Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/7/15

But the question posed to Eileen wasn’t really about her motivations for appearing on this trainwreck; it was about steering the out-of-control locomotive that has leaky toilets back towards Brandi, the leakiest of cesspools in all the land. It’s literally become hard for me to look at Brandi. Her face – I’d call it “her expression,” but there kind of is none since her face has been almost cryogenically frozen – resembles a violent psychopath who just sucked on a rotting lemon after killing an entire family with a single stiletto because one of the people in the family sort of looked like that guy in 8th grade who wasn’t allowed to hang out with Brandi because his parents thought she was trash. And as anybody is asked a question about her ridiculous actions, Brandi’s eyes flit about and her lips purse even further and I would be concerned if I thought she was human and not the physical manifestation of all of our nightmares held together by cherry-flavored lube.

When it’s brought up that maybe one of the reasons Brandi might not care for Eileen is because Eileen and her husband were each married to other people when they fell in love and that upsets Brandi because she is the Commissioner of Married Women Who Have Been Jilted, Eileen says something borderline ridiculous about how she had to sit her kid down and explain things to him because Brandi made their past public. Eileen, I like you, but calling out Brandi for announcing to the masses that a million years ago you and your husband broke up your own marriages to be together is silly. Now, I can see why you didn’t choose to sit your young son down in a corner at Chuck E Cheese one year during his birthday party to quickly announce the Family Secret before bringing out the cake, but you have to know that nothing stays buried on a reality show and the only people even allowed to pretend that they do are the kids who were on the first season of The Real World. Everybody else knows better, and that includes you. But Eileen does score some points when she tells Brandi that she gets along with her husband’s ex-wife and, for the sake of her own children, maybe it’s time for Brandi to make peace with LeAnn Rimes, the woman who kind of made her famous in the first place – which, of course, means that LeAnn Rimes has to be punished. I’d suggest that the punishment take the form of either starvation or forcing her to marry a douchebag, but those things have already occurred so I’m instead going to advocate for clobbering her over the head with a bat.

But will Brandi take such a suggestion from a home-wrecker like Eileen of all people? Stop being silly! Instead, she will maintain that Eileen knows nothing about her relationship with her ex-husband’s wife, which is both hilarious and a terribly-formed argument because Brandi has made it the world’s knowledge that she thinks LeAnn Rimes is a total c*nt. Has nobody yet broken the news to Brandi that Twitter is not a private journal? Can somebody else please tell her? Because I’m afraid that she’ll smack me across the face with a bagel and then tell me that everybody hates me and I will respond by ripping her vocal cords out of her neck and how will I be able to recap these shows if I’m in prison?

Kim has a great insight about this entire scenario and she says it thusly: “That’s why it’s best to stay out of other people’s business if you don’t know.” Whenever Kim speaks in full sentences it confuses me, but I think she was referring to the fact that Brandi has tried to be nice to LeAnn Rimes by only calling her a c*nt sometimes, but all I can really concentrate on is the idiocy of the statement made by a woman on a reality show to a group of women on a reality show. Kim, you brain-fried moron, when you go on a reality show, you get into other people’s business. That’s what happens. And then, by virtue of being on such a show, recappers like me also go snorkeling through your business, though there’s nary a pretty shell to find and the starfish are all missing at least one leg, or whatever it is you call the points on a starfish. That’s the deal with reality shows, and to make any other argument is to try to spin bullsh*t.

Scarier than Kim trying to make sense is the look of smug approval Kyle throws out into the universe as Eileen fights with Brandi. The look is eerie and I’m already getting the idea of creating a line of Cabbage Patch Kids who remarkably resemble all of the Housewives, and so help me – if someone buys me the Kyle one, I will bury it underneath the home of the person who gave it to me and that doll will haunt that person forever.

It will also steal your goddamn house.

Like a perfectly-contoured soldier who is ever marching forward and tasked with dragging these women with him, Andy Cohen would like some resolution to the Eileen/Brandi conflict. Has Eileen forgiven Brandi for throwing wine into her face for no reason other than the fact that Brandi is perpetually drunk and idiotically stupid and almost pathologically incorrect when it comes to basic decorum?

No – and it’s because Eileen is a bitch.

“If you could fire one Housewife, who would it be?” Andy randomly asks Brandi.

“Eileen, because she brought nothing to the table,” snipes Brandi, though had the question been asked while Brandi was brawling with Kyle, I believe she would have said Kyle’s name.

It’s so hard to think through all of those fillers, you guys.

“What do you bring to the table?” asks Eileen.

“Conflict,” answers Brandi – and it’s gross because it’s true.

Appealing to what’s left of my belief in humanity, Lisa Vanderpump jumps in to say what the normal people are thinking to Brandi, who finds it crazy that Eileen holds it against her for throwing wine at her and insulting her home and declaring her a destroyer of marriages: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You do something and you apologize and it’s supposed to go away. Life doesn’t work like that.”

But see, Brandi doesn’t work like that – and by that, I mean like a normal person with emotions balanced out by logic – and so she retaliates and says that the only reason Kyle is friends with Lisa again is because Lisa must be selling her house and everybody knows that Kyle and her husband cozy up to people for a commission. Now, what’s kind of funny here is that Lisa does not deny that she’s selling her house and I’m sure that Brandi knows that she is. On the evenings when she’s not asking eligible young men to strangle her to get them to c*m, I’m relatively certain that she is online all night long, trolling for reasons to call other people hypocrites. And personally, I don’t get the relationship between Kyle and Lisa because I love Lisa and I find Kyle – at best – to be passive-aggressive and showy and overly emotional, but I hope that Kyle and Lisa get married just to annoy Brandi.

I’ll be the flower girl, and looking at what some of these women are wearing, I’ll choose my own dress. And as a wedding gift, I will buy them a cutting board in the shape of Brandi’s face.

And now it’s time for Brandi to fight with someone else! Who’s up to battle the lunatic next? How about Lisa Rinna!

The fight is on when Brandi screams that Lisa has had the same hairstyle for twenty years – a joke Andy Cohen has clearly made before based on his giggly reaction. But it’s not her frosted hair that so offends Brandi about Lisa; it is the fact that Lisa publicly stated that she based some character she is playing somewhere who is a “trashy mom” on Brandi and it’s here where Brandi fights the least logical fight she’s launched so far tonight.

Brandi doesn’t like that comment because it impacts her children, and listening to her say such a thing means that I’m going to need to either burst into uncontrollable laughter or throw my laptop out a plate glass window. Please talk amongst yourselves while I decide which course of action I shall take.