Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/31/15

April 1st, 2015 | 6 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

If there is one thing getting me through this three-part Reunion it is the hope that at some point Brandi Glanville’s face will pop when she either smirks too hard or says the word “mother*cker” with too much enthusiasm. See, I kind of have no doubt that the popping will eventually occur – have you seen her? – and I have an inkling that, when it happens, thousands of those pesky alien thetans, the spiritual manifestations of former ravaged souls that Scientology swears are inside us all, will explode from her cheeks, forehead, and lips and they will run fleeing from the crazy lady they have been shoved inside of for far too long. And if those thetans have the capacity for sight, I’d like to recommend that they run directly towards Lisa Vanderpump, because if you have to be locked inside of someone, she is your very best bet. She will dress the thetans in satin onesies and they can romp around her palatial grounds with Giggy and then settle in for the night on sheets with a higher thread count than even Xenu slumbered upon.

Yes, before making my peace with the fact that I am unable to turn away from women – most of whom should know better, as should I – as they hash and rehash the same arguments they have been engaged in for months (and years), I rewarded my brain by watching Going Clear, a remarkable documentary about Scientology.

How can people behave this way? I thought to myself many times throughout the film as I watched former members of the religion discuss how they ran from prison camps and were then stalked on the outside by those still enmeshed in Scientology. But then I thought about the many Housewives this delightful franchise has born and I realized just how common questionable behavior is in a world ruled by attaining power and attention at any cost. And really? While many of Scientology’s tenets strike me as beyond bizarre, they are nowhere near as bizarre as Kim Richards, who shows up to the Reunion sober and wearing a dress that is in the shade of Peeps Pink – though such a comparison sounds cruel because a rabbit-shaped marshmallow definitely has more self-awareness than Kim.

Reunion recaps are the toughest recaps to write; there’s very little that comes out that’s new. Instead, it is an overlong event the women arrive at dressed in gowns like they’re actually going somewhere good but all they will do while decked out in lace and sequins and sheer overlays of chiffon is sit on a couch beside people who hate them. They will be asked question after question about events that have already transpired – events that they have already fought about exhaustively – and we will watch them as they watch clips of the very worst of their behavior and the whole thing could read as something rather meta, but it’s too hard to think analytically over all the screaming.

They’re odd things, these Reunions. They involve people who understand that ongoing and ever-raging conflicts are their best bet at remaining on television and I really think that some of these women would keel over and die if they were not followed by cameras. They have collectively become far too accustomed to consuming generic adoration instead of carbohydrates and most of them cannot afford to lose any more weight.

Imagine what it would be like, a Bravo executive might have murmured excitedly to a coworker while drunk at a company happy hour, if we force seven women to sit on a couch in a studio for hours at a time and we bring up traumatic events continually so that they will burst into tears, begin to shriek, or go bounding off the set while we follow the tantrum with a camera. Imagine how easy it will be to get viewers who don’t know these women to form detached alliances with them! Imagine what grown women will do to stay relevant after they get used to being recognized at Starbucks! Imagine how quickly their egos will inflate, even though they have absolutely no talent and are famous simply for being famous! And imagine how insane it could really be if we could get a former child star who is trapped inside the body of a pitiful excuse for a mammal on the show!

I hope that executive got a raise – or got fired. It’s all so very confusing.

6 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/31/15

  1. An excellent recap!!! I think if the women band together and refuse to film with Kim and Boozdi, Andy will finally have no choice but to kick both of them to the curb!!!

  2. Brandi is tv gold!!! Her one-liners are shocking, but at the same time funny. It’s as if she’s created this atmosphere of having to be constantly on the defensive with people angry at her, because of the chaos she created by having no sensor – nor caring to use one. Sadly mirroring the tale of many women, who feel the need to “stand up for herself” than giving the perception of weak and subservient. Only that women who are not quick to react, maintain composure, and stay calm, truly pervale as the strong ones in the end. (Think Yolanda) Because it takes strength to hold back when one is being unfairly attacked, judged, or misunderstood. These strong women create an atmosphere of respect and trust around them.

    In the end, I do feel for Brandi and what she feels is group animosity towards her being “real”. Instead of getting defensive, it would do her 100xxx% better to agree to disagree, and keep her self-respect in tact and head continued to be held high. She doesn’t have to try and prove her point, cause that will just lead to nowhere, and conversations in the gutter. She has the power to control 90% of the thoughts in her head.

  3. I don’t feel sorry for Kyle in anyway, as she seems like the controlling type. When she’s not being outright aggressive with her sister, then there are times when she acts completely passive aggressive with her, spinning things her way. It’s no wonder Kim feels happier and liberated absent from her presence. Kim is right about therapy. Kyle has deep-seated issues she seems to carry from their childhood and past, which she still hasn’t come to terms with and seems to carry into adulthood. It will affect their relationship until they die! Of course Kim is no innocent angel when it came to the past, but Kyle has obviously been deeply emotionally affected by it all. I think the only thing that will help them to even communicate at all, even “honestly”, is to have a therapist work through Kyle’s deep-seated issues against her sister. Some of Kyle’s angry outbursts at her (for eg. at her gay party) were way over the top, and simmering over into a big mess.

  4. @lexie My guess is that Brandi is going nowhere, but I would LOVE to be wrong because, while she is the cause of all conflicts, I have just about nothing left to say about her and you and I cannot possibly be the only ones to feel this way!

    @jokolean I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I kind of can’t stand Kyle and her overblown, showy antics and passive-aggressive manipulations. But Brandi and Kim have managed to do the impossible with their horrific behavior and inability to be accountable for anything: they have made me feel sympathy for Kyle, and they should be destroyed for causing such a reaction!!

  5. I was reading another blogger’s RHOBH recap and the blogger was going on about how funny Brandi is and and I thought to myself, “Self, why don’t you go and read Nell Kalter’s recap and you won’t fell like punching Brandi AND the recaper!” Thanks Nell Kalter I can breath evenly again!

    PS You aren’t alone, just saying.

  6. @susieduck01 I read a blog that called Kim Richards “the only sane one.” I almost threw my computer through a wall.

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