REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/21/13

And back to the Moroccan dinner fiasco where we’ve backed up five minutes to relieve Mauricio and The Glands’ fighting. Mauricio is busy telling The Glands how it is and what she ought to do based on his extensive experience being sued by acquaintances for sharing their dirty little secrets on cable television, when Kyle basically leaps into his face and demands he stop it. And he does. I like it! Apparently that maxidress was forgiving enough for Kyle to wear her big-girl panties tonight. In the background, Tay is babbling about how she doesn’t get any alimony. Well no, you twit, because you aren’t DIVORCED, and what the f*ck are you going on about now? Back to business, Marisa thinks this is all unseemly and people should not fight others’ battles. The Pumps think it’s appalling, all these men attacking The Glands. She’s like a defenseless giraffe. All The Glands did, says Lisa, is “speak the truth as she knew it” (important caveat) and now here she, a single mum, is being threatened with all the firepower of the whole cabal of Maloofs. Mr. Lisa does not think any of it was meant maliciously, but Mauricio thinks he’d feel differently if the shoe was on his foot and frankly, I think that what The Glands did by talking about ______________ out loud can be the truth and malicious at the same time. Kim comments that as a single mom too, she knows you have to mind your p’s and q’s and stay on people’s good sides or you can lose jobs and other stuff you depend on. Kimmy and The Glands need to spend more time together.

Meanwhile, Tay’s still bleating about poor little ME and how she’s been through more than anyone. AND, she’ll have everyone know as she pretends she’s just talking with Camille but she’s actually talking for the benefit of the camera, she knows David Foster better than his wife Yo does, and so does Camille, because they are friends with his ex-wife and know he’s really not all fairies and unicorns to live with. Hah! Camille does not want to venture down that dead-end road with Tay; she and Yo are way over her shiitake. Camille needs to not come to parties anymore unless she is guaranteed there are placecards and she has final review of the seating chart.

Anyway: The Glands at this point doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this anymore; it’s between her and Adrienne and will be handled between their lawyers. Lisa thinks The Glands needs to learn to keep it together because she’s setting herself up for disaster otherwise. Mauricio tries to tell The Glands that it’s “not a personal issue”, it’s a matter of principle, which is ridiculous, and Mr. Lisa tells him so. “Typical man!” he crows. “Men think we know everything about everything.” Pip pip! With that, the Pumps are off in the night for a cleansing cocktail at the Polo Lounge and a day of swinging to follow.

Thank God that’s over, but it’s not, because the Umanskys are having the Oof-Ifs over for dinner. Kyle’s bitching at Mauricio for not having fixed the ice maker, and violently throwing lit matches into the fireplace to incite a colossal WHOOSH that nearly sets her Crystal Gayle do ablaze. That would have been a good time to use one of your butterfly clips, girl! It seems Kyle “cooked” tonight, because she’s serving cubed melon as an appetizer, a big bowl full of what looks like coleslaw, and wraps from Costco topped with olives on picks. Like Adrienne’s going to eat that. The Oof-Ifs settle in, woundedly, and share that they have been in hiding on the east coast, avoiding the “negative energy”. Adrienne murmurs that The Glands “went too far”, and that their “personal issues shouldn’t include people I love”. Sigh. Kyle feels stuck in the middle between a friend and a sort-of-friend, just where she likes it. Adrienne announces that she wants The Glands to confront her face-to-face with her issues. Hmm, wonder if that’s going to happen.

Elsewhere and later, Yo’s at her ex-husband Mo’s house handing out lemons and doing some decorating. It seems Mo builds these monstrosities and frequently hires Yo to decorate because she’s so good at it. Mo scampers around bossing this one and that one in skintight white jeans, and have I said before that white jeans really need to be worn looser than regular denim? That’s my opinion and it applies even to self-proclaimed supermodels like Yo. Yo’s ordering around a crew of “HADID” workers, and when she finds one struggling with a large slab of marble who does not speak English, she stops everything to reprimand him. She learned English, and he should too! Yo really sounds like a 80-something-year-old shrew with her know-it-allness. I suppose I do too, but you won’t catch me snapping at someone to learn English, dammit. The crew of fifty wedge the marble into place under Yo’s expert supervision, the house is complete, and Yo thinks it looks so great she might just have to invite the girls over to see it. Does she mean her girls, or the Wives? Please say the former. We cannot have another party right now because we are still hung over from the last three.

Meanwhile, Kim’s having her psychic over to assess her rental for ghosts. The psychic decides that Kimmy’s future grandchildren have been visiting her, and that there’s a woman who sits on her bed and watches over her. Uhhhhh…. Kimmy decides then and there to renew her lease. Dealing with “the other side”, she says, is easier than dealing with the Housewives, and I imagine she’s right about that. The psychic further informs Kim that her fireplace is a portal to another dimension. They sit and contemplate the implications of that. I’m expecting them both to skidoo through with their handy dandy notebooks and find themselves Steve and Blue on the other side. Sadly, this does not happen.

2 thoughts on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/21/13

  1. I like the nicknames you give!
    Sometimes I only watch this show to read what you have to say.
    and love it’s exactly what me (and everyone! ) thinks.
    Thanks again!!

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