We begin at Kimmy’s new house, which we don’t get much of a look at but it’s supposedly closer to BH. It looks like an older version of The Glands’ house, actually – sort of late 60s/early 70s and due for some updates. But at least it’s not the Bear’s craphouse so there’s that. Kimmy is welcoming her hair stylist to get Kimberly Jr. ready for prom. Kimberly Jr. is wearing a leopard robe, and Kimmy is fluttering around in her brown tie-dye one-shoulder caftan trying to make her daughter put on some spiritual beads and getting all sniffly and emo. It seems Kimmy’s own prom at the school for child stars was less than memorable. I really think most people’s proms are less than memorable, or memorable for all the wrong reasons, if we’re going to be honest about it. Prom is like the junior version of New Year’s Eve. Anyway, Kimberly Jr. gets stuffed into a too-tight, too-short one-shoulder black cocktail dress and is picked up by her 20-year-old boyfriend in a black tux, black shirt, white tie, and white vest. EVERYTHING is wrong with this. What self-respecting 20-year-old goes to a high school prom? Dressed like a pimp? Cringe. Kimmy has been fussing about arranging cupcakes and lemonade and awkwardly tossing a salad of chicken and walnuts and apples with her man hands, and you’d think a whole herd of promgoers was coming over, but no it’s just Kimberly Jr. and Captain Cheese, and they aren’t hungry. Off they go. Sniff sniff.
Over at Yo’s, she’s in a red yoga suit welcoming her British caterer/butler, Richard, who is wearing a severe dark suit with a pale pink tie. The Fosters are having another dinner party, but rather than their usual big-name guests like Streisand, Babyface, and Kenny G., they will be having “Lisa’s friends”, and apparently some not-friends of Lisa. They go on for a while about the menu and Yo blathers some more about her incredibly “romantic, 12,000 square foot house”, just in case we missed those details the first time. Jeeves has got a plan, and it involves puff pastry and a bottle of wine from 1945 that is sure to be corked and vinegar. Please don’t invite me to this.
At the Umansky’s, we’re experiencing more adolescence as Cottontail is practicing for her third or fourth effort at passing her driver’s test. Cottontail and Kyle hop into the Porsche to attempt parallel parking, which would be going better if Cottontail would release the emergency brake. That’s where all that smoke is coming from! Kyle, whose caftan of the day is a yellow/black/white graphic print, shares a story about the time she stole someone’s convertible Ferrari and abandoned it while in motion down Rodeo Drive because a bee breezed in. Some stranger had to climb into the moving vehicle and bring it to a stop. Public endangerment – it’s just so funny!
Speaking cars and Kyle, Lisa drives on over in her white Bentley with the pink “B” hubcaps. Matchy matchy! Lisa’s in a pink bejeweled brocade blouse and Kyle is in grey sweats, which is reminding me why we used to be friends. (These days I am not so sure.) Over a cuppa, Kyle shares that while Lisa did not want a dinner arranged with Adrienne, Adrienne does. What to do? “Why would she want to be around me?” Lisa asks. They purse their shiny nude lips and sip the Lipton.
Back at Yo’s big fabulous amazing house, she’s arranging flowers. Yo just loves flowers, and housewifery of all varieties. She should have been Martha Stewart’s daughter who, from what I hear, is a bit of a difficult person. She’s out in the garden collecting rose petals and the fruit of 50 lemon trees. Yo just doesn’t know what to do with all those lemons. As my dear friend Brian told me when our landscaper brought me a back of 80+ lemons, when life gives you lemons, make limoncello! So off I went six months pregnant with my three-year-old in tow to buy my first ever bottle of Everclear and start distilling spirits. I just don’t think Yo is fun enough for limoncello. Yo’s decided that even with all 12,000 feet of this house in which to appreciate the views and the glory, they are going to entertain in the kitchen and the family room because that’s where they “live”. She’s also going to arrange the seating by height because someone from Bravo explained to her that they have to set the table awkwardly to accommodate good camera shots. It’s going to be a great party.
The Oof-Ifs arrive to pick up Kimmy – they are the non-friends coming to spend time with Lisa’s friends, even though they haven’t even met Yo yet. It’s all so normal and natural when you are a Real Housewife. The Oof-Ifs are feeling some trepidation about seeing Lisa, and so is Kimmy which doesn’t make any sense to me. I didn’t recall them really having a problem, aside from Kim’s generalized social anxiety? Dr. Paul, for his part, is fuming, still. He’s mad about the Maloof Hoof comment, he’s mad about Lisa calling the dog Jackpot “Crackpot”, and he’s mad that they made a joke about dumping their unwanted crap over the Oof-If fence when they moved out. Damn these people are humorless.
Back at Yo’s, David Foster’s musical guests – “most famous trumpeter in the world Chris Botti” and an American Idol I have never heard of, have arrived. Yo is telling them (again) about how she “drew every inch of this house” and shares the personally hurtful moments she experienced when contractors failed to show up on time. Self-aggrandizing AND over-sensitive, an excellent combination. Tay arrives with the Umanskys and I do not like the cocker spaniel hair she’s sporting this season. She’s laughing way too hard and struggling to stay upright in her hooker heels and silver Shake Shack pants. I think she is already drunk, and if not we know will be soon. They are greeted by the butler, who it turns out is also Camille’s butler, AND has been Moh’s butler, too! My son is planning to have a butler one day, and I don’t think he’s planning to share the butler with anyone else. Sort of defeats the point, methinks. Anyhoo, Yo greets them and escorts them through the kitchen, where they marvel at her glass custom-made refrigerator and the veritable cornucopiae arranged by color and theme inside. It’s gorgeous, but who eats all that? There is a reasonable level of fiber, and then there’s too much!