Moving on, to Yo. Yo pops out of a chauffeured Escalade to visit her daughter, Gigi, on the set of a photo shoot for Guess? jeans. I suppose people must still be buying Guess? stuff as their ad campaigns are still prominently placed near the front of all my fashion magazines, so this is a coup for an up-and-coming model like Gigi. I wonder if their jeans still smell like they did in 1985. Anyway, Gigi is gorgeous, and I think has a much brighter modeling career ahead of her than a certain pair of hamsters whose names start with K who have just dropped out of school to pursue their ‘kareers’. Yo, who as we know is a Very Experienced Model, is just here to support her daughter, not be a stage mother. Well, good luck with that, crew: Yo’s hustling around forcing eye drops on people, overruling the stylist, directing the makeup artist on how to avoid the dreaded “Chinese” eye look, and picking out the photos for the editor. Yep, not stage-mothery at all.

Moving on to the executive terminal, where the Oof-Ifs, Mauricio, and Tay (who seems drunk already) are boarding a 7 a.m. ApolloJet to hustle off to Sacramento for the drag queen parade. Dr. Paul has his footwear encased in a roll-on, while Mauricio is just going to wear whatever shoes the charity lends him. Hope he brought his own clean footies! Again, what’s going on with Tay’s eyes? It looks like more than Botox – almost like she’s got a bungee cord pulling her ears together in the back under than mess of a mop on her head. This cannot be Dr. Paul’s work. Discussion turns, again, to Lisa, that tiresome topic. The Oof-Ifs are both still mad about how Adrienne was treated, and I am not sure what they are talking about. Dr. Paul thinks a mutual apology is in order. Again, big girl panties!

Kyle is not on board Air Oof because she’s getting lil’ Portia’s party started. There are balloon animals being crafted and inflatable bats all puffed up and ready for the guests to use as weapons. So far, so good. Lil’ Portia is wearing a sparkly dress and tiara and getting her nails done. OK. Now the ponies are arriving, and we’re getting into Kennedy’s Kountry Fair territory – until Kyle inquires as to why they are ponies and not unicorns. Does Kyle not know that unicorns are IMAGINARY? As in, not real, unless they are flying out your ass? The unicorn herder assures her that he brought cones. Kyle is not sure the customer will be satisfied and goes to fetch big fat party planner Glenn off the tennis court. Oh, God, we’re having a whole carnival here. I’m having Russell flashbacks. Will Pam’s stepson be performing here as well?

While Kyle bitches about the unicorns, it’s quite a sight up in Sacramento. There’s a whole pack of men wearing blue ears and they are all way excited to see the men from RHOBH join them. In other words, this is gay pride on parade. Adrienne will fit right in.

So the Pumps pop over on the early side to deposit their gift. Maybe they didn’t get the memo about the party time being bumped back due to the drag queen walk, or maybe they just didn’t really want to go to the Karnival and conveniently scheduled a wine tasting to conflict. Lisa gives Mr. Lisa crap for how the gift matches his pink shirt, which is rich seeing as her green aviators perfectly match her green sheath, and I can’t believe how great she looks in green! Pink is really not her color after all. Mr. Lisa’s gift turns out to be a birthday hat for lil’ Portia which she very cutely pops onto her head and goes to model for all the help. Lisa spots the llama getting dropped off and personally escorts it through the house to the karnival in back. She has a lot less fear of dromedaries than your average Housewife. Kyle remarks that Mauricio would be SO MAD if he saw a llama in the house; Lisa dismissively responds that he won’t see it because he’s running around Sacramento “in ladies underwear”. Sounds about right.

So since Lisa’s here now we have to talk to HER about the whole Adrienne standoff. Aren’t they bored of this? Because I am. Kyle offers to host a dinner party at which they can fight. Lisa declines, because honey badger don’t care. It’s no one else’s business, Adrienne can apologize to her or not, Lisa can’t be bothered. She’s done here, and the walk is done in Sacramento. We are subjected to an ad for some really nasty flavored Smirnoff. Salted caramel vodka? There’s something so menthol cigarettes about that.

So Lisa leaves and then the party really starts. The Glands shows up with no kids and wearing red heart-shaped “Lolita” sunglasses. Boy, that was money well-spent. Since the invite was “come, bring your kids, they’ll enjoy it”, why is she here with no kids? She doesn’t seem to know either and clearly wants to get the hell out asap. Camille arrives with the Disciple, Dana races in with her Thai-speaking baby while the door was left open to make way for Yo’s messenger (carrying the cheapest teddy bear I’ve ever seen, adorned with dog toys), here comes Faye Resnick, and is that Sarah “is this the world we live in?” FOHOC with a herd of pocket gays? Everyone is here today! Where’s NeNe? The Glands looks like she’s going to become incontinent, she’s so scared to be here without Lisa. The Oof-Ifs stroll in like a nice normal married couple, again. Why is it they seem happier this year than the two previous combined? Finally Mauricio comes home from the parade and the party can really begin.

Lil’ Portia’s Kounty Karnival features t-shirt silk-screening, face painting, a petting zoo, carnival rides, games, the llama, and of course the unicorns who are pooping all over the lawn. And, Tay, chardonnay fumes visibly smoking out of her pores. She ignores The Glands who sneaks out and texts her goodbyes. As soon as she’s gone, Tay launches into an incredibly drunken retelling of the “I’ve slept with everyone in Beverly Hills” anecdote, in two variations: in one, The Glands claimed to have slept with everyone herself; in the other Tay seems to suggest The Glands accused Yo of having slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. Kimmy seems slightly frightened to be sitting so close to Tay. After all the work she’s had done, Tay looks like the Joker. I’d be frightened too.

Mauricio expresses concern that his tennis court is being destroyed by “burritos”. They talk about the Adrienne-Lisa standoff, again. Adrienne describes the situation as “childish”. I think her lavender lipstick is “childish”, and gives the unpleasant appearance of the wearer having assumed room temperature. Can we please talk about something else?

Next time: Yo’s having everyone to dinner! There’s going to be a sing-a-long but Tay’s not cooperating. Lisa totally gives Adrienne the social Heisman, then they sit down for a beer summit. Only way to please me, you just gotta leave and walk away. Toodles!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro

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