Meanwhile, Mrs. Maurice, Kyle, is in the final steps of planning and launching her new boutique, KYLE by Alene Too, otherwise known as Forever In Caftans. She seems to be meeting with people in the trade, but I am not sure what “the trade” is. This isn’t exactly your usual merchandise mart, and I am getting an American Pickers vibe about this whole operation. Kyle sees about 3000 shiny rainbow caftans she feels she MUST have for the boutique, but her partner cautions her that they all look too much alike. Which is what Kyle was going for, and is exactly the problem.
While Kyle picks, Tay is meeting “an old friend who is having trouble with a breakup”. It’s PAM!!!! Oh, I’ve missed Pam. I think BH is a lot less fun without Pam. And Pam seems to have broken up with her fiance (you know, the father of her Thai-speaking baby; the one she was going to marry in a French palace while wearing a tiara) and he’s had her yellow Lamborghini repossessed. Nonetheless Pam is now “enthusiastically getting laid” and “drinks and forks a lot”, so it’s kind of turned out okay. She is also smoking a lot and lights up a Virginia Slim off the coffee table candle. I thought they were in a public establishment – can you smoke in bars or lounges in LA? It seems so not done.
Pam so clearly wants back in to the wifely circus, and smelling blood in the water she is circling. As much as Pam “hates that b*tch”, who is not “on par” with the socially-elevated twosome of Pam and Tay, she has to now admit that The Glands was totally right about the precariousness of her relationship with her ever-traveling, good for nothing baby daddy. And what’s with The Glands taking on Adrienne, she asks? Adrienne’s a big fat phony, she thinks. In fact, all the ‘Wives have ulterior motives, says Pam. They love themselves so much, she tells Tay, “there’s not enough room to love you.” Words of wisdom from Pam, and intentionally designed to angle herself back in as a divider and sh*t-stirrer if there’s a crevice of opportunity.
Finally, this damn store is opening and at the Casa Umansky there is a frenzy of makeup and curlers. The opening party starts in two hours and Kimmy calls to say she thinks this is perfect time to go get a tan. Kyle does not think this is perfect time, and I agree – she’ll either be all sticky and wet and leave Maloofy skidmarks on everything, or if she’s going the totally old-school tanning bed route will smell like cooked flesh. Six of one, as they say. Kyle can’t decide whether to wear a short, tight, black shiny compressive hose dress, or an earth tone sparkly mermaid gown, but once she’s in the mermaid deal she can’t get out so that’s what she’s wearing tonight. Hope she likes it. I think it would work well at Thanksgiving because if you spill gravy on it the stain would blend right in.
The Umanskys roll out of the limo on what may be the saddest, dumpiest looking street in Los Angeles. And the emptiest – it’s what, sometime not long after 5 and there’s not a soul to be seen. Inside the 5000 square foot retail emporium, there seems to be one of everything and a lot of the same stuff – it’s like Vanna White’s wardrobe cycled through a Crayola Color Explosion product and the had a vat of glitter poured over the top. A store full of hot mess, in other words.
Everyone arrives, with Feige the first on the spot. She also smells blood. Feige seems to have dressed in a Forever in Caftans special. Marisa and The Glands are in black. Yo is in pink. Lisa is in a hideous purple getup and I feel like she wore this before. At the tea party, maybe? Kimmy’s also in black with another I Dream Of Jeannie pony, which works for her. Tay and her publicist/handler pop out of a vehicle on a mission, and she actually looks cutest in a Missoni-type halter dealio.
So speaking of Tay, she still wants to talk to Yo. “Yes, at Starbucks,” pipes up Yo. We will not talk here, we will talk at Starbucks! But no we won’t, because Tay can’t afford Starbucks and the drinks here are free so we will talk now. Tay wants to explain that the whole problem is that she’s friends with one of the various ex-Mrs. David’s, and all she ever heard from the ex-Mrs. David is how awful David is, so she was prepared to hate him, but he’s actually nice, so now Tay likes him. Yo is glad Tay has come to Jesus on this subject but is still irate with Tay for blabbing her frivolous criticisms to others with those big flappy lips. Tay feels Yo needs to let her talk. Yo feels this whole situation is like a basket of fruit with a bad apple in the bottom. And you know what that makes you, Tay? A mushy red apple. No one likes a mealy apple.
The Oof-Ifs arrive and Adrienne totally stiffs Dr. Paul on the sidewalk. The Glands races to the bar on the other side of the room to escape them. Adrienne thinks The Glands wants to make a scene; oh, of course she does, which is why she’s frantically scrabbling through the racks as a distraction. Yo is really confused by this store as everything seems “used before”. I think maybe that’s what the deal is here – it’s “vintage”, in that everything is pre-worn, but not “vintage” in that it’s not actually that old, or worth anything. It’s resale Cache. Kyle takes a giant pair of fake scissors to cut a big fake bow stretched across the doorway, and I hope Maurice takes those things home to cut her out of her dress later.
The Sisters Richards repair to a dressing room for a heart-to-heart, and speaking of that we get a glimpse of the teeny heart tattoo on Kimmy’s right shoulder blade. After a certain age what may have seemed like a fun thing to do just becomes regrettable. Anyway. Kim explains that after she got home she realized that she had been mixing up medication on her trip and accidentally took something that “screwed her up six months ago” instead of her “water pill”, because they are both peach. First of all, what is a “water pill”? Is Kim on the Sonja Morgan program? Maybe she needs to get an intern to keep her meds straight. Second, shouldn’t she have gotten rid of ALL the meds as part of her sobriety? Seven months ago Kimmy thought she was going to die, she shares, and then six months ago she took the bad pill, which didn’t help, so she should have gotten rid of the bad pills, I think. But she promises Kyle it was a mistake and not a stumble and everything is okay – for now. There are tears. I am confused by what is not being said here but Kyle seems to believe in Kim so maybe it’s cool, even if Kim can’t promise she’ll be sober forever.
Next time: Adrienne is having a party to launch what is apparently a vodka called Zing, God help us, and there are live naked models and much yelling at Paul. Marisa thinks the Oof-Ifs need a “hall pass”. At the vow renewal, Feige accuses The Glands of breaking up the Oof-If’s family. Yo thinks that’s a pathetic accusation. Who invited Feige in the first place? Why isn’t this over already?
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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Apparently I walked out of the room so often on this episode, I missed a bundle. But thankfully littlemama is challenged by boring episodes because this was one of the funnier posts in a while!
“…..frogs will drop from the sky” hilarious and true!
“….no, we will talk here because the drinks are free” HA!
It seems that both BHills and the WaDC groups are more hyper aware of bad publicity and skilled at putting on false appearances–they’re incredibly cagey on details when a camera is around. Especially the Sis Richards.
Such a boring season. And isn’t Pam really Dana (who had the $25,000 sunglasses???)