REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/28/13

Yo’s not coming on night one of this trip because she has to stay home to cook dinner for her husband, awardwinning songwriter David Foster, and serve it to him barefoot atop a windy precipice overlooking the sea. Guess what she’s making? I’ll give you a hint: there will be lemons! And she’s wearing those skintight white jeans AGAIN. Last night on WWHL Yo told Mr. Andy that after watching her behavior on RHOBH she realized she had Lyme Disease. Yo and Blair Warner – coincidence? It’s a reality epidemic! I am wondering how she accomplished this self-diagnosis – she must have seen the distinctive red bullseye rash on her buttock right through those jeans. Whatever the case we wish her a speedy recovery. Yo’s advice to women everywhere is that men are simple and just really need to be acknowledged, fed, and given the boots, which I do agree is about all there is to it but easier said than done sometimes. The Fosters are so blissfully in love after six years that they are 95% sure this is it for life. How reassuring.

So anyway, everyone else who matters is in Vegas for stripper skool, and The Glands is trying to be all hostessy and pick out a rose from the wine list. Aww, that’s sweet. Kyle talks about her new store. The Glands informs that Yo will be coming tomorrow after performing her marital duties. Marisa shares that she is feeling “mellow” because she misses her babies. This is where The Glands makes the well-promoted remarks about how Marisa doesn’t love her husband as much as he loves her, but when it actually happens it is said much more gently than was let on and is not the shot across the bow it was made out to be. Marisa acknowledges that after 16 years of coupledom she and Mr. Marisa have a “banter”, and that she knows she’s really a lucky girl. Bluuuuhhhh. Talk turns to The Glands’ tough life as the spurned wife, and how LeAnn copies her (same scraps of clothing, same emaciated physique, same wedding dress designer). The Glands asks how long Camille went without sex during the breakup of her marriage; it seems Camille went without sex DURING most of her marriage, and went months here and there after the split until taking up with her well-endowed current beau, and then it was a big egads! Is Camille angling to be the new face of KY? There is a discussion about female body parts that rhyme with angina, hygiene-related strings that look like tails or price tags, and oysters. I really can’t repeat any of it without blushing.

The next day, Kimmy’s visiting the South Pacific Surgical Center for a consult on her nose. Her doctor appears to be Kasey of The Bachelor: Ali and Bachelor Pad 2 fame. Will he guard and protect her heart while he straightens her hump? Will she end up with an unanticipated rose tattoo in an awkwardly visible location? Will it hurt? Dr. Kasey says no, it will not be painful. I think Assy Bellino would beg to differ with that, but of course her surgery was all to fix her deviated septum and not cosmetic in the least, so it should have hurt more.

Back in Vegas, the broads are hanging poolside in their coverups when Yo strolls up in Heidi braids wearing a macrame monokini, skintight Daisy Dukes, and her signature Hermes belt. She’s going to get a yeast infection if she isn’t careful. The gals are having cocktails while Yo belts down a glass of green goo. Mmm, delicious. She is really no fun at all.

Getting back to the business of the stripper skool: a “branding” company approached The Glands to be the face and name of this enterprise because they thought it would be a perfect fit, and she thought it would be a great way to make some fast cash, and that’s pretty much all the reflection either party engaged in before jumping into bed together, so to speak. “Isn’t Adrienne upset you aren’t supporting her business by stripping at The Palms?” Lisa purrs in the limo en route to The Glands’ big rehearsal strip-a-thon. Now now! In the stripper studio, the gals sip some purpley substance from champagne flutes while The Glands nervously tests out her pep talk as her left boob attempts to escape her shredded Wal-Mart Flashdance top. Lisa’s got a feather boa tied around her waist like a tutu. The ladies impatiently wait for The Glands’ inspirational words. “Thank you all for coming – it’s about not judging – feeling sexy – having fun – can’t be wrong when speaking the truth – please enjoy yourselves – and the pancakes!” The Glands squeaks. Oh you big girl! It’s fragments, but you’re getting there! On with the show! Let’s show Kyle how those splits are really done!

Next time: The Glands shows off her pole skills. Is she sure she hasn’t done this before? Kim’s gone under the knife and is muttering about Kyle. Lisa goes after Kyle, Yo shushes Camille, and Camille confronts Lisa about whether she really owns SUR in another circular dinnertime fracas. Oh, the anticipation. Until then…

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770

Leave a Reply