Enough of that. Where’s Kimmy? KIMMY! She’s visiting her sister, Kathy Hilton, better known as Paris’ Mortified Mother, Or She Should Be. It’s one month after Kim left “treatment”, and she’s bringing her youngest daughter, Kimberly Jr., over to look at a selection of prom dresses from Kathy’s high-end-ish thrift store, I am guessing. Kim shares that she feels very close with Kathy right now. Kyle, not so much. And guess what? Just as Kimberly Jr. is trying on her very most favorite fluffy white dress, who shows up in her new Maserati, no doubt, but KYLE herself! Grr. The moms commiserate over how tough it is to watch your children grow up, which certainly has to be true if you are Kathy Hilton and have one kid making sex tapes and the other running down gas station attendants while driving drunk.
Kyle’s worried about Kimberly Jr. giving her prom date the boots. Kim is not at all worried, because her 17-year-old daughter’s 20-year-old prom date (!!!!) doesn’t want to have sex until he is married. Kyle gives Kim a look like doesn’t she know nothing is believable and/or normal about this? I’m sure Kim’s daughter’s prom date is thrilled he just got called out as a 20-year-old virgin on national television. Better that than a statutory rapist, I suppose. Anyway, K & K are still mad at each other. Both think the other did them wrong and owes an apology. “It’s hard to say you are sorry to someone who wronged you,” shares Kim. Well, that’s true, but I also think it’s one of the 12 steps so maybe you are just gonna have to do it, girl.
Time to visit the house of Glands! We’ve never been here before, and now we know why: it’s a claptrap craphouse, with a power pole sticking out of the weed-infested front lawn and anchored to the front step by some attractive metal cables. I’m sure she can make something fun out of that for holiday decorating. Oh, but she’s got her white Range Rover, so we know we’re still in LA. Lisa purrs up in her white Bentley and shuffles to the front door in her drag queen heels and suffocating pencil skirt. Lisa needs to rethink her Wheel Of Fortune wardrobe two sizes larger.
Anyway, why are we here, other than to residentially humiliate The Glands and admire Lisa’s powder pink Birkin? Well, Kyle and Lil’ Portia are making phone calls to invite the Housewives to Portia’s 4th birthday party, and we want to make sure we connect with Lisa at an awkward moment. There’s much “hullo dahling”-ing back-and-forth before The Glands pipes up. “Hi Kyle!” she yowls. OK, you’re invited too, and you can bring those dirty boys that peed on Adrienne’s lawn if you have to. Ugh.
Let’s catch up with Tay, who as we know has gained 10 lbs. in the nine months since Russell committed suicide, and she’s doing much better despite the lawsuits and financial troubles. So well, in fact, that she’s ready to go shop shop shopping with Adrienne! And she’s still carrying the fake Birkin bag she later offered up to settle one of those pesky lawsuits. So how’s Adrienne? Well, things are fine: Paul’s thinking about setting up a satellite office in NYC, which would be a bit of a pain. “Oh, and you would miss Paul too much,” offers Tay. Adrienne gives her a Look. Anyhoo: the real issue is the Villa Blanca party, and Adrienne is definitely miffed but won’t admit it. It’s “petty” and “a waste of time”. That it is. Tay’s trying on an outfit that Adrienne likes and no matter what she says yes, it is too much MC Hammer. Considering what we’ve seen of Adrienne’s taste Tay has obviously gone shopping with the wrong person. Elegance is learned, my friends!
It’s finally time for this blasted party at Villa Blanca! The servers are wearing feathered wings, which is bad enough, but the door greeters have it much worse, dressed in wings AND banana hammocks. It’s horrifying, and very European. Yo and Kim, who are water drinkers, immediately pair up, and why is Yo – or anyone? – still wearing butterfly clips in their hair? Very useful, but meant for Home Only, like scrunchies. The Glands shows up in a fascinator because, you know, she and Lisa are BFFs now and Lisa is British and this is how we do it. Mauricio is growing some facial hair, and Kyle’s sporting quite a cleave. The Glands greets Yo with some random comment about how it’s funny they’ve never met before because in the BH9er “you know everyone, you’ve slept with everyone…” Speak for yourself, hooker, sniffs Yo. “Are you kidding me?” sneers Kim, and I realize that my two-year-old does a Kim Richards impression.
Kim escapes from The Glands and she and Kyle get into a sniffy snoot about whether or not Kim’s coming to Lil’ Portia’s birthday party. Kim will be with her kids that day and thinks they won’t want to go. Which, they won’t. Kyle is snarked because she thinks Kim’s kids should want to be with their cousins. The Glands thinks this is all about her because she’s coming (even though no one really wants her there), and Kim blames her for “all her drug and alcohol issues”. Does The Glands actually think Kim thinks she’s the cause of her issues, whatever variety they may be? How self-important we are! I think she just doesn’t like you. And I don’t either, really. Anyway, back to the K’s, who used to be angry at each other about Kim’s drinking. Now there’s no drinking, but there’s still anger. You know why? Because they need HOBBIES.
The crew is comparing notes on their astrological signs and compatibility/incompatibility when all of a sudden, this contorted log festooned with tropical flora is hauled in by a pair of winged party staff. What in hell? Is it a camel? Is it a giant turd? Whatever it is, it’s from Adrienne, and no one is clear whether it’s meant as a gesture or as a sharp poke in the eye. And so it begins.
This season: we’re all going to gay Paree! There will be splits, raw meat, and girl-on-girl kissing. Kim’s getting a nose job, someone’s consulting Suzanne Somers about something questionable, the Glands is starting fights, Yo gets her catsuit on, and the Pumps renew their vows. Trouble ahead, trouble behind!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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Loved the connect the dots sequence on who knew, slept and or killed who! I liked Brandi last season but in just one episode this season I’m already over all the lewd talk and inappropriate gifts. She is starting to remind of Sonja (with a sexy J!), that a little sex/sexy goes a long way. She’ll probably end up sleeping with a Ryan Gosling look-a-like with bruises all over arms trying to sell TV dinner boxes (with no food) by the end of the season.