The curtain parts at the new Palais Du Pump, which is a distinctly modernist sort of place, at least on the outside. Inside it’s a lotta pink and mirrored Art Deco, again. Lisa claims it’s “just around the corner” from the old Chateau, which makes it easy for her new best friend The Glands to pop on by with a housewarming gift in her coral Charlie’s Angels halter jumpsuit. Lisa takes us all on a tour: the new Palais is a more open plan, includes some darker colors, and is “tranquil” thanks to the absence of neighbors. Oh HO, we know who you’re talking about! Like she moved for that reason – the Pumps bought this dump last fall back when Lisa and Adrienne were still dear friends. Details, shmetails. Snark when the opportunity arises.
Lisa welcomes us all into her palatial boudoir and I swoon. First, she has a bathtub that a girl could actually stretch out in and get the girls under the water’s surface, unlike the standard-issue tub that graces my ordinary housewifely domain. Second, the CLOSET. So spacious, so organized by color and theme, a Birkin in every hue. And there’s a couch in there, where The Glands parks herself to present the gifts: a tequila gun for Mr. Lisa, and a king-size vinyl sheet for Lisa herself. Is Lisa a bedwetter? Mr. Lisa is going to be after all that tequila.
So down to Housewife business: the three-year anniversary of Villa Blanca is coming up – so RHOBH has been on three years, and the restaurant has been open just three years? What a coincidence! – and Lisa is going to have a party. Everyone is invited – except Adrienne. Yo! Why is that? It seems the new season began taping just one month after the BH9ers all sat down to film the reunion, and Lisa is still cranky that Adrienne made those accusations that Lisa was selling stories to tabloids. The implication being, of course, that Lisa is short on cash. Rude! (Not to mention the fact that whoever is RadarOnline’s source is at this point clearly someone currently close to Adrienne, which Lisa is not. Such as: someone in need of continued tabloid relevance, and cash? Or perhaps a conniving personal chef? Methinks we were barking at the wrong tree of desperation, Adrienne.) Anyhoo, Lisa feels Adrienne has to apologize before they will be friends again, and doesn’t really have time to feel bad about excluding her. Soon this will all be described as “bullying”, mark my words…
Meanwhile at the Umanskys, Kyle’s farting around on the internet when rumbly Mauricio comes home and tells her there’s a bunch of crap on the lawn. The crap on the lawn turns out to be a newly (rented) Maserati and its accompanying handler, there to ensure the license plate holder displaying the name of the dealership gets its promised product placement. Done and done, so Kyle and Mauricio toot off for a spin around the block. Those two lovebirds.
Speaking of lovebirds, the Oof-Ifs have arrived at some Italian joint for the early-bird special out on the curb. Adrienne knows exactly what she wants, while Dr. Paul can’t quite make up his mind but settles on the arrabbiata. Adrienne is visibly annoyed by his indecision. Just then, you won’t believe it but Tay calls! These two haven’t spoken since the last time they taped, it’s just been so busy! Let’s put her on speakerphone so Dr. Paul can say hi – and so everyone can hear Tay’s announcement that there’s a party Adrienne isn’t invited to. Oh, and Tay’s gained 10 pounds. That’s just for starters, considering recent photo evidence. The phone call ends and Adrienne is miffed. Dr. Paul is hungry and confused.
Let’s change tacks and meet a new housewife! Introducing: Yolanda Hadid Foster. Yolanda is Dutch, which means she is from Holland, but my former coworker thought she was from the Netherlands. That, too. She started modeling at age 16 because she is tall and buxom and blonde, then married Lisa’s buddy Mo and had three kids who are now teenagers. Somewhere along the line they split up so he could freely fornicate in his basement dungeon, and she’s now married to songwriter David Foster. David Foster used to be married to Linda Thompson, who used to be married to Bruce Jenner, who is now married to Kris Jenner, who used to be married to Robert Kardashian, who was best friends with OJ, who allegedly killed his ex-wife Nicole Simpson, who was best friends with Faye Resnick, who is now best friends with Kyle but has yet to achieve FOH status. Last season we saw Linda Thompson attempting to reason with a hysterical Tay to “look at the ocean!” while she lost her shiitake at Brandi’s Malibu beach house party. The last time I saw David Foster on TV was on the premiere of “The Princes of Malibu”, in which his stepsons Brandon and Brody Jenner and their fierce buddy Spencer Pratt rented out spots on his lawn for a pop-up orgy of some sort. He filed for divorce from Linda not long thereafter.
And eventually married Yo, so now here she is. Yo “drew and built” every inch of this fabulous beach house all by herself. With her own power tools? Did she take the nude portrait of herself over the fireplace, too? Yo is a “very romantic person”. Just ask her! Instead of demanding diamonds, like a certain other housewife whose name may or may not rhyme with Free Pootice, all Yo asks is that her husband write her daily love letters. He’s been doing it for six years. How exhausting. He and his partners in musical magic need coffee, and Yo is all too pleased to drop it off in the studio and pick up today’s Post-It. These two are going to be a thrill a minute.
Loved the connect the dots sequence on who knew, slept and or killed who! I liked Brandi last season but in just one episode this season I’m already over all the lewd talk and inappropriate gifts. She is starting to remind of Sonja (with a sexy J!), that a little sex/sexy goes a long way. She’ll probably end up sleeping with a Ryan Gosling look-a-like with bruises all over arms trying to sell TV dinner boxes (with no food) by the end of the season.