Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/10/15

March 11th, 2015 | 9 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

You know what’s so amazing about going on a vacation? No, I’m not talking about getting that perfect tan or seeing those magical places you have only read about in books or even having one of those nights that don’t end until the dawn when you drink cocktails you can barely pronounce and then dance under a velvet sky filled with stars that look like diamonds when you stare up at them drunkenly. Sure – all of that is nice, but what’s really great about a vacation is when you get to sit around a table on a boat that you can’t get off until it winds its way through a canal and the biggest assh*le in the vicinity suggests that everybody goes around and says something kind about a group of people who have more conflicts than the Middle East and then the evening ends with one person slapping you across the face.

Where’s my passport?!

We’ll get to the worst boat ride any group of people have ever taken in all of history – and that includes both the Titanic and that cruise ship where they ran out of food and families of five subsisted on one green apple for a week while feces ran in rivers through the solarium – in just a moment, but that event takes place at night and first we all need to trudge through the glorious daylight hours of a vacation with the Housewives.

It’s a sunshiny new day in the magical land of Amsterdam, a place where the flowers bloom spectacularly and some of the American women who visit refuse to gnaw on even a crumb of a space cake because they have children back in the States and getting a little bit high is way worse than slapping someone across the face in a restaurant – or at least that’s what Brandi heard once at a sample sale.

First to appear this episode are Brandi and Kim, and I can’t help but view such an image as a horrific bit of foreboding that now has me pausing the action on my television screen so I can wave around a small bundle of burning sage and quickly build a coffee table made entirely from protective rose quartz crystals while I say a blessing over my uterus that I never produce anything that becomes as big of a nightmare as Kim Richards.

Speaking of the insane Kim, she lets Brandi know that she has not been sleeping soundly, which is also a subtle way for her to make sure that we viewers know that she has not been gulping down sleeping pills or anything else that was initially prescribed for someone who has a terminal disease. But then the Lisas join the two women in the lobby, and they let their sleep-deprived travel buddies know that just a teensy bite of that space cake in the café helped them to sleep soundly for many uninterrupted hours of pure unconscious bliss.

Suck it, Kim and Brandi.

Kim and Brandi have a plan to go shopping that day, an activity that appeals to both of the Lisas too since nothing could be more wonderful than getting to do something you have never ever done before in your entire life while you’re on vacation. But proving that she’s kind of sane,
Lisa R. does inquire about whether or not Brandi and Kim might prefer to go shopping just the two of them and Brandi responds by looking stunned and asking “why?”

I’d like to take a moment to answer Brandi’s question.

Brandi, I think that the reason a shopping expedition between this particular foursome might not strike any conscious mammal as ideal stems from one or all of the following reasons:

1. It was just last night when you stood shrieking in the middle of the street about the hypocrisy these women cloak themselves in while you prefer to wear your own version of the truth like it’s a sheer, edible G-string.

2. It was only two nights ago when Kim taunted Lisa R. across a dinner table that was crowded with everything except food and brazenly asserted that there were dark and tragic secrets buried under the Rinna/Hamlin garage and that Kim would dig them out herself with only a plastic spork and then sell those secrets to the highest bidder, along with signed headshots of herself from the early seventies.

3. Lisa, reacting to the threats gleefully stated by the vicious shell of a person who sat across from her, slammed a wine glass on the table and then lunged for Kim’s wiry neck – fully intending to break her into three ragged pieces – while the other ladies jumped to their feet in shock and Kyle booked from the restaurant as though she heard a gun only dogs can hear fire in the distance that indicated that Chanel toothbrushes were going on sale one block over.

4. Last season Brandi worked harder than she ever has outside of a bedroom when she systematically tried to get every single Housewife, husband-of-a-Housewife, caterer of a Housewife, stylist of a Housewife, and gonorrhea-specialist to a Housewife to despise Lisa V., a woman who was all but her emotional sponsor for two years. She provided flimsy accusations and minimal proof to insecure people who probably resent Lisa’s unrelenting and casual ability to be spectacular and then she smiled happily and silently glugged down wine as the people Brandi had so easily manipulated tried to tear Lisa limb from limb.

5. Just in case she hadn’t successfully assassinated Lisa’s character, Brandi also touted how she paid less than twenty bucks to research her former friend’s former address and then publicized via social media that Lisa once lived in the valley (gasp!) and has been bankrupt, charges Lisa vehemently denied. There has been no further proof, so it looks like Brandi made up those allegations too.

