Back in LA, all of the ladies get into a Hummer limo (because, of course) and they ogle Eileen’s ass in what might be a denim jumpsuit. As they head down to Erika’s show, Lisa Rinna tells the group that she Googled the club and they’ll be there on Pervert Night. “I’m a pervert,” chirps Kyle, and hearing that woman say that line has definitely just made my vagina go cold and no kind of tights is going to solve this problem.
But it’s Lisa Rinna whose nether regions might fall out from pure shock. Kyle and Lisa tell her that Yolanda said that Lisa said that Lisa Vanderpump was talking sh*t about her. (I feel all of a sudden like I’m writing a very bad sentence for a Sweet Valley High book.) Lisa Rinna is stunned; she claims to have never said a word about any of that and even though she was so nervous in front of Yolanda that she might have let something unintentional dribble out the corner of her mouth, I believe her. I think it was Erika who told Yolanda half a story and now everyone is trapped in a Hummer with Eileen’s ugly purse and all kinds of suspicions and they’re ready to fight about something that never actually happened.
Point: Yolanda.
Losers? Us.
At the hotel, Eileen visits Lisa Rinna’s room where the two attempt to solve a puzzle: who told Yolanda about what Lisa Vanderpump never really said? It wasn’t either of them – that much they can suss out. It doesn’t take a good amount of sleuthing to realize that it has to be Erika who’s the fink and they will confront her later that night, maybe even while she’s patting her puss.
On the way to the club, Kathryn reveals she’s deaf in one ear and Lisa Rinna proclaims that the truth will always prevail and she appears to have had a glass (or six) of wine. She is ready to rumble with the star of the night so she can get down to the truth of the matter immediately because, as I’ve said before, I think Lisa Rinna would rather fake her own death than have to answer pointed questions at a reunion ever again and she will resolve this conflict before that f*cking day ever comes, so help her.
But the confrontation can wait, because it’s also Perfect Ass night at the club and the women gawk at the men in chaps and leather collars while backstage, Erika and her crew gather in a circle to pray to God that he turn up the sex in her performance and that moment was so awesomely hilarious that I might watch it on repeat for seven hours straight and call in sick to work tomorrow.
Then she arrives onstage. So who is Erika Jayne? Well, we already knew she was both class and ass dipped in cash, but she’s very versatile. She’s a temptress, too! Her hair is longer and blonder than it’s ever been and her every move is accompanied by a wind machine and when she raises her hand, glitter explodes from the sky. I’m gonna BE her for Halloween.
Erika’s performance is so generically inspiring that her presence causes Lisa Rinna to feel herself up and Kyle Richards to say that her show wasn’t disappointing, which is the highest praise she pays anyone who didn’t star in Tuff Turf. Still, they are all complimentary to Erika and they get on the bus with her and the mood is festive. Or the mood was festive until Kathryn predictably makes it known that she doesn’t like the “c*nty” necklace, which is kind of a comment only a c*nt would make. The word bothers Kyle too, but Erika is trying to explain that she has reclaimed the word and it means things like “sexy” and “fabulous” and “rich enough to own your own goddamn plane.” Eileen, who I’m thinking might have a sweet crush on Ms. Erika Jayne, busts in to tell them all to relax and “c*nty” is just a word and I think Eileen might become Erika Jayne’s first real groupie. I’m excited for both of them!
At the after party – which is women holding grudges sipping cocktails in a hotel room – Lisa Rinna starts the confrontation. Was it Erika who told Yolanda things about both Lisas? Erika shakes her head no. She’s not about to admit to being a common snitch while she’s wearing $500,000 of Swarovski crystals on her thong! She just had an incredible show and she’s not going to be brought down and everybody starts yelling right about then and I wonder if this is exactly what happens when the East Street Band gets together after a show.
The evening ends without incident, but Lisa Rinna knows what’s up here. “Erika’s a p*ssy,” she states to us. She knows that Erika’s the one who said the thing about Lisa Vanderpump and I think Lisa Rinna had herself a moment of pure in clarity in San Diego as she gazed out of her hotel room window at the lights below. She rested her inebriated head against the glass and she thought long and hard about the c*nty woman in the penthouse above her and she thought to herself, f*ck it – guess I’m going all in at the reunion.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.