Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 1/27/15

I should be happy. I should be thrilled. Because on the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we were treated to the two most magnificent sights in all the land: Yolanda’s perfect glass refrigerator and Lisa Vanderpump’s spectacular closet. But I find that I am unable to maintain the joy that the sight of Lisa’s purses and Yolanda’s lemons normally give me because what the episode really centered on was the continuing decent of Kim Richards, a tragic and broken shell of a woman who should never have been cast on a reality show that’s not called Intervention.

Here’s the thing: when she’s sober, Kim is not all that interesting. She speaks only of her children and of the past success she had as a child star and her voice is tremulous and shredded from years of smoking cigarettes and crying into glasses of chardonnay. When she’s off whatever wagon she was momentarily being dragged down the street by, she is vacant and infantile and prone to lashing out at the wrong people.

And during neither time is she willing to explore the truth.

It’s time to speak frankly. Kim is on this show because she needs the money; the royalties are no longer rolling down Witch Mountain. And there’s something very sad about watching someone do something so invasive simply for the money. This is a person who was raised to crave attention and to keep secrets – and that’s a heady and very poor combination when you are an addict who earns a salary by being followed by cameras.

The episode begins back at Eileen’s poker party, and it’s probably the last time she will ever open her home to these women. Is a brief recap necessary? Last week, Brandi pronounced Eileen’s home décor Scary American Gothic; Lisa Rinna was scared into a shell-shocked silence at Kim’s insane behavior on the ride to the party; Kyle realized her sister was on something besides the false happiness Kim crows about in the show’s opening credits; and Brandi took it upon herself to be Kim’s protector, which apparently meant shoving Kyle down some stairs and rationalizing that Kim is going through more than any human being has ever gone through in all of creation, and thank God Brandi is here to help.

This week, after Kyle pushes Brandi away from her sister and Brandi responds with a shove of her own, Brandi and Kim go outside on the driveway. Completely oblivious to the chaos she is causing, Kim’s first line of the night is “Where’s my pizza?” and it’s said in the voice of a petulant toddler who has just peed all over the living room rug after tying the puppy’s tail into a knot and then asks why he can’t have a cookie. The blankness that is the defining feature of Kim’s eyes is evident as Kyle tries to speak with her again; she can’t seem to focus her dilated pupils on anything for long, so she only catches snippets here and there as Kyle and Brandi fight in front of her about two very different things. Kyle wants to find out what’s wrong with her sister while it’s Brandi’s priority to show Kyle that she has a scratch on her arm from when Kyle pushed her.

That was the first moment of the night that I wanted to shove Brandi’s head into a wall because, first of all, there’s obviously something very wrong with Kim – and pretending that there’s not is doing her a real disservice. Second of all, Brandi has already announced to a global audience that she likes being choked during sex, so girlfriend can’t really complain about a tiny little scratch with such vociferousness and expect to be taken seriously.

Brandi is an idiot and her motivations are scattered and she very badly needs help, though I’d warn against sending her into the same rehab that Kim should run quickly towards because they are terrible influences on one another and they need to be separated. Brandi mollifies Kim and tells her that it’s okay to behave in the way that she does and Kim makes Brandi appear more normal simply by standing next to her. It’s like watching Charles Manson and Ted Bundy discuss who is more of a brutal monster; nobody wins and everyone becomes a victim.

It’s always hard for me to believe that people who join a reality show that’s currently in its fourth or fifth season can be so filled with wonder that the people on it are reactionary loons. Certainly they must have watched the show before they signed on and knew what they were plunging themselves into. But Lisa Rinna and Eileen are frankly stunned by the brawl occurring in Eileen’s driveway, and I fear that after her bizarre ride to Malibu with Kim, Lisa might never sleep soundly again. But they do try to understand what is happening in their presence as grown women devolve into weepy or ferocious beasts in the driveway, and they have the mental capacity to realize that Brandi’s explanation of the conflict – that Kyle and Kim hate each other – is probably not the root of the real issue. Eileen, looking shrewdly at the nonsense in front of her, rolls her eyes at the side issue of Brandi’s nonexistent wound caused by Kyle and tells Brandi to use some Neosporin and to get a grip, and though maybe she’s a little dull, I like Eileen’s no bullsh*t attitude, especially when it’s aimed straight at the altered face of a woman stuffed with bullsh*t and with fillers.