Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/7/15

Okay, I’m back. I decided to just laugh (and punch a wall), though I fear that if this Reunion somehow grows into four parts that I might become a cutter just to relieve myself from some of this pain. That Brandi can even try to dip her toe into the excuse that something someone else does or says impacts her children when she has happily branded herself as a drunk woman who is fond of conflict and is very, um, free with her labia is ridiculous. But she does get a decent comment in when she tells Lisa to go change her Depends because they’re full of sh*t. Lisa responds that Brandi should go get her tampon campaign, and Brandi nods sagely and says that she is going after that and I’m already bracing myself for the day she becomes the new face of super-plus tampons, though I’m already in need of therapy since hearing the news that she actually has a line of alcohol that’s about to be thrust onto an unsuspecting planet. And then, fed up with Lisa, Brandi tries with all her might to screw her face into an expression that might indicate disgust and all the plastic surgeons of the world immediately gather into a prayer circle to apologize and acknowledge that they have finally gone too far.

At some point during their meaningless back and forth – mixed into the comments about sh*t-filled adult diapers and trashy mothers – Lisa Rinna stands up to accuse Brandi of having double standards and she accompanies her accusation with a dance – it’s nothing spectacular, just some hip thrusts – but what’s odd is that everyone at this point, including me, just kind of shrugs that someone got up to randomly break into a dance.

That’s where we are at this point. And it’s terrifying.

I think it’s sweet that Andy Cohen only poses incredibly specific questions to Kim so she shouldn’t be confused when he asks her if watching her best friend’s behavior on national television changed her opinion of Brandi, and I’m sure we all breathed a collective sigh of relief to find out that Kim and Brandi are as close as two co-dependent sociopaths can possibly be. And as for Brandi’s horrific behavior, well, that’s just because Brandi is Brandi.

Okay, we need to officially make Brandi is Brandi a game because this might be one game I could actually win and I never won a single game of Monopoly in my life and that has f*cked with my self-esteem. But I propose that the Brandi is Brandi game basically involves replacing the second “Brandi” from the title with a preferably derogatory word. I’m not sure how points will be allotted, but we can figure that out after I calculate manufacturing costs and decide if it’s meaner to call someone “a walking embodiment of dogsh*t with a diarrhea consistency” or “the ugliest, droopiest testicle on the sweatiest day.”

Regardless, Brandi is both.

After a few more minutes of people telling Brandi that she is awful (I think it was Eileen this time), we get a light and fanciful montage showing the Housewives trying to keep their children’s Chanel-clad feet planted firmly on the ground. We watch the kids get on private planes go on shopping sprees and ask what jewelry will be theirs when their mother dies. Oh, silliness! Oh, comedy!

It’s been relatively smooth sailing so far this Reunion, and I was just about to put the Dramamine away when up the rear comes the issue between Lisa Rinna and Kim that I am already completely over because I don’t care who Kim is fighting with; unless she’s fighting with the lady in the mirror, Kim will always be the loser in a fight. She cannot formulate or articulate an argument. She responds to insults with expressions like “Same to you!” She told a grown woman that she hates her face. She will never win.

And win she didn’t, because it basically comes out that she never had any story against Lisa’s husband, that she just claimed that she did and she felt proud when a natural reaction like shock and fear is what passed across the attacked woman’s face when it was strongly implied that her husband was cheating on her. No matter how secure you feel in your relationship, having someone say such a thing to you will get a reaction, and Kim is so proud that her lie did just that. Even though she has literally no response to the entire group – including Lisa – begging Kim to “Just say it! What did he do?” she remains very proud of herself, actually chortling, “I hit a nerve!” You hit a nerve? Um, congratulations? I ate a salad. Where’s my excuse to act like an unhinged lunatic for pay?

But wait! It’s been five whole minutes since Brandi has spotted any hypocrisy and she sees it now with how Lisa Rinna got away with tossing a wine glass at Kim’s head and she has been castigated for throwing just a little bit of wine into Eileen’s cornea.

“It’s the same thing,” Lisa says dismissively.

“It’s not the same thing. It’s called assault and battery, bitch,” sneers Brandi, and my very favorite thing occurs next: Lisa Rinna just very casually shrugs and says, “I never touched her.”

Lisa Rinna clearly knows the variables that make up assault and battery, and as I appreciate a woman who does her own research and development, I wanted to applaud her. My ovation is cut off quickly though when Kyle brings up that – speaking of assault and battery – Brandi has threatened to knock her teeth out. Brandi tries to calm Kyle down by screaming that she hasn’t done it yet and, to keep things as calm as possible, Brandi finishes by saying, “Wait till I do it.”

Kim is then asked if she feels she owes Eileen an apology for calling her a beast but Kim can’t seem to answer the question until Andy Cohen all but dons finger puppets and tries to make the question make more sense. (He actually says, “Do you feel you owe Eileen an apology for the words that you said to her that night in Amsterdam?”) Kim is finally able to respond with the word “yes,” and then she turns to Eileen and apologizes and Eileen looks absolutely terrified to be so close to Kim and she just says “thank you” and hopes that somebody wakes her up soon from this nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, at one point Kyle, Brandi, Kim, and Lisa Rinna were all screaming over one another. I have no idea what anybody said – I’m just assuming that Brandi was quoting Hemingway – but I do know that the noise eventually ended with both Kim and Lisa saying “f*ck you” to one another so I guess there’s that.

It all ends this time with Kyle and Kim and the rift between them, though the root of their newest issue still hasn’t been explored and now I guess we know why there’s a part three to this nonsense. What we know at this point is that Kyle is done and the weariness is seeping through her pores. She is tired – of Kim not realizing or acknowledging that her own behavior is destroying her, of Kim saying that Kyle should have defended her deplorable actions, that Kim actually chanted the words “Everyone will know” at Lisa Rinna during that Amsterdam dinner table that I keep forgetting to turn into my ringtone.

Kyle is over it.

But being over your sister does not mean that you are over being an aunt to her kids, and Kyle bursts into immediate and violent tears at the thought that Kim will disinvite her from her niece’s upcoming wedding and that Kim will take her children – who she loves like she loves her own children – away from her and then she completely loses it and she screams, “You’re so f*cking mean! Leave me alone!” and then it all ends with Kyle bawling her eyes out and Brandi smirking, which really just means it’s a Tuesday.

I was hoping to hear the top secret story Kim alleges to have on Kyle’s daughter that made getting bit by Kim’s pit bull – whose lack of proper training was an actual storyline last year – her own fault, but I guess that’s what will make next week special.

But next week is already special because it is the final episode of a show that has made me question humanity and believe that evil takes a human and blonde form. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be nearing the end of this journey. I feel like we have all crawled across an arid desert while trying to outrun plagues.

We should really discuss it over soup.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.