It’s a beautiful day at the Umansky residence, aside from the fact that someone’s been throwing eggs at the property. Rumbly Mauricio comes in to complain that there have even been eggs thrown at the cars, which is super-crappy because I am told egg on a car can ruin the paint. And we don’t want Kyle’s new Maserati getting trashed! Mauricio thinks someone must be targeting Flopsy because her window got tagged, so he makes her come outside to assess the damage. But guess what? This wasn’t the work of hoodlums or SUR employees set out against Kyle – it was all a big fake thing to reveal that the Umanskys have bought Flopsy her very own Mercedes! Flopsy can’t believe it. I can’t believe Kyle is wearing those red high-tops. As appalling as Kyle acknowledges it may be for them to have bought Flopsy a Mercedes, Kyle defends the parenting choice as a celebration of Mauricio’s successful launch of his own real estate company, The Agency. I personally think we can find more practical and well-advised ways to celebrate our professional successes, but this is what makes me different from the parents of 90210. As long as Flopsy maintains a better driving record than her Hilton cousins I suppose I will stay out of it.
Elsewhere, The Glands is meeting her book agent for lunch. They are not going to do sake shots because she has kids to deal with and can’t be throwing up. Hear that, Mr. LeeAnn?? Out of bed before dusk, and declining to day drink. The Glands shares the sordid saga of the Ojai trip with her agent, whose name I don’t think we’ve seen. I guess he’s okay being on camera but not so much with revealing identifying details – his appearance is so benign, no one could pick out that dude in a lineup. “Be happy for me, rich people!” The Glands proclaims about her book deal. “Let me get a bit of cash, too!” These two are here to discuss the cover; The Glands doesn’t think her photo needs to be on it, which is ridiculous and the agent tells her so. He thinks something like the cover of Chelsea Handler’s first and very successful book, which he agented, should provide some inspiration. The other thing is that The Glands likes her proposed title, which includes the word ‘Fork’ and cannot possibly be pasted onto a book cover. Agent man says no. The Glands tells us she am what she am and that’s all that she am – not a loose cannon, a “truth cannon”! FORESHADOWING, viewers.
Meanwhile, Lady Pump is at SUR preparing for a tasting party and introducing her staff and their personal crap as a segue to her new spinoff, Vanderpump Rules, which premieres Monday, January 7th presumably following RHOBH. It seems her bartender is really hot, in a California way, and her waitress was rude to a Very Important Customer last night so Lisa has to give her a talking-to. Lisa tells us she feels like she is running a high school. She must be handing out condoms in the health department is what I think. We also have to have a phony phone conversation with The Glands to re-introduce the Vanderpump Rules character of Scheana, the waitress who has fornicated with all sorts of low-rent celebrities including Mr. LeeAnn back when he was Mr. Glands. She won’t be working tonight, and The Glands is relieved.
Three castmembers of Vanderpump Rules thusly introduced, the guests begin to arrive for the tasting party. The Glands and her flatironed hair show up first, followed by Kim of all people! Kimmy and The Glands make a funny phone call to Kyle, leaving her the usual disapproving message Kyle has historically left for Kimmy in past seasons. The Glands is a full meter taller than Kimmy. Tay arrives in a white sheath dress, followed shortly by the Umanskys. Kyle is wearing a black jacket with a cheetah print skirt, and I think this is a mistake that will emphasize her bottom. Kyle is no Pippa, sad but true.
After 10,000 air kisses they sit down to sample crostini, “Japanese quesadillas”, and an assortment of skewers, none of which sound like a justifiable reason to have a tasting party, but whatever. Lisa asks Kimmy how she’s doing with her sobriety, and Kim offers what sounds like a thinly veiled jab at Kyle about residual anger. Is this foreshadowing, or an effort to explain Kimmy’s new storyline? Someone asks where Adrienne is, and The Glands suggests she’s off writing her imaginary book. Mr. Lisa snarks that that shouldn’t take long. The subject having been introduced, Kyle asks The Glands why she is having issues with Adrienne.
WELL: here’s the laundry list:
1. The Glands thinks Adrienne lies a lot, such as about having a book deal which The Glands’ agent says is not true.
2. Also, Dr. Paul and Adrienne conference called The Glands to try to bully her into taking Adrienne’s side against Lisa via Twitter.
3. And, of course, everyone at the table knows one little lie Adrienne has told which is _____________.
The table goes deafeningly silent. Did she really say __________________? No one can believe it! ________________ is so private! So below the belt! So unfair to blurt it out about _________________ when Adrienne is not there – to speak of ________________ messes with people’s LIVES!
What in hell is ______________________? Per Wetpaint and an assortment of other media outlets, ______________________ is the long-rumored information that the junior Oof-Ifs arrived in this world via surrogate, and not via the dramatic c-section deliveries Adrienne claimed to have undergone just last week at the final-night-in-Ojai patio dinner party. Seriously? How exactly did Adrienne expect to keep that completely secret? You cannot possibly go on a reality television show about the sordid details of your life and think you can keep that stuff from peeping out. And why does it matter in the first place? Doesn’t matter to Camille, who is rather matter of fact about her surrogacy experience. Internet speculation abounds that the lil’ Oofs are not aware their buns did not warm in Adrienne’s own oven, therefore this was a crass invasion of privacy. In my professional life I handle a range of matters related to alternative reproduction, and in my personal/professional opinion if the Oof-Ifs have been keeping this information from their kids they are really doing them a disservice. It was bound to come out in some awkward fashion eventually. Going on reality TV both increased the likelihood and the awkwardness tenthousandfold. Idiots.
So the reason we have a big _______________ when _______________ is being talked about is because the Oof-Ifs have not only sued/threatened to sue The Glands for defamation over all this (as we get to later), but are also suing/threatening to sue Bravo as well. So Bravo left the words out and let us all fill in the blanks instead. They are also apparently declining to bring Adrienne back next season because she’s a litigious PITA, much as they declined to keep Tay on air until she unloaded the litigious Russell. Can Adrienne take Tay with her when she goes? Oh, and as a free piece of legal advice: truth is a defense to a claim of defamation. And when you are a public figure the standard is higher for invasion of privacy. Which is probably why this litigation seems to remain in the stage of threat and not actuality.