REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 12/3/12

Dinner tonight will be served on the patio, with a large helping of product placement from the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa, thank you. Everyone is talking over the sommelier as he attempts to impress them with the bottle of champs designed by Gaultier. Yo declines a glass as she is one month into four months on the wagon. Why? It seems she broke her back while birthing her son (who is the freshly-shorn 17-year-old Anwar met last week), and is now going through some bizarre European health ritual involving injections of lamb fetus to resolve the lingering aftereffects. Baa. Speaking of birthing, The Glands attempts to helpfully change the subject to how everyone got their babies out. Camille feels left out because she hired out for that service. Irritable bowel syndrome, you know.

Apres dinner there is more wine in the library, and The Glands serves up some Patron shots. “I look like a Hooters waitress, but I’m not,” she tells everyone. Well I knew that, because you forgot your suntan pantyhose. Tay does something weird and wormy with her lips and Yo decides that’s enough party for her and the lamb fetus and goes to bed so she can rise bright and early for an “Ojai day”. Kim goes too, because, well, you know. There’s an awkward goodbye when Kim tells everyone she loves them but takes it back with The Glands. But she likes her, so that’s a start, and The Glands will take it.

With the party poopers gone, the drunkettes decide to take the party upstairs and roll around on the bed together. The Glands and Tay get into an argument about whose butt is smaller, which naturally results in an arm wrestling contest on the floor. I am not sure who wins but I really like that carpet. Next, The Glands takes on Adrienne, who only knows how to cheat. Adrienne really needs to look at the back of her head when she gets ready because it’s always matted. Oh, and she’s hammered. The Glands wins and goes all contorty-shaky on the floor she’s so excited! And then she’s so excited that she performs a handstand before falling over onto the bed! Camille thinks that looks like fun so she performs one as well, and then Me-Too Drunky has to get in on it.

NOW: I have been very drunk before, which means Yo probably would not like me one bit. And I have engaged in plenty of circus-type behavior in such a circumstance. However, I have never sniffed underthings, and I certainly have never sniffed the thong of my erstwhile friend before putting it on myself. But Adrienne did it – oh yes, she did. Before then flipping upside down onto the bed and practically breaking her neck. Why is Adrienne sniffing and borrowing Tay’s thong in the first place? Did she pull a SoMo and forget her undies? Adrienne is either the drunkest monkey in this whole parade, and/or the rumors of an exotic recreational lifestyle have more than a shred of truth to them. The sniff-and-borrow is just abnormal, and so very, very wrong. I just think thongs are unhygenic. A thong borrowed from a friend…. shudder.

Thank God Lisa breaks this up by leaping in to do-si-do with Splits McGee, who naturally ups the handstands into handSPRINGS and practically vaults over the bed McKayla Maroney-style. 9.3! Lisa, too, does a handstand, proving she’s quite the energetic Silver Sneaker. Tay then ups them all by explosing her floss while flip-flopping ass over teakettle, and now we’ve all seen her butt – the last time I got mooned by a woman it was Wild-Eyed Crazy Mary, the neighborhood homeless person, who I inadvertently caught taking a leak between two parked cars. She spit at me. Now here comes Adrienne, but at least she had the decency to put on leggings before going inverted. The Glands cackles that Adrienne finally “took her weave out and did some work!” “He he he he he,” chortles Tay, piflicated. While I am still horrified about every appearance of or interaction with a thong in this segment, I do have to applaud The Glands for leading the ‘Wives off the cliff into the abyss of silly. A good time, and a good drunk, was had by all.

In the morning (this wasn’t the end? There’s more?) Kim and Kyle are visiting in the Kitchen. Everyone has had fun on this trip, but the sisters haven’t made any real emotional progress. Maybe they just aren’t friends. It happens. Yo comes on down and complains a bit about the noise from the night before. See, Yo would rather use her vacation time to rest up for her kidlets. No silly nonsense fun for her, other than whipping her friends with wet towels which is really a good time. Yo tells Kimmy and Kyle that in her opinion there is nothing worse than an out of control drunk woman. Kyle thinks Yo may need to find some new friends, and my husband and I agree.

The ladies pack up. I like Camille’s cherry pajamas. Lisa feels like she got “shagged through a hedge backwards”, and I don’t know what that describes, exactly, but I do know exactly what it feels like and am going to have to put that phrase to work. They load up the stretch penisenvymobile and head back to the BH9er, but not before another argument about STFUgate breaks out in the back seat. Oh come ON, girls! The Glands is going to have to have a sit down with Adrienne and put this to rest. Best of luck.

Next time: Mr. Lisa is having surgery, and we get to meet Camille’s bodacious bohunk. Lisa talks to Kim about her sobriety – are we gearing up for an intervention with Tay? Oh, and Dr. Paul calls The Glands a bitch and a POS. Because that’s so much less shocking than a woman telling a woman to STFU. With that I’ve gotta go wash my ears and eyes out with soap, and buy Tay some granny panties at Costco. Toodle-oo!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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