Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/10/15

You know what’s so amazing about going on a vacation? No, I’m not talking about getting that perfect tan or seeing those magical places you have only read about in books or even having one of those nights that don’t end until the dawn when you drink cocktails you can barely pronounce and then dance under a velvet sky filled with stars that look like diamonds when you stare up at them drunkenly. Sure – all of that is nice, but what’s really great about a vacation is when you get to sit around a table on a boat that you can’t get off until it winds its way through a canal and the biggest assh*le in the vicinity suggests that everybody goes around and says something kind about a group of people who have more conflicts than the Middle East and then the evening ends with one person slapping you across the face.

Where’s my passport?!

We’ll get to the worst boat ride any group of people have ever taken in all of history – and that includes both the Titanic and that cruise ship where they ran out of food and families of five subsisted on one green apple for a week while feces ran in rivers through the solarium – in just a moment, but that event takes place at night and first we all need to trudge through the glorious daylight hours of a vacation with the Housewives.

It’s a sunshiny new day in the magical land of Amsterdam, a place where the flowers bloom spectacularly and some of the American women who visit refuse to gnaw on even a crumb of a space cake because they have children back in the States and getting a little bit high is way worse than slapping someone across the face in a restaurant – or at least that’s what Brandi heard once at a sample sale.

First to appear this episode are Brandi and Kim, and I can’t help but view such an image as a horrific bit of foreboding that now has me pausing the action on my television screen so I can wave around a small bundle of burning sage and quickly build a coffee table made entirely from protective rose quartz crystals while I say a blessing over my uterus that I never produce anything that becomes as big of a nightmare as Kim Richards.

Speaking of the insane Kim, she lets Brandi know that she has not been sleeping soundly, which is also a subtle way for her to make sure that we viewers know that she has not been gulping down sleeping pills or anything else that was initially prescribed for someone who has a terminal disease. But then the Lisas join the two women in the lobby, and they let their sleep-deprived travel buddies know that just a teensy bite of that space cake in the café helped them to sleep soundly for many uninterrupted hours of pure unconscious bliss.

Suck it, Kim and Brandi.

Kim and Brandi have a plan to go shopping that day, an activity that appeals to both of the Lisas too since nothing could be more wonderful than getting to do something you have never ever done before in your entire life while you’re on vacation. But proving that she’s kind of sane,
Lisa R. does inquire about whether or not Brandi and Kim might prefer to go shopping just the two of them and Brandi responds by looking stunned and asking “why?”

I’d like to take a moment to answer Brandi’s question.

Brandi, I think that the reason a shopping expedition between this particular foursome might not strike any conscious mammal as ideal stems from one or all of the following reasons:

1. It was just last night when you stood shrieking in the middle of the street about the hypocrisy these women cloak themselves in while you prefer to wear your own version of the truth like it’s a sheer, edible G-string.

2. It was only two nights ago when Kim taunted Lisa R. across a dinner table that was crowded with everything except food and brazenly asserted that there were dark and tragic secrets buried under the Rinna/Hamlin garage and that Kim would dig them out herself with only a plastic spork and then sell those secrets to the highest bidder, along with signed headshots of herself from the early seventies.

3. Lisa, reacting to the threats gleefully stated by the vicious shell of a person who sat across from her, slammed a wine glass on the table and then lunged for Kim’s wiry neck – fully intending to break her into three ragged pieces – while the other ladies jumped to their feet in shock and Kyle booked from the restaurant as though she heard a gun only dogs can hear fire in the distance that indicated that Chanel toothbrushes were going on sale one block over.

4. Last season Brandi worked harder than she ever has outside of a bedroom when she systematically tried to get every single Housewife, husband-of-a-Housewife, caterer of a Housewife, stylist of a Housewife, and gonorrhea-specialist to a Housewife to despise Lisa V., a woman who was all but her emotional sponsor for two years. She provided flimsy accusations and minimal proof to insecure people who probably resent Lisa’s unrelenting and casual ability to be spectacular and then she smiled happily and silently glugged down wine as the people Brandi had so easily manipulated tried to tear Lisa limb from limb.

5. Just in case she hadn’t successfully assassinated Lisa’s character, Brandi also touted how she paid less than twenty bucks to research her former friend’s former address and then publicized via social media that Lisa once lived in the valley (gasp!) and has been bankrupt, charges Lisa vehemently denied. There has been no further proof, so it looks like Brandi made up those allegations too.

So yeah – I think it makes all kinds of sense that any woman in Amsterdam named Lisa wants to be absolutely certain that she is welcome on this shopping expedition, though I wouldn’t so much as walk out the door of that hotel with those women without an armed guard or a vial of pepper spray that will also knock an attacker’s teeth out, which incidentally is another recent threat Brandi made, though that threat was to Kyle so I didn’t care all that much.