Back at the photo shoot, The Glands is getting all self-deprecating as the crew and Madame Pump shower her with praise. She’s so purty! Oh, but see that wrinkle on her…. thumb? The Glands pouts that the only ones who like her are the “pretty ones” – Camille and Lisa – so they all can tut tut and there there and tell her everyone else is just jealous. Lisa is very nurturing and motherly to The Glands, she shares, although Lisa doesn’t like the suggestion she could be The Glands’ mother. “You deserve cellulite,” Lisa decrees, “so you can have something legitimate to worry about.” And – poof!
While Lisa and The Glands are wrapping things up and granting wishes for assfat, the Hummergirls are arriving at The Real World: Ojai. It’s a gorgeous Spanish colonial/Mediterranean villa type place with timbered beams, an expansive pool, and five bedrooms. Errrk! But we have seven ‘Wives! Seven ‘Wives for five bedrooms. Someone is going to have to share, and it looks like it’s going to have to be: Lisa and The Glands – ha! after she stole the master suite right out from Adrienne last season in Colorado! But that still leaves two more ‘Wives that have to cohabit so we’ll see how that turns out. I’d personally be just fine with at least a bed of my own. On a recent girls’ trip, my dear friend was going to have to bunk in for a night with another gal, so instead she called a third friend who works for the hotel chain and got herself her very own king suite registered as the hotel employee’s discounted domestic partner. See! Easy peasy.
The Glands and Lisa have changed attire and are on their way in a regular, not-penis-envymobile. Lisa’s wearing jeans and a fedora, which is meant to tell us all we’re off for a casual weekend. Lisa’s doesn’t really know what to expect, what with Adrienne present and Kim now “sort of sober”. The Glands is scared, and she ought to be. Lisa makes hoof jokes.
AirYo lands and arrives at the house also by non-penis-envy transport. “What a cute house!” she remarks as she rings the bell. She was expecting everyone to be in casual shorts and no makeup in this natural, mountainy environment. She was wrong, and will be underdressed for the remainder of this excursion. Lisa and The Glands arrive next and let themselves in. An awkward greeting between Kimmy and The Glands follows before Lisa and The Glands are escorted to their shared lodgings, what appears to be a separate guest cottage of sorts which would be just fine with me. And it’s fine with Lisa, too, which is why we are friends. The Glands tries to scare her by pulling out her bottoms-only ruffly sleep panties, which Lisa dismisses as a frilly mini diaper, and scares her worse with her own scuba suit. Gah!
With everyone settled they are off to dinner, and Kimmy announces their arrival to the hostess which seems absurd. Yo’s got her hair in another blonde pompadour. Kimmy toasts – with water – to the girls having a nice weekend together. “Let’s enjoy each other… put things behind… move forward… forgive…” Good luck with that. Kimmy is very happy and really feels life can’t get better. That’s sweet.
It might get better if she wasn’t stuck sitting across from The Glands, who is snarking about how Mr. and Mrs. LeAnn just renewed their vows at one year. Who does that? Desperate people, especially when you do it on a beach in a bikini where photographers conveniently lurk. The Glands then turns to Kimmy and very nicely tells her she’s had chances to get to know her older daughters, who were very protective of their mother against her “nemesis”, but are really wonderful girls and Kimmy should be proud. The Glands is growing on Kimmy, and me too. Why is Bravo running nothing but dance video game commercials tonight?
After this initial bonding, The Glands tries to explain herself to Kimmy rather than rehash her previous failed apologies. See, like she talked about with her literary agent, The Glands too has self-medicated through her pain and loneliness by drinking and taking Lexapro. Well, Kimmy skipped the Lexapro, but other than that they are the same, minus rehab. The Glands tells Kimmy she only spoke up because she’s been there – she wasn’t judging (really?) but she has no filter so it comes out wrong sometimes. Kimmy gets weepy from the empathy fumes. Suddenly, Adrienne shouts that “someone’s CRYING!” and the table comes to a standstill. “Shut the $%^& up!” retorts The Glands – speaking of no filter, now is one of those times. Kyle thinks she should have just told Adrienne off that it was a private conversation. That might have worked, but would have been less interesting. “My GOSH!” gasps a shocked Adrienne. Her virgin ears! Yo doesn’t understand why they can’t just discuss something like normal women. Buckle up, kittycats.
Next time: there’s a wet washcloth fight in the sauna, and Splits McRichards is moving on to handsprings! The Glands isn’t letting that go without a one-upper! I see London, I see France!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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I really thought the house looked like the “Bachelor” house. Loved your recap!