Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/17/15

March 18th, 2015 | 4 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

I feel very strongly that it is imperative to consistently vary one’s vocabulary – even when speaking about human beings who exhibit the total intelligence of one lone amoeba – and in that spirit, I boldly proclaim that I will no longer call Brandi Glanville “an asshole” anymore because I have said it far too often and I am concerned that it has lost its impact. Instead, I shall refer to this bus-and-train-wreck version of an adult as “an inflamed sphincter,” and I want to take a moment to apologize to all of the sphincters out there for the terrible association.

This episode begins with Yolanda, Eileen, the Lisas, Kyle’s artificial hair, Kim’s alleged sobriety, and Brandi’s sphincter still vacationing in the stunning land of Amsterdam, a country that should sue half of these Housewives, Bravo, NBC Universal, and Brandi’s forefather’s sperm for so tarnishing the sanctity of the place. But as it’s a new day, new apologies are in order and what better place to do it than in a souvenir shop while wearing clogs?

Hoisting a lovely bouquet of flowers over her shoulder, Brandi’s plan is to apologize to Lisa V. for smacking her across the face the night before. Yes, as they both attest, the smack was done in jest, but it was also done by an absurd woman who all but begged Lisa to be her friend again after attempting to both personally and professionally destroy her and then she chose to nurture that cracked friendship with p*ssy jokes and face slaps.

Before she approaches Lisa, Brandi tells her best friend Kim – a beacon of morality and the most articulate woman on the planet, as long as you’re looking at that planet on the day after the Armageddon and Kim was the only one who managed to survive – that she slapped Lisa and now Lisa “hates my guts.” Kim’s response is almost nonverbal and I’m going to respectfully request that from this point forward that she only communicate in sign language or through interpretive dance, but I think I might have managed to piece her tremulous response together. I’m pretty sure she said some version of “Lisa will get over it,” because when you’re part of a duo that can only relate to others through the most heightened of emotions – be it an unadulterated hatred or a baffling affection – it’s really everybody else’s job to catch up to your questionable behavior and forgive you for your sh*ttiness that is poorly disguised as an unfiltered and total lack of inhibition.

“I was joking. I took it too far – as she’s done with me many a time,” says The Sphincter. (I’m capitalizing it as to be respectful.) And that response, dear reader, is why nobody who is conscious should ever forgive Brandi Glanville for anything. Even after slapping Lisa, screaming at Kyle in the street, and fighting with Eileen over dinner, Brandi cannot just accept culpability and simply apologize without projecting or deflecting, and she is not nearly interesting enough for me to care about how damaged she is anymore.

As she approaches Lisa to hand her the flowers, Lisa won’t even reach out a hand to accept them.

“I’m really not happy,” says Lisa in almost a monotone because this idiot does not deserve to hear that wonderful lilting inflection in her voice and she certainly doesn’t deserve to hear an “I forgive you.”

“What else can I do?” asks the grown woman who will never change.

“You can stop doing things like that,” replies Lisa, exasperated beyond belief. “You can’t do things and keep f*cking apologizing.”

“Okay,” shrugs Brandi, once again morphing into a tween with an attitude in front of our very eyes in a transformation so swift it’s as though she’s Wonder Woman spinning in circles to turn from a shy young woman into an Amazonian Princess who has powers and an invisible jet. The only difference is that Brandi has no powers and, if she ever becomes a Princess, there’s no doubt that the monarchy will crumble.

4 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/17/15

  1. Wonderful recap! Thank you again. Poor Kyle will never find closure because the facts are not what Kim is reacting to. Her reality is built of resentment designed to deny remorse. Kyle can’t fix it because she has no part in it to begin with.

  2. As always, great recap! 🙂 Do you think the producers will keep Kim and Brandi around since they create the most ridiculous, delusional drama of anyone on the show? Or have they gone too far this time? I want to fast forward through their scenes but then I’m missing most of the show!

  3. @jojobe and @bonniek Thank you! My guess is that Kim will absolutely be back next year — all of that happiness she talks about in her opening tagline requires a paycheck and she is trained to do nothing else besides cry to a camera — but I’m not sure about Brandi. If it is HER choice, my guess is that she will definitely stay. She requires attention to live now. But she’s become divisive in a way that is not so fun anymore and she has taken public shots at the wrong people. They could get rid of her — and my guess is that she’ll then end up on a VH1 or E! reality show called something idiotic like “Unfiltered.”

  4. Best recap! Really exasperated by Brandi and Kim, I sincerely hope they cut them loose. Lets trade in Brandi for Camille. I would like to see her again, post Kelsey. Put Kim on Ice floe for someone new or get Adrienne back if she promises to be in a better mood, and brings Paul back with her. Yes!

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