries to smile as Brandi tosses out random comments about anal sex at a spa before noon.
Eileen, a working actress, has to skedaddle from the festivities after the massage to get to the set, so she does not get the chance to join the lunch and wine tasting that is the next stop on The Day of Relaxation. Why would they go to a wine tasting when Kim is there? Well, it was revealed that there was some kind of miscommunication that transpired that led the group to an alcohol-soaked lunch, which translates into a producer wanted to see what would happen when you brought a sober alcoholic into a wine bar. It felt genuinely uncomfortable to watch Kim sip a fruit smoothie at the very end of the bar as the rest of them swirled and sipped Merlot, and Kyle took a moment to make sure that her sister was okay. I give her a hard time because I tend to find her kind of insufferable, but I liked that moment; it showed Kyle was aware and concerned, and I know what it’s like when someone you care about has traveled down a bumpy and scary road and all you want is for that to never again be that person’s destination. To her credit, Kim got up and left the restaurant and went to make a phone call to avoid feeling temptation or anger and I commend her for making that choice, but the whole thing still felt manipulated and insensitive and, frankly, kind of gross.
We’ll be brought back to wine country in just a minute, but first we are flown quickly across the country so we can bear witness to Yolanda and her genetically-perfect daughters as they collectively select the photographs that Bella will put in her book for model castings. Gigi, Bella’s older sister, helps her select the pictures, and since Gigi is a no-joke model – seriously, the girl models for Tom Ford – Bella listens to the advice. I could have done without the plodding imitation of Tyra Banks, but I guess that’s the kind of fun models have when they’re not starving themselves beautiful.
And up until the second commercial break or so, the episode was kind of dull, but not to worry because these women are in it (an incredibly exploitive show) to win it (a contract for next season so they can exploit themselves some more).
But before all hell broke loose, there was a silly little scene in the bus as the women came home from their day of enforced togetherness. All of them shared the fantasies they harbored. Lisa R’s fantasy involved Brad Pitt. Kim’s fantasy was to be alone on an island, which is not sad at all. Kylie’s was to become an anonymous stripper – and girls, there’s nothing wrong with dreaming big. And Brandi’s? Brandi’s fantasy was to walk in on the man she’s in love with as he’s banging another girl and he sees her enter the room but he can’t stop to apologize because he still needs to c*m.
Stop being so judgmental, people! Haven’t we all happily dreamed of being cheated on?
There’s really no time, though, to delve into Brandi’s odd choice of turn-ons because we have to get to the heart of the episode. Just know as we journey there together that the heart is only faintly beating.
Before the real carnage, Kyle and Kim meet up at a store where Kyle is overheard telling the clerk that she has to return the “Herve” dress, which is a nice quick way for her to reference Herve Leger, a designer who specializes in expensive bandage dresses. So whoever bet that Kyle would toss in a designer’s name by the half-hour mark, you win the prize! Kyle is wearing gladiator sandals that look mildly ridiculous on her and off she and Kim go to lunch.
All we really need to know about this moment is that the sisters are getting along beautifully and speaking honestly about Kim’s sobriety and how strong she is now. Basically, what’s going on is that The Real Housewives is now adopting an idea from Chekov: show a gun in act one (Kim’s sobriety) and the audience should prepare for that gun to fire maniacally by act three – which means that Kim’s strength and sobriety will be seriously called into question. I guessed that’s where we were heading since I’d seen the previews for this episode, but I had no idea how messy that symbolic gunshot would actually be and I never imagined the gore that would be left behind in its wake.
Here’s the thing–I recognize that Brandi is a trainwreck. But I actually like her. Here is my reasoning.
One of the biggest issues I have with the majority of the women on any of the Real Housewives is that they seem so hell-bent on presenting themselves as these up-standing, classy women who are so above appalling behavior when if you look at the reality of the situation, they signed up to be part of an experience where cattiness, drama, and appalling behavior is producer-mandated and encouraged and rewarded. By signing up to be one the show, you are agreeing to associate yourself with people who act a certain way. My biggest issue with Lisa V., Kyle, and to a lesser degree Yolanda is that they try to act like they’re “normal” and above the craziness when in actuality that craziness is what keeps their show on television and is in fact what they signed up for.
The reason why I like Brandi is because she is the most self-aware housewife in the entire franchise. She knows that she’s crude, crass, and inappropriate. She knows that she was cast to play the villain and does her job. She knows that she’s always going to be judged and looked down upon by the other ladies regardless of how she acts, simply because of her background. So she just shows us who she really is. I truly believe that with Brandi, what you see is what you get. She doesn’t put on airs or try to act like she’s above the nonsense. She just embraces the show she’s on. That’s why she’s my favorite.
I’m always baffled by the people who find Brandi “real” and decide they like her for that. First of all, Brandi is always claiming she “never lies” and people buy that crap. Hook, line, and sinker. She’s actually one of the biggest liars on the show. She’s constantly lying both on the show, in interviews, on social media, and most recently on “Celebrity Apprentice”. Sadly, I do think she believes her own delusions; however, she is STILL a liar. She’s foul and gross and can’t believe ANY of these women would choose to have her in their life (even Kathy Hilton apparently invites her to parties – color me confused). I have very little money and do not feel myself above or better than others. That said, I would NEVER allow Brandi to even sit at the same table as me. She and Tamra Barney from the RHOC are two of the most vile human beings I’ve ever had to listen to. I’m all for presenting a character on a show, but I think these two are lost in those characters and have proven to be vile, lowlife human beings and I wouldn’t allow them to walk my dogs, let alone have them around my family and friends.