OK: let’s get back to the dinner party, shall we, where The Glands has just committed the apparently unforgivable faux pas of telling Adrienne to STFU. Adrienne cannot believe that another woman has spoken to her in such a way! Personally, I’d find it far more shocking if a man spoke to me in such a way, but Adrienne and I part ways on a lot of things so perhaps this is to be expected. Adrienne insists she just felt bad that Kim was crying and was trying to be compassionate. The Glands tells her that if that were the case she should ASK if Kim is okay and not cackle about the situation. It was a personal conversation and Adrienne should not have inserted herself into it. I agree.
The Glands and Kim go to the ladies’, and Lisa tries to defend The Glands. “She uses STFU like I use ‘bloody hell'”, she says, which lands flat as a pancake. Kyle gets all argumentative with her. This whole conversation is stupid – Adrienne was obnoxious to call attention to the minor drama at the end of the table (and, as it turns out, wreck a productive moment), but we’re all mad at The Glands for swearing. When I go on vacation with adults I generally try to take a vacation from parenting, and this is a classic example of petty dispute arbitration that should be sworn off. Lisa has had it and goes off to the ladies’, and Tay, always looking for a chance to get on camera, trots along with. Lisa tells The Glands to apologize – she don’t wanna, she not gonna – but she does it. Begrudgingly. Adrienne accepts. Begrudgingly. Not the last of this shittake, I am sure of it. BTW, I have those same earrings Adrienne is wearing. Mine are Stella & Dot and cost about $39. Hers probably cost $39,000 but they are no more attractive and don’t even go with that necklace.
Now that we’re all back at the table, The Glands takes a brief call which I assumed to be from her kid but it’s actually her “gay book agent”. She tells the table her good news about the book deal and smoke starts to pour from Oklahoma’s ears. She is literally clenching her teeth in fury. The Glands stiffly announces she thinks it’s unfortunate that they can’t be happy for each other; Kyle points out, correctly, that The Glands was the first one to jump on Tay for writing a memoir and isn’t The Glands now doing the exact same thing? The Glands thinks it’s different because it’s been three years, not three months. Tay dives into The Glands’ face and spits that she was saddled with massive debt and had this one chance to deal with it. Yo thinks they should all just let it go, and they probably should. Adrienne interrupts to announce that she, too, has a book deal! For what? No one seems to care, and it’s so very Assy. Let’s get the fork out of here.
Morning has broken, and there are deer on the golf course. Duck, Bambi! Yo and Kyle are in the kitchen comparing jewelry – their rings have the same setting, it seems. Camille remarks that she no longer wears her big fat Frasier jewelry, and Yo remarks that jewelry is “overrated”. Easy for you to say, Yo. So where is Camille in her new relationship with the Greek God? They are “exploring”. Yech. But I do like Camille’s apricot pullover – the color suits her. Off the energetic little bunnies – Camille, Yo, Adrienne, and Kyle – go on a hike of some sort. I don’t know what Kim’s doing but Tay must be hung over. Lisa and The Glands don’t want to get out of bed – Lisa slept poorly last night because The Glands snored “like a little piggy”. Lisa scolds The Glands for using the F word at Adrienne – it’s like a gift, she points out, giving the opposition something to jump all over, and she’s right about that. The Glands tells us that she is mad at the Oof-Ifs for asking her to go on Twitter and deny whatever she said about Adrienne which I can’t remember in the first place. She wouldn’t, therefore they are no longer friends. Meh.
After the hike, the ladies group up for a picnic. They are going to get to their picnic destination in a pair of luxury golf carts – Lisa lunges for the Bentley but Yo gets there first, so Ms. Pump is stuck behind the wheel of the Caddy. Such a step down. The two drivers get into an amusing golf-course-rage dustup and are lucky the course manager didn’t catch them shredding all over the greens. After all the dramatics accumulated and of the night before, Adrienne and Kim are on Lisa and The Glands’ cart of all arrangements. No one gets tossed, sadly enough. The group ends up at a badminton court, just like regular people, and no one knows how to play except Lisa, who is dressed for the occasion in a Little House white prairie dress and a pair of sneakers. Kyle, taking photos from the sidelines, snidely informs Lisa that she looks like a beekeeper. Who gets a Chanel iPhone cover? So ghetto. Kyle says nothing to Adrienne about the unfortunate fit of her maxidress. I’d rather be a beekeeper.
Our next activity is an outing to the spa, where the group sips smoothies plunge-poolside before getting into a de-toweling contest. They relocate to a sauna where they are to smear themselves with lemongrass mud and detoxify. My husband is concerned that Camille is getting it in her cookie. Kimmy gets weirdly groany and shuddery under the towel and Kyle is seeing too much of Lisa’s nipples. I am seeing too much of all of this. Yo, showing her fun side, hurls a wet washcloth HARD at The Glands’ head and it’s ON. First there are washcloths (um, ouch), then there’s ice water (nipples!). Fresh and relaxed from petting the kitties Kimmy and Camille sit this one out, and the frenzy carries on around them. “We sound like monkeys in a cage!” shouts Kyle. Today and every day. The lady in charge is nearly mown down by the pack of nude muddy rioters. Girls, please.