So yeah – I think it makes all kinds of sense that any woman in Amsterdam named Lisa wants to be absolutely certain that she is welcome on this shopping expedition, though I wouldn’t so much as walk out the door of that hotel with those women without an armed guard or a vial of pepper spray that will also knock an attacker’s teeth out, which incidentally is another recent threat Brandi made, though that threat was to Kyle so I didn’t care all that much.

9 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/10/15

  1. Oh, Nell!
    You are now my personal god! How I will miss these blogs once RHOBH has concluded its madness. You will be responsible for me losing my job, however, as I sit behind my office door ROARING OUT LOUD at practically every sentence you write. Brilliant. Just brilliant!
    Thank you for brightening my day.

  2. I love this recap! I was all kinds of appalled during this whole episode. I didn’t understand Lisa R’s capitulation at first either but now I see it as a form of Stockholm syndrome.

    What would I say to Kim during the nice game? “You are the most tenacious person I’ve ever known. You’re no quitter!”

  3. @ mamet656 Thank YOU for brightening MY day! And
    @ jojobe, I like your “compliment” to Kim — hilarious!

  4. Another entertaining recap! Better than watching this train wreck of a show. I have wanted to find something redeeming in Brandi, surely it must just be drama for the sake of the show. She can’t be that much of an a-hole. I’m starting to have my doubts. Mostly because I find myself loving Lisa V., how can you not??? She seems so nice, classy, with a wicked sense of humor.

  5. @justforfun If Brandi is NOT really that big of an assh*le, she is still willing to pretend to be to stay relevant, and that’s gross too. And I agree with your Lisa V. love — she’s earned our appreciation!

  6. Just my opinion here but Brandi has committed so many unforgivable breaches of etiquette, decorum and grammar that is incomprehensible to me that she is allowed to stay. My question is…why are Kim and Brandi allowed to be “housewives” on this show? Neither are married, and they play their resentment seemingly on the ones that are. So, it’s no surprise to me they became friends.

    Kyle is married with responsibilities her family and husband than to be nursemaid to her sister. I don’t see Kathy in that role, so why is Kyle expected to be? It reminds me of the horror movie: “What ever happened to Baby Jane?” About an aging and angry child star who longs for her glory days, caring for her sister and the nightmare that could be someday.

    I must say, I was resentful at Kyle for being Brandi’s manipulated little chew toy against Lisa V last season. So, a little comeuppance goes a long way. I’m glad Lisa and Kyle are friends again. Lisa being a lot more cautious and who could blame her? I’m still mad at Yolanda, with Mohammed being one of Lisa’s best friends. There was no excuse for her behavior.

    From what I’ve seen, Brandi is still the most judgmental and hypocritical, always looking for ways to sink the others to her level. The fact that her husband found solace elsewhere says more about Brandi than another woman “homewrecker.” Why was her then husband going around telling women he wasn’t married?” Men don’t do that if they’re happy. Why didn’t she do more to keep him? And how dare she call Eileen a homewrecker! It’s none of her business, and a different set of circumstances, but Kim got a good laugh when the gossip is directed somewhere else, only a joke? Really?

    Remember the season Brandi was purposely flirting with Lisa V’s husband, Ken? Just to annoy her! If the tables were turned, how would Brandi handle someone flirting with her own husband, given her history? It raises the question… would she or wouldn’t she have an affair with another’s husband ( I can’t think of any that would go for her…) maybe just to show that she could?

  7. @loquacious39 I agree with many of your opinions. There are a lot of “Housewives” who aren’t married though. That’s never been my issue. My issue is that these women are gaining “fame” for propagating the very worst qualities a human being can have. It’s horrible…but it gives me a lot to write about!!


  8. @loquacious39- interesting comments. This is the first season I’ve watched, so I’m not aware of any of the back stories with the cast. There does seem to be some bad blood from previous seasons.

  9. @nkalter You certainly deserve all the kudos your recaps garner each week for this show. Finally, someone whose comments match my thoughts. One of my 3 fave reality shows, you do have plenty of material!

    If we could choose, who would we pick to replace Brandy and Kim? I’m going to think more on that. I do like the additions of Eileen and Lisa R. Lisa V. Will always be my favorite. I never really liked Lisa R until now.
    I agree about the “fame” comment. It’s completely abhorrent to me that society at large is becoming more accepting of feral beast behaviors, the blurring of gender lines, and political correctness run amok while so many remain oblivious to the culture wars, and state of the economy….

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