Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – 12/8/15

December 9th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Don’t you just hate it when your wretched alcoholic sister tells your vapid narcissistic sister that you shouldn’t be permitted to attend your own niece’s wedding because, as the relatively normal one in the family, you have consistently tried to do the right thing by providing tough love to a woman who has been a f*cking calamity for decades and that sort of honesty is seen as far too unseemly for a family that prides itself on fame brought about by inherited money and bl*wjobs caught on camera? Yeah, me too.

I have always failed to see the appeal of Kyle Richards and I’ve made my opinion about her crystal clear. While I don’t believe she is inherently evil or terribly stupid or actually out to cause massive amounts of harm, I still don’t like her. Could I perhaps work to be more tolerant of her throaty giggle and her look-at-me machinations? Of course I could, but tolerance takes energy and I’d rather exert that energy by buying boots. What I’m saying is that I have no immediate plans to overhaul my mentality in an effort to be kinder to Kyle unless I believe the situation genuinely calls for it, and when it’s revealed that she has been banished from a family wedding, well, that’s the sort of scenario I can take umbrage with and throw my tepid support behind the only sane daughter who ever burst forth from her mother’s loins.

I did arrive at a place where I began to feel badly for Kyle, but before such a thing could shockingly transpire – before I was able to fashion an I Heart Kyle pin out of an earring, some Elmer’s Glue and a small doily in an effort to show my steadfast solidarity – I first found it entirely appropriate to consider whether or not I should tear off my own skin as a result of listening to her rhapsodize about how a member of her clan is marrying into a banking dynasty. That’s right – Nicky Hilton is marrying a banking scion so fantastically wealthy that the nuptials will be taking place at Kensington Palace, though I’m sure Nicky loves the guy purely for the person he is on the inside and not because she’s wanted to be a princess since the day she watched her big sister try on edible tiaras at Trashy Lingerie. Now, I don’t care where Nicky Hilton gets married. Whether her wedding takes place at a castle or at Chuck E Cheese, my only concern is that there be plenty of antibacterial gel on the premises because Lord only knows what you might catch from Paris Hilton over at the antipasto station. What bugs me here is Kyle’s verbal delivery about the wedding’s location and the way the words drip from her lips in a tone so smug that I instantly Googled, “Can you give yourself an aneurysm by rolling your eyes too quickly when a Richards Sister all but compares her family to an aristocracy?” (Turns out you can’t.)

They might not yet be an I-own-Scotland! kind of wealthy, but Mauricio and Kyle are still preparing to embark on a luxurious family vacation in Europe. They will cruise the seas and stare at their reflections in the crisp blue waters and there’s not a chance in hell (or in purgatory) that Mauricio will not straddle the front of the boat at least once while he bellows that he is King of the World because Mauricio is nothing if not an overgrown fraternity kid who has become legitimately successful but still refuses to take off the rope necklace he got when he was on Spring Break in Cancun after a foam party.

The vacation they are taking is one intended just for the family, but Lisa and Ken will be joining them in Tuscany so over at Chateau Vanderpump, Lisa is packing for the trip. She begins by holding up what I think might once have been my former Pound Puppy that has been magically transformed into a coat. The garment she presents for Ken’s approval is pink and fluffy – like a cloud might be if you’ve just taken a hit of acid – and if anyone else were holding that thing up, I would make so much fun of the person and the coat and probably their family too just for good measure. Because the thing is, the coat is absolutely absurd. Still, I think Lisa Vanderpump can actually get away with wearing that furry coat and if she walked into a 7-Eleven draped in the thing, I’d put down the Combos I was buying and applaud.

As she teaches her coat how to fetch, Lisa tells Ken that Kyle wants to borrow a dress to wear to Nicky’s wedding and I can’t help but feel rather stunned by this news. Wouldn’t you expect Kyle to roll into Chanel and plunk down the credit card that she colored black with a Sharpie just so she could casually say to the groom’s mother while they stand near the table that holds both the wedding cake and a framed copy of the pre-nup that she’s wearing couture? In any event, Ken doesn’t think that Kyle can fit into any of his wife’s clothing. Besides, Kyle won’t like any of Lisa’s gowns because Kyle only wears muumuus! Lisa is quick to clarify (you know, since they’ve decided to be friends this season) that Kyle doesn’t wear muumuus, but she does wear things that are, um, rather diaphanous and I think it’s really sweet that she leaves out that all of Kyle’s shmatas are the color of jewels that you’ll find at your local Claire’s.

Before we move on, can we just take a moment to appreciate Ken? I mean, really – the guy’s arms are stuffed with puppies and he smiles at every clothing item his wife presents for his appraisal and you can see that he truly believes that the sun rises and sets each day simply because Lisa exists on the planet. Has there ever been a more adoring husband in Housewife Land? And just because the guy’s competition includes both bombastic and boorish Joes from New Jersey, pathetically perverted Peter from Atlanta, and dead Russell from Beverly Hills, we should all still applaud the man’s clear adoration for his wife.

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