Ah, Passover. That elusive holiday that’s not really all that elusive because it swings by every year sometime in April and requires my presence at my mother’s house, where she will have spent two weeks straight cooking for seventeen people who would rather be eating sushi. As a completely nonreligious Jewish person who only participates in the traditions of lighting a memorial candle on the anniversary of my father’s death and collecting presents at Hanukah, I cannot say that I was really looking forward to Passover. There’s always a ton of people and we are crammed around several tables and it’s hard to talk to anybody except for the person sitting directly next to you and we read the same story from the prayer books that we have read for years before even a single bite of dinner is served.

“Why don’t we just discuss it over soup?” I suggested once, but – as the rest of my family cannot be classified as slightly-atheist-heathens – my suggestion was met with silence and just a wee … Continue reading →

If there is one thing getting me through this three-part Reunion it is the hope that at some point Brandi Glanville’s face will pop when she either smirks too hard or says the word “mother*cker” with too much enthusiasm. See, I kind of have no doubt that the popping will eventually occur – have you seen her? – and I have an inkling that, when it happens, thousands of those pesky alien thetans, the spiritual manifestations of former ravaged souls that Scientology swears are inside us all, will explode from her cheeks, forehead, and lips and they will run fleeing from the crazy lady they have been shoved inside of for far too long. And if those thetans have the capacity for sight, I’d like to recommend that they run directly towards Lisa Vanderpump, because if you have to be locked inside of someone, she is your very best bet. She will dress the thetans in satin onesies and they can romp around her palatial grounds with Giggy and then settle in for the night … Continue reading →

It’s difficult to select the single most idiotic statement ever uttered by often intentionally undernourished women who seek fame and fortune by being recorded by a small camera crew, but I have a few favorites:

“I’m gonna be on Broadway!” – said by NeNe Leakes, the Atlanta Housewife who has literally choked a woman on camera, about getting an actual role in a Broadway show. Continue to dream big, violence-prone strippers!

“Did a ghostwriter write your book?” – posed to Carole Radziwill, a legitimate writer, by Aviva Drescher, the former New York City Housewife who was let go after her final Hail Mary to stay relevant (removing her artificial leg and flinging it across a restaurant during a party that was held for no good reason) went awry.

“My husband is so hot!” – uttered by the currently-incarcerated Theresa Giudice about her revolting husband, a man whose body mirrors the shape of a beer truck. His awful physique is that assh*le’s finest quality, narrowly inching out his ability to help send his wife to prison … Continue reading →