It’s difficult to select the single most idiotic statement ever uttered by often intentionally undernourished women who seek fame and fortune by being recorded by a small camera crew, but I have a few favorites:
“I’m gonna be on Broadway!” – said by NeNe Leakes, the Atlanta Housewife who has literally choked a woman on camera, about getting an actual role in a Broadway show. Continue to dream big, violence-prone strippers!
“Did a ghostwriter write your book?” – posed to Carole Radziwill, a legitimate writer, by Aviva Drescher, the former New York City Housewife who was let go after her final Hail Mary to stay relevant (removing her artificial leg and flinging it across a restaurant during a party that was held for no good reason) went awry.
“My husband is so hot!” – uttered by the currently-incarcerated Theresa Giudice about her revolting husband, a man whose body mirrors the shape of a beer truck. His awful physique is that assh*le’s finest quality, narrowly inching out his ability to help send his wife to prison for the duo’s flagrant acts against silly things like legalities.
“I need my love tank filled.” – breathed by Vicki, the fire-exhaling-cleavage-baring shrew on the Orange County Housewives, a woman who has been on this show since its inception despite coming off to anyone with a pulse as out-of-her-f*cking-mind crazy, which is a very particular strand of crazy that can be purchased off the rack at the gift shop at Bravo headquarters.
As a whole, the Housewives say ridiculous things all the time and I cannot see that pattern shifting. After all, they inhabit a world where they are rewarded for speaking in sound bytes – the more controversial, succinct, and with the highest probability that what they say can be turned into an insta-hashtag the better. And this week, both Kim and Kyle Richards jump into the mucky fray with senseless sentences of their very own, though both come off as far more sad than shocking.
Kyle’s foolish words come during a moment in which she is quite calm and explaining directly to the camera a very important lesson her mother – who sounds more and more emotionally-warped each time one of her adult needy daughters sings her praises – taught the family: “My mom always taught us not to air our dirty laundry in public.”
Okay.
Which is a better idea: laughing at Kyle’s hypocrisy, judging her for it, or embroidering that eloquent life lesson onto the kind of pillow that won’t cause face wrinkles and then handing them out during the THREE-PART Reunion to a bunch of women who earn a living by airing their dirty laundry in public?
I’m going with the pillow idea and I’ll even personalize them so they become extra special. Kyle’s pillow will have a little mirror sewn onto it so she can gaze upon her shiny curtain of hair, which I think probably serves to calm her down and makes her feel youthful. Kim’s pillow will have a small turtle sewn onto it, and just so you know, he is not high; he is just tired and he only took one small pain pill so shut your mouth and I hate your face. Speaking of despised faces, Eileen’s pillow will have the phone number of her agent embroidered onto it so she can call him in the dead of night and ask him what the f*ck he was thinking when he convinced her to go on this show with alcohol-tossing women who were unfortunately born with absolutely no self-awareness but blessed with very fine aim.
I went to the effort to create an account solely for the purpose of telling you, Nell, that you write the best recaps I’ve read anywhere. Please keep it up and recap RHONY too?
@jsalt thank you so much!! I hope to recap the NY Housewives. I’ll find out soon if that will be happening in this site.
🙂