Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 12/15/15

There’s really nothing better than jetting off to Europe on a wonderfully glamorous family excursion. There’s so much togetherness when you’re all cramped together on a luxurious yacht! Plus, once you dock, you get to steep yourself in genuine world history just by walking the same old streets the people who lived before us once wandered down. I think if our ancestors could come back today, they would be very excited by the Yelp app and positively flabbergasted by what constitutes entertainment at this moment in history. Let’s put it this way: just trying to imagine my sweet and departed grandmother’s face as she stumbles across the rapist with the steel dildo on American Horror Story (or a Kardashian in any of their incarnations) gives me a gigantic headache and, while I miss her, I think it’s probably a good thing that she’s long gone. I don’t think she would appreciate the Real Housewives franchise either, but Kyle Richards could care less that my Nana wouldn’t like her. Kyle, you see, simply does not have the time to contemplate ancient history or why my granny would look at her and slowly shake her head for allowing a camera crew to film her children in the kitchen or accepting Faye Resnick into her life in general. No, Kyle is spending her sun-washed European days shopping for caftans so that when she arrives back in Beverly Hills and someone who is just trying to be nice tells her that she just loves her baggy colorful top in shades of emerald and amethyst, Kyle can flip back her long hair and laugh her raspy giggle before murmuring that she bought the garment in Europe. That’s what’s really important.

Making fun of a woman so showy and desperate for attention is quite easy, but the sympathy I recently started to feel for Kyle remains. The woman comes from maybe the most f*cked up family around – and I’m including the Manson Family in that little comparison. Not only is Kim Richards Kyle’s sister (and nobody sucks more than Kim Richards, who has blamed Kyle for giving her alcoholism just like she blamed her for giving her chicken pox when they were nine), but Kathy Hilton is Kyle’s other sister and she might be even worse. Kathy Hilton is the reason Paris Hilton exists, making her Patient Zero in the epidemic that brought about making people famous for a whole lot of nothing and trucker hats. And what kind of person only invites half of her sister’s family to a wedding? According to some press reports, part of the reason for the family division traces back to Mauricio starting his own agency after resigning from the company Kathy’s husband owned. Was loyalty compromised there? Probably. Mixing family and business is tough, but banishing people from your life is a pretty bold decision to make and it’s probably not the very best decision. All that said, I don’t really care about any of this but I guess that Kyle and Lisa need something to talk about as they flip through racks of overpriced clothing while wearing hats with brims the size of the rings around Saturn and Kyle’s sucky family works just fine as the conversation topic du jour.

Far away from the crystal blue waters of the Riviera or wherever it is that Kylie and her family are currently shopping, Lisa Rinna takes her two daughters for manicures and pedicures. While I’m still not completely sure which of her daughters is which, I really appreciate the fact that one of them is clearly trying to help me out with the deciphering process by dying her hair an unnatural shade of blonde. I think the blonde one might be Amelia but I’m just not sure. However, I finally fully believe that there are actually two daughters instead of one who keeps making quick costume changes and stands in front of mirrors so there’s two of her and yes, I realize that much of my fear about such a situation stems directly from having recently seen the German horror film Goodnight, Mommy and I’m a little bit frightened now of people who look exactly like. Anyway, Lisa tells her daughters that she is accompanying Lisa Vanderpump to Ohio to pick up a mini horse for Ken’s birthday. Lisa is excited to take such a silly adventure with her friend and her daughters coo over the pictures of that wee animal in a way that makes me think that they’re probably decent people because only decent people ooh and ahh over baby horses. But before the animal-related cooing can really commence, first Lisa must negotiate curfews with her eldest child and once again I find Lisa Rinna’s honesty about parenting really refreshing. Sure, it’s comforting to think that children will always listen to their parents’ rules like it’s the gospel, but it’s far more likely that the reality will involve some back-and-forth dialogue between the parent and the child. Negotiation is commonplace in her household, Lisa tells us, and I think that’s a practice that’s pretty universal. If her lips weren’t so humongous and her arms weren’t so gorgeously sculpted, I would say that Lisa Rinna is in fact the most relatable woman on the show.

Eileen is probably the most real person on the show, but I’m not so positive that a ton of people view her life as aspirational. She certainly doesn’t have a bad life. She’s carved out a career for herself that she’s managed to continue for decades and she has a husband who seems to support her and she has cute children. Unfortunately, she lives in a house that, despite the mini makeover she gave it a few weeks ago, still looks very much like a gothic mansion that would appear in the bloodiest Dario Argento movie. She also has a young son who doesn’t completely listen to her. There is nothing abnormal about any of this and she seems as though she’s very active and involved mother, but I can’t say that her life strikes me as a whole lot of fun and I guess that’s why am drawn more to Lisa Vanderpump who hops onto private helicopters after packing up her Louis Vuitton luggage and does it all while managing not to look like a total assh*le as she flies off to Monte Carlo on a whim.