We’re back at the curiously empty Mulholland Grill, where Lisa is entering for her much-overhyped tete-a-tete with Adrienne. “You look beautiful,” coos Adrienne. Thank you, Lisa replies. (Ummmm….and?) Lisa thanks her for the flowers; Adrienne comments that they were meant to be a beautiful arrangement, “not the whole shop”. And not festooned on a giant whale turd, either. “How are you?” asks Adrienne. “You look beautiful,” she repeats. This girl clearly has picked the angle. “I need one of those,” says Lisa, pointing to Adrienne’s wine glass. So do I.
Adrienne talks and Lisa listens. “Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings… what I heard hurt mine… reacted… stupid… should have come to you first… should not waste time… we’ve both said hurtful things… um…” ohmiword, either get to it, Oofy, or if you don’t intend to apologize don’t head to the end of the diving board and stall because the rest of us are waiting, wet and shivering. And then IT happens: “I owe you an apology. I am very sorry.” She did it! Yay Oof!
Lisa responds not by saying “thank you”, or “I appreciate that”, or anything gracious, but by telling Adrienne how really horrible and violating it all was and that she had to leave town afterward. Girl, you is sensitive! But then, at least, she accepts the apology. Adrienne thinks maybe Madame Pump should have apologized, too, but that would never have happened so no use hoping for it. Thank God that’s over.
Off to Yo’s, where the girl is doing her OWN laundry! She’s so regular! Except she has four washing machines. Kim’s swung by for a sugar free vanilla latte, a scone, and a chance to read the NY Times and use the wi-fi. Yo’s son, Anwar, emerges from one of the thousands of spare feet to show his mom his new buzz cut and remind us that Yo is a momma. Kimmy thinks Yo is giving and kind, and is excited that she’s going to come on the trip Kim has planned for all the ‘Wives to go to Ojai – a spiritual, calming place where they are going to take over a private home that is part of a hotel and get real. It’s The Real World: OJAI! With the age limit lifted. Internationally-renowned songwriter David Foster, Yo’s husband, has to perform at a concert at the Kennedy Center, but after that he’s going to swing the private jet by to drop Yo off. It’s her first girls’ trip and she’s so excited!
Back to greater LA where The Glands is welcoming her gay literary agent over to talk about her upcoming memoir and swoon about her glands. It seems that The Glands kept a journal throughout the demolition of her marriage to Mr. LeAnn Rimes, and now she’s made it into a self-help book. It will walk readers through the inebriation, the recreational sex, the Lexapro popping, the crying, the tire slashing that ensued after US Magazine decided this D-list relationship was worth exploiting. The Glands is going to tell the story the way it really happened, but from the angle of not bashing: RELATING. Self-destruction is the part of divorce that no one really talks about. If a certain Twitteraholic has-been country star gets made to look bad in the process, oh well.
From the department of Normal, we’re going to visit the DMV now with Kyle and Cottontail. We’re here for Cottontail’s permit test and I can’t tell whether she’s getting her learner’s permit or her driver’s license – and the only reason I care is that I don’t want to do this again. Weren’t we already here in season 1 with Lisa and Katocedric? Kyle is such a normal mom, with a normal mom butt and normal hand-wringing over her daughter starting to drive. Cottontail gets her permit and takes the wheel of Mom’s Maserati – see! Normal!
It’s the day we’re all leaving for The Real World: OJAI, and before we go The Glands is at a photo shoot for Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine. See, Lisa writes a column for this publication, and talked The Glands into appearing as a great opportunity for her to make some much-needed cash. Of course, it’s also a great opportunity to get some attention for Beverly Hills Lifestyle with what may only be the first of a series of tie-ins to the Housewives franchise. Here comes Lisa in a purple blouse with matching purple aviators, checking on her charge and clucking everyone along so she and The Glands can get on with their trip – Kim didn’t invite The Glands herself, but Lisa asked if it was okay and Kim said yes! Can you believe it? In-between costume changes The Glands asks Lisa about the Wine Summit. “It was ok – short,” offers Lisa. The Glands tells us that Adrienne is selfish, self-serving, dishonest, and manipulative. Oooh! This is gonna go monkey-crazy, you better believe it!
Over at Kyle’s everyone else is showing up to hop in the chauffeured stretch Hummer, which I am going to go on record right now saying is the single cheesiest vehicle on the planet. Cheesier than a T-top Trans-Am. Cheez-Whizzy. Velveeta on wheels. There’s nothing like taking the car designed to compensate for a man’s penis envy and stretching it out superlong. I am surprised this thing isn’t upholstered in bearskin rugs and driven by a greasy dude in a pouch.
Anyway. Kyle’s wearing a navy stretch dress that she tells Kim (in caftan #7 of the season so far) is comfy like a t-shirt, and I really think Kyle needs to get a better mirror so she can see the caboose when she gets dressed. Tay’s swanning around in a caftan of her own and is just so proud of Kimmy for planning this whole outing because in the past no one really knew if Kim was going to even show up. I’ll give her that. And speaking of swinging members, all of a sudden Camille’s in the car, telling us how Frasier got a tattoo alongside his dingaling, which Adrienne suggests is intended to make his naughtybits look bigger by comparison! They all have a good laugh at that one. Camille says her new “Greek God” would have to have her entire multi-hyphenated multi-married name, with his 27-syllable Greek surname at the end, to achieve the same effect. Tee hee! Time for another of the gross menthol-cigarette vodka ads. Iced cake vodka? Can’t I just have the vodka? You can have the cake.
I really thought the house looked like the “Bachelor” house. Loved your recap!