Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 2/3/15

Speaking of women who come off as normal, Lisa Vanderpump is feeling anxious. Her son, who was adopted many years ago, wants to research his genetic lineage and there’s a real fear inside of Lisa that he might want to find his birth mother. She speaks of her conflicted emotions about him undertaking such an action with eloquence and she has tears in her eyes when she says, “It’s my job as a mother not to stand in his way,” and her strength makes me like her all the more. And should she ever despair that she’s experiencing too much of an empty nest in that gigantic home, I would like to offer myself up for adoption, though I’d request that my mother retain visitation rights as it only seems fair since she went through labor with me during a blizzard.

That blizzard on the dawn of my birth was one thing. But the hail of crazy that typically rains down upon Kim gains in velocity as Brandi knocks on her door. She’s there to check on her Best Friend Forever now that Kim is home from the hospital, and it’s alluded to that Kim had some kind of pneumonia that caused a fractured rib and a hernia that she attempted to self-medicate by taking one of her ex-husband’s cancer pills before going to get actual help from a real doctor. I don’t doubt that Kim was sick, but even her explanations for legitimate illnesses come off sounding suspicious, and I think it’s because the raggedy rasp of a voice with which she croaks her words out make her sound as though she’s searching for the truth. And the cough she hacks out during her visit with Brandi makes me realize that the Surgeon General might have found a new spokesmodel for anti-smoking ads.

There’s a moment where Brandi admonishes Kim for taking medicine that was not prescribed to her, and it’s advice that’s so normal and wise that I almost couldn’t believe it was Brandi who was spewing it. But then Brandi had to ruin any goodwill I began to have for her by asking Kim who she had spoken to since the Poker Party in an effort to passively aggressively find out if Kim had spoken with Kyle. You could almost see the strength with which Brandi began chanting mantras in the hopes that Kim and Kyle were now forever estranged, but she did not get the response she hoped for desperately and the whole thing was gross.

I’d like to take a second to publicly endorse that the editors of this show be paid a hefty salary, and as evidence of their greatness, we should look at how they cut back and forth seamlessly between the conversation Kim had with Brandi and the one she had the day before with Kyle. I actually laughed when I saw that the Kim/Kyle pow-wow was shown with a bluish tint to indicate to the viewer that it was a conversation that took place at a different time than the one with Kim had with Brandi. The visual dichotomy struck me as woefully unnecessary: if there’s one thing I don’t think even the most intoxicated viewer would give Kim credit for it would be the superpower of being in two places at once since she can barely remain in her own head for long.

The Brandi conversation was all about how much Brandi loves Kim and how she knows that Kyle has not been there for her sister in the staunch way she has been for the last six months. Brandi wonders out loud to a teetering addict who has problematic judgment even when she’s sober about where Kyle was during the four nights when Kim called Brandi late at night to share her feelings. My guess is that Kyle was sleeping during those evenings due to the exhaustion she has faced dealing with her sister’s illness for the last four decades, but Brandi is not someone who can think beyond herself.

It would be sweet – utterly and completely misguided, but sweet – if Brandi could actually just put her energy into caring about Kim, but her larger issue is with being Kim’s favorite. She’s the kind of sad woman (yes, even gorgeous women with insane bodies can be quite sad) who asks her friend, “Who do you love more?” and then laughs as though she’s making a joke when in fact she’d very much like an answer to her question. She also tells Kim that she needs strong people to lean on, which is true, but it’s tragically hilarious that Brandi – who can barely stand up straight in a social situation where her only lucid thoughts are vicious after that first glass of wine slides down her gullet – is the right woman for the thankless job.

As these two great minds meld, it is decided that Brandi should attend Kyle’s mixer so they can mend a friendship that never really existed. And obviously Kim will inform Kyle in advance that she’s bringing a sh*t-stirring social drunk to a party Kyle is throwing, right? Stop being silly! To give her sister a head’s up would be considerate!

What’s sad (or one of the things that’s sad in an episode chock-full of misery) is that the talk that Kyle and Kim just had was emotional and loving and the two sisters seemed to be back on the right path. I don’t really get why Kim has an issue with Kyle in the first place, but I think it’s rooted in the fact that Kyle knows Kim’s history and she knows Kim’s secrets and Kim is a shattered shard of a person who hides from the truth and always has.

As the party descends upon us like a swarm of locusts, Kyle gussies herself up in a teeny sequin dress and scales the shelves of her closet to find the right purse for the evening. Kyle looks very pretty, and with those sequins you will be able to spot her in a crowd, but it might have been best to have worn less eye makeup because she will weep it off by night’s end.

The mixer draws a small crowd, but Eileen and both Lisas show up for the festivities. Lisa Rinna is all legs and lips and she hugs Lisa Vanderpump and then exclaims, “I love Lisa Vanderpump! She smells like roses!” I adore both ladies named Lisa, regardless of what they smell like. They are shrewd and funny and f*cking normal, which is a relief on this show. Plus, during a later scene in which Lisa Rinna made small-talk with Kim, whom she has recently described as “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” and “out of her f*cking mind” was maybe my favorite minute of the show because Lisa looked politely terrified and it reminded me of that time I nervously pet a hungry goat at the petting zoo when I was five.

But when Kim shows up with Brandi, all hell breaks loose. Brandi arrives wearing a short black fit and flare dress with no back and a mesh panel covering her cleavage. She looks very much like what I think Tonya Harding might have skated in had someone fashionably slutty given her a makeover in 1994. Kyle is stunned Brandi is there and Brandi can’t make her ginormous legs walk the three feet over to the hostess she had recently attempted to assault to say either a hello or squeak out an apology. Kyle finally makes the trek to air-kiss Brandi and later attempts to rectify the situation.

It does not go well.