REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS REUNION (PART 1) – 3/25/13

Reunion time! It feels like we’ve hardly had time to reflect because, well, we have not. The BH9ers are back and there’s a lot of lace happening today: red lace (Yo), black lace (The Glands), pink-and-white lace with tutu (Kim)…. and then there’s Tay wearing a secondhand ice dancer costume with her Cocker Spaniel hair.

Mr. Andy announces, in his severest tone, that Adrienne decided “not to participate today”. He acknowledges that “_____________ was revealed that Adrienne refused to speak directly about”, and that her behavior “frustrated you – AND US.” Adrienne will not be back next season, he intones. The ladies gasp. “Her final act was not showing up tonight.” The bus’ ignition turned Mr. Andy now gives each of the other six ‘Wives a chance to drive it. Kyle thinks Adrienne has breached their “sisterhood”. Ever-sensible Lisa thinks Adrienne “changed the boundaries” – that when you go on reality TV you deal with your deal, whatever it may be, and that The Glands didn’t tell any secrets, she pointed out that Adrienne was being dishonest about her deal. Will Adrienne be missed? The Glands, all fired up as the NY Times Best Sellingest Housewife Ever, flatly says no. Kim says yes, __________________caused lots of problems. Huh? Lisa thinks that with all the leaking about quitting Adrienne got into it’s clear she really wanted to stay. Probably so.

Let’s talk about the seating arrangements for a minute because many speculate about What Does It Mean? The left couch features Yo (furthest out), The Glands in the middle, and Kyle at the right hand of the father. Lisa is on his left, with Kimmy in the middle, and Tay at the end. Many seem to think that the wives most likely to get the can are placed at the ends. God willing this is so as to Tay; not so sure about Yo unless she isn’t interested in returning? I am sure Mr. Andy would love to have her as she is legitimately glam and calls it for what it is, but I have to think she has better things to do and besides, she’s sick which we’ll get to. Both Richards Sisters are rumored to be out while The Glands is definitely in, so maybe this arrangement is just to wrap things up with a bang, as it were.

The Glands
Theme #1 is of course, The Glands. We are presented with a montage about ______________ which makes Adrienne look totally crazy. The Glands re-explains the series of events that set her off, which we’ve been over a thousand times. Kim says she didn’t expect the Oof-Ifs to go so bananas when she spilled the beans that The Glands had talked about ____________, so yeah maybe that was a bad call. The Glands tells us that she’s really a “happy, sweet, fun person, but cross me and I will cut a bitch”, and Kyle oddly acknowledges that if she’d been caught up in Bernie the Enforcer’s bullsh*t leaks to the tabloids about her parenting she too would be furious. The Glands tells us that Dr. Paul called her to apologize about all that. The Glands explains the whole krap about the litigation threat and it seems some person named Geneva was being used as an intermediate blame assignee which perhaps is how Adrienne could go around pretending she wasn’t threatening legal action against The Glands – it was against GENEVA and The Glands was just dragged into it! Aha – the hair is split! The Glands thinks Adrienne’s whole problem is that money can buy a lot of things but it can’t buy fame and that’s really what Adrienne longs for. Somewhere in the LA area, “famewhore” Dr. Paul and a nubile young former Miss Nevada are cackling.