Back on dry land, Lisa Vanderpump invites all of her friends over to meet the newest members of her family. Lisa Rinna is the first to arrive, followed soon by Kyle who tromps across the moat in stilettos. Lisa Vanderpump inquires as to whether or not Kyle has spoken to her sister recently and reveals that Kim trashed her online by saying something about how Lisa is such a phony. But Kyle just says no, she has not spoken to Kim. Then she wonders (TO A CAMERA) why everybody keeps bringing up something that she doesn’t want to talk about and once again, that little trait of self-awareness that Kyle is completely lacking is really coming into play. Kyle? The reason people keep bringing up Kim is because you both starred on a reality show where, despite your protestations that you both guard your privacy in a chamber of secrets, you aired a ton of your sh*t to the world in exchange for a paycheck and an appearance on Diving With the Stars. Remember, Kyle? Remember how Kim liked to pretend her sobriety was real and how you announced to the world that she was an alcoholic in the back of a limo? Any of this ringing a bell? So listen, sweetheart, there is no keeping quiet now because you have already leased your soul to the devil in exchange for a Chanel fanny-pack and we all know it. And then, right before we cut to commercial break, we are blessed with a Christmas miracle. We get to see the scene where Kim dies in Sharknado 3, the most defining film of our time. I kept pressing rewind. I watched that f*cker four times.
As they wait for Eileen to show up, Lisa Rinna has a confession. She was on Instagram and she saw pictures of Yolanda vacationing in Vancouver and now she’s really confused. See, in the pictures it appears that Yolanda is feeling healthy but the last time Lisa saw her, Yolanda greeted her in a bathrobe from her bed after the health advocate answered the door and then did a quick show and tell routine of more medication than you’d see in a lab at Merck. The three women then debate why Yolanda feels the need to post every single aspect of her health struggle on Instagram – including sh*t that involves hyperbolic chambers and needles stuck into her arm. They want to know what she’s trying to get out of all of this incessant sharing. After explaining that she’s approached often by people who want to know what’s really going on with Yolanda and whether or not her illness is real, Lisa says that she just wants to share something. Then she picks up her phone and reads aloud the definition of Munchhausen Syndrome, a psychological condition where people use fake illnesses to draw attention to themselves. The looks on all of their faces as Lisa reads the characteristics of this issue is one of dawning understanding – and anxiety that someone just said something negative about an allegedly sick woman. That’s when Eileen shows up. She can immediately tell that the mood in the room is a little odd and Lisa Rinna comes right out with it and tells her that she feels guilty for even questioning Yolanda or gossiping with others about the issue. But I think more than guilt, Lisa feels real fear in this scene. Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump didn’t jump up and scream, “Maybe she is faking it!” and Lisa Rinna probably feels scared as hell that she’s about to catch some real sh*t for saying anything at all. And when they finally head outside to see the horses, Kyle tells Lisa not to worry about what she said, but then she tells us with a barely veiled smile that she doesn’t want to be around when Yolanda hears about it. Who else wants to place bets that Kyle’s gonna be the one to tell Yolanda everything?
Next week, Lisa Vanderpump meets Erika for the first time and compares her to the Barbie she used to play with before she entered puberty. She also asks Erika her how her 76-year-old husband is in the sack. Eileen mentions to Yolanda that people have been questioning the veracity of her illness, and Yolanda sits her children down and has the conversation no child wants to have about what they need to do just in case she dies.
Sh*t’s getting dark, my friends – and still nothing has actually happened.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.