You know how there are certain words people just hate? The ones that always make me want to tear my ears off and then fling them across a crowded room so I’ll never see them again are “moist” and “panties.” Combine the two and I’ll never eat solid food again. I don’t know why it is that those words make me cringe, but the reaction is real and it’s probably somehow related to the way they grossly they roll off the tongue and the visuals that I connect them to in my head. At any rate, there are scores of other words that make me smile. “Poodle” is my favorite word of all time and I have no answers for how that came to be. What I do know is that none of us should ever use the words “c*nt” and “scary” in front of Kathryn, our newest Housewife, a woman who likes to engage in battles over linguistics in an effort to make her guests feel as uncomfortable in her home as is humanly possible.
We begin this week still in San Diego. Erika Jayne and her liberating gyrations on Pervert Night are just a thing of memory now. Over at Kathryn’s San Diego house, a chef is preparing lunch for a group of people who – at best – tolerate one another for payment and – at worst – do not trust one another in the slightest. Think about the conflicts that are a ‘brewing along with the coffee the chef is currently slaving over:
Kyle doesn’t like that Kathryn thinks Faye is a c*nt – even though Kathryn would never ever use that word and Faye is totally a c*nt.
Kyle doesn’t appreciate that Lisa Vanderpump did not decree that Kathryn should be shot after uttering negative words about Faye at their joint birthday party where everybody had to show up in costume just so they would all have something to talk about.
Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t appreciate that Yolanda tossed her kids’ medical records into her lap at a restaurant like she’s some basic bullsh*t OC Housewife since we all know those ladies are a nickel a f*cking dozen and Ms. Vanderpump should be anointed like she’s f*cking royalty.
Yolanda – who is not even in San Diego – is horrified that anyone had the nerve to use the word “Munchausen” when speaking about her.
Lisa Rinna is furious that Erika, after coming down with explosive diarrhea of the mouth, told Yolanda something that Lisa Vanderpump never actually said about her kids and then allowed Yolanda to allude that it was Lisa Rinna who opened up her huge mouth about it when she did not.
(Eileen is too busy having an inner dialogue with her hidden whore to worry about any of this. She wants that slutty lady she’s tucked deep inside to come out and play because she’s now so inspired by the ass and class rolling off Ms. Erika Jayne that she wants to follow suit. Wait – is “inspired” the right word?)
And Kyle. Kyle would really appreciate it if nobody ever worked up the nerve to talk about her sister even though 1) they all know her sister 2) they were all on a reality show – this one! – with her sister and her sister’s only storyline besides moving again and again involved her faulty claims of sobriety 3) her sister is a public figure by her own doing 4) her sister tried her damnedest to ruin the lives of several of the current Housewives for no reason at all besides hoping desperately that she would be effectively deflecting attention away from her mangled self. Oh, and Kyle – knowing full well that her story on this show is about having a contentious sibling relationship or two – signed yet another contract because she’d shrivel up and die if cameras didn’t follow her down the street.
With all of that sunny optimism bubbling beneath the surface, let’s have brunch!
Kathryn’s house is lovely and spacious and Kathryn declares that the place has great energy. There’s even some marble from Jerusalem that you can stick a prayer note into! (Dear God, please don’t let Brandi Glanville appear back on my television until the fillers she’s pumped into her face settle. Also, can you take the mind of a guy I know and shove it into the body of this other guy I know? You can totally take credit for thus creating the perfect man as long as I get to keep him. Amen.)
The rest of the women jump on the tour bus that’s parked incongruously outside their hotel and make their way over to Kathryn’s house. Erika is in a black jumpsuit and her hair is in a high bun on top of her head and I think she might have contemplated asking her husband to send over their plane so it could land on the roof of their hotel so she could get the f*ck away from people who now suspect that she is the Yolanda Snitch, but she decided to be tough and to wait to ask for that favor until after she’s committed murder and needs to go on the lam in style.