Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 12/1/15

December 2nd, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

And now it’s time to be forced into Kyle’s store, a place I think probably smells like roses decaying in a funeral home mixed with a Designer Imposter’s version of Chanel No. 5. A newish member of the We’re Full-On Rich! Club, Kyle tries on sunglasses that cost more than your car while answering her phone with a husky greeting. It’s Lisa Vanderpump on the other end because these two are totally friends now that Brandi is dead to both of them and it’s maybe the one thing (besides the people she insists on employing on Vanderpump Rules) I hold against her. It’s not that I’m positive that she’s a terrible person, but I’m just sort of completely positive that Kyle is a genuinely sh*tty person. I view her as a woman who has a lot of hair and absolutely no substance. I think the real Kyle, whoever she happens to be, is cloaked, buried underneath brand logos she wears like armor, and that she spends most of her time projecting whatever it is she thinks you want to see. I’m clearly not her target demographic because I don’t want to see her do anything. Still, I’m a girl who can change my mind and maybe I’ll start to like Kyle this season. Maybe I’ll also give up some rather impressive plans I’ve put into motion to exact some personal revenge or finally master how to bake brownies that aren’t half-raw. What I’m saying is that anything is possible if you dream big.

At Villa Blanca, Lisa and Kyle compare sunglasses and rhapsodize about how much they missed one another when they weren’t friends. Then they bandy about questions that focus on just what it is that’s wrong with Yolanda. She’s been diagnosed with a neurological Lyme disease and she maintains that she has very little brain function and that she hasn’t driven a car in two years. She’s exposed herself to all kinds of odd procedures to rid herself of this illness, and maybe we all have been poisoned by Brooks’ actions over in Orange County (he’s the guy who probably lied about having cancer), but I think viewers now see signs of an illness on television and aren’t so ready to buy what they see as immediately factual anymore. I think that such a thing means that we are living in a very sad time, and I’m not just saying that because the guy I just got off the phone with told me Pulp Fiction was only okay and that he liked Kill Bill better. I am, however, reevaluating that relationship.

And then we finally see Yolanda and she is not doing well. She says the Lyme disease has ravaged her body and she’s so weak that she has moved into a small condo so there’s less of a house she must maintain. I’d love to think that her now-estranged husband might have taken up the slack for his weary wife and gathered his own lemons every once in a while, but the guy never struck me as the helpful type. Lying pale against a white couch, Yolanda FaceTimes with her daughter Gigi, a bonafide supermodel who dates guys who recently left boy bands. Yolanda has been trying everything possible to cure herself and she is grateful for the support she’s getting from friends, one of whom is probably not Lisa Vanderpump.

Still annoyed by the way Yolanda treated her husband last season – to say nothing of aligning herself with Brandi – Lisa wants to let go of any resentment she feels for Yolanda because the woman is not well and Lisa is a decent person and doesn’t everyone want to watch decent people on television? Obviously not if they work at Warner Brothers, because that company just offered Kyle a deal to created scripted programming based on her real life. Um, if I wanted to feel like I was in a room with Kim Richards, I’d check into a rehab clinic or lock myself in a hotel bathroom and if I wanted to be in a room with Kyle, well, then I’d check myself into a mental ward for intense evaluation. I can only hope this series never gets out of development hell and that Kyle’s new sunglasses break immediately. As for how her family has responded to her good news, they are not happy for her and that’s weird because I’d totally expect Paris Hilton’s mother to be the sweetest and most supportive person on the planet.

And Kim? She might not actually appear in monster form on tonight’s episode, but her shaky presence is felt everywhere. We see her visage when a screenshot of an article that announced her arrest for public intoxication slides across the screen while Kyle talks about how she felt such a sense of disbelief about what went down, making Kyle the only person in all of the land to be surprised by the news. At the time this episode was filmed, Kim was ensconced in yet another rehab center where she was very busy blaming everyone else for her addictions during her daily group therapy sessions, but I’m not sure if that was before or after she was let out of treatment briefly to attend her daughter’s destination wedding and then went missing in Mexico as is wont to happen.

Back at Yolanda’s house (I’m sorry, condo), she is not so concerned about the fact that she is ill. No, instead she is worried about how David, her dear husband, needs to work on his big Disney project because he is a man and men need to work and I guess that level of feminine fawning only holds a man close for a little while before he decides the time might be right for him to file for Divorce #4. Watching Yolanda talk about David now feels like we’re all watching a countdown and he’s suddenly interesting to me in a way he never was before because now I just want to watch the guy implode instead of sing songs constructed entirely out of saccharin. Still, I feel badly for Yolanda. She appears terribly depressed and she states that she feels like she is not participating in her life or in the lives of her kids. She looks broken – and it’s a very upsetting thing to see.

In a lighter emotional space is Lisa Vanderpump. She’s heading off to Dodger Stadium to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in honor of the LGBT community. Such a public gesture is nothing but lovely, yet all I can focus on is the fact that her dog is there. He is in the stadium and he is on the field and how did such a thing transpire? I mean, I used to try to pass Wookie off as a very hairy child who barked because she had yet to master language at Yankee games all the time and it never worked, so why does Giggy get to attend games? I will write a scathing letter to the MLB later tonight condemning those who are guilty, but for now I’ll simply say that Lisa strips down to a bra and jeans before tossing on her pink baseball shirt and cap and she pops out onto the field to throw the ball. She does well enough and she looks fantastic and I hope all the fillers that Brandi has stuffed into her face have not impeded her ability to see because I’d love to know that she is watching her former friend be adored in a stadium while she’s the star of a podcast that’s listened to by approximately sixteen people.

Over in the life of the other Lisa, she is taking her daughters shopping. She’s trying to be very cognizant of the fact that her kids could get incredibly f*cked up due to their proximity to fame and fortune so she is trying to temper what could be by making her kids work for things that they want. To that end, her oldest daughter is working at a deli to make money to buy a car and I have just decided that I’d love some turkey on wheat bread with a little bit of mustard. Might Delilah’s deli deliver?

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