Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 1/20/15

January 21st, 2015 | 2 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

The net theme event is Poker Night at Eileen’s house. Lisa and Yolanda are the only ones not attending because Yolanda is still in New York and Lisa is in Cabo with Giggy, who is seen without a onesie! I was so unaccustomed to seeing the dog naked that I almost blushed scarlet just looking at him. All the other women were there though, and holy hell, did it devolve into a sh*t show.

Kyle and Brandi traveled to Malibu together and we got to see two things that make me roll my eyes to the heavens: Brandi pre-gaming by downing wine before the event and Kyle saying sentences like, “How do you think I felt?” when someone else is expressing how they were feeling. I hate you, Kyle, I thought to myself.

That hatred would be gone by the end of the episode.

I don’t know who she pissed off at Bravo, but Lisa R. had to travel to Malibu with Kim, and the moment that Lisa got into the back seat of the car and Kim squawked that she felt “ornery” – which needed subtitles because Kim can’t create language all that easily – Lisa realized that something scary was taking place and that part of being on a reality show was that, if the lunatic sitting beside her attacked, the cameras would probably just keep filming.

It took maybe a minute for Lisa to ask Kim if she had been drinking, and there was a beat – or five – while Kim made her brain create messages to send to her mouth and then she denied ingesting any alcohol. But Lisa called it immediately and said to the camera that Kim seemed “f*cked uuuuuuuuuup,” having no idea yet what was in store. Because Kim – who if she was not drinking or on drugs might have legitimately have had a stroke because her behavior was so markedly off and terrifying –
told Lisa that she was sad that her sick ex-husband had not been around and Lisa tried to comfort her by saying that she felt for her and that’s when Kim snapped.

“Well don’t f*cking feel sorry for me. You don’t know what I go through at night,” raged the sober woman with something that resembled real menace in her eyes. And all Lisa could do was say soothing things like, “You’re right, I don’t,” and scope out the car they were in to see if there was a sunroof she could maybe crawl through to her safety. But no, we’re not even close to done with the car ride from the depths of hell, because soon Kim – whom I’d imagine every studio on the planet would love to insure for a project – told Lisa that she wanted to act again and play “murderess, sexy,” and then she formed her eyes into little slits and started whispering “f*ck you” to Lisa, who wasn’t sure if this was Kim’s way of playing murderess-sexy, and where was Brandi, that sane girl who only threw wine that one time and had never seemed like she was about to cut Lisa’s spleen out during a car ride?

The look on Lisa’s face when she arrived safely at Eileen’s house said it all: she was so relieved to be around witnesses! And after a tour of the house, during which Brandi compared Eileen’s style to American Psycho, the women sat down so Eileen’s husband could teach them how to play poker.

Things were bad from the start. Brandi, who got into the car with Kyle earlier while holding three bottles of wine, was nasty-girl drunk and Kim – the only one in the vicinity who has a chance to make Brandi appear somewhat lucid – was sucking on a mini cigar like she was taking a bong hit. Brandi made some rude comments to Kyle about being stupid because she couldn’t understand the rules of poker and when Kim won a round, she kind of started tonguing Brandi’s cheek in that way we all do upon winning a card game.

And there looking at it all was Kyle. Kyle sat and tried to remain gracious and involved with the game and she tried to chat with her hostess, but from her peripheral vision all she could see was her sister – the one who was supposed to be sober and strong – clearly on something and unraveling on camera. The genuine fear and sadness on Kyle’s face hit me somewhere real, and I was devastated for her that she could see that the scary cycle was starting again.

She finally confronted Kim about her behavior, and after saying she hadn’t drank or smoked or taken anything, Kim finally let drop that Monty, her ex-husband, had given her a pill before she left the house and the sadness Kyle exhibited broke my heart. But the thing is, none of it broke Kim’s heart because addicts, due to their sickness, are selfish and what she apparently saw on a night when she told random women to go f*ck themselves was that Kyle had called her out – and the Richards sisters were raised to believe that you keep your secrets until you die a bitter death and you never let anyone know the truth, which is an odd way of life for people who have chosen to go on a reality show.

But listen: there’s no time to examine irony now, because Brandi – drunk, stupid Brandi – chose to make herself Kim’s protector and her enabler and she decides that Kim should go home because she’s just been going through so much and she can’t be all things to all people, the most ridiculous statement uttered during an episode riddled with ridiculous statements. Before she leaves through, Kim wants to slur some goodbyes at the people who now genuinely fear her and she stumbles back into the house to say goodbye to everybody but her b*tch sister, Kyle, the woman who had the absolute gall to mutter out loud that Kim might have compromised her sobriety, because Kim believes she was acting like she had it all together, and without Kyle saying the incriminating words, nobody would have known she was high as a kite and how dare she and all she was doing was trying to authentically act murderess-sexy, which, by the way, is what I think I’ll name my daughter one day.

Realizing she was being ignored and truly afraid for her sister, Kyle attempted to speak to Kim before she left. Kim was having none of it and neither was her bony bodyguard Brandi, who all but threw herself between Kim and Kyle as Kyle was trying to get some answers from her sister. At one point, Kyle kind of nudged Brandi away from something that was real and private – as private as something can be when you’re all wearing microphones – and Brandi did not like being touched so she pushed Kyle hard and screamed at her and off into the night went Kim, a skeleton of a woman who will probably never get better because she was raised to deny truth. And back at Eileen’s house stood Kyle and she was trembling and it was all very real and just so very sad.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

2 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 1/20/15

  1. Here’s the thing–I recognize that Brandi is a trainwreck. But I actually like her. Here is my reasoning.

    One of the biggest issues I have with the majority of the women on any of the Real Housewives is that they seem so hell-bent on presenting themselves as these up-standing, classy women who are so above appalling behavior when if you look at the reality of the situation, they signed up to be part of an experience where cattiness, drama, and appalling behavior is producer-mandated and encouraged and rewarded. By signing up to be one the show, you are agreeing to associate yourself with people who act a certain way. My biggest issue with Lisa V., Kyle, and to a lesser degree Yolanda is that they try to act like they’re “normal” and above the craziness when in actuality that craziness is what keeps their show on television and is in fact what they signed up for.

    The reason why I like Brandi is because she is the most self-aware housewife in the entire franchise. She knows that she’s crude, crass, and inappropriate. She knows that she was cast to play the villain and does her job. She knows that she’s always going to be judged and looked down upon by the other ladies regardless of how she acts, simply because of her background. So she just shows us who she really is. I truly believe that with Brandi, what you see is what you get. She doesn’t put on airs or try to act like she’s above the nonsense. She just embraces the show she’s on. That’s why she’s my favorite.

  2. I’m always baffled by the people who find Brandi “real” and decide they like her for that. First of all, Brandi is always claiming she “never lies” and people buy that crap. Hook, line, and sinker. She’s actually one of the biggest liars on the show. She’s constantly lying both on the show, in interviews, on social media, and most recently on “Celebrity Apprentice”. Sadly, I do think she believes her own delusions; however, she is STILL a liar. She’s foul and gross and can’t believe ANY of these women would choose to have her in their life (even Kathy Hilton apparently invites her to parties – color me confused). I have very little money and do not feel myself above or better than others. That said, I would NEVER allow Brandi to even sit at the same table as me. She and Tamra Barney from the RHOC are two of the most vile human beings I’ve ever had to listen to. I’m all for presenting a character on a show, but I think these two are lost in those characters and have proven to be vile, lowlife human beings and I wouldn’t allow them to walk my dogs, let alone have them around my family and friends.

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