Anyway, everyone at the table is shocked. The Glands may just have gone too far this time. Back at the Palais Oof-If, everything is super-duper-normal. Dr. Paul’s nephews are over to barbecue (we can see them on camera, but the lil’ Oofs? Nope.) and he is firing up the grill all by himself for the first time and manhandlinging a head of lettuce. Dr. Paul leaves the grill to housekeeper Sally so he can take the lil’ Oofs swimming and take his shirt off. Adrienne and the nephew totally tear into poor Dr. Paul about the fuzzy patches on his back. Adrienne thinks this bit o’fuzz requires a weed whacker to remove. I think if they’d left well-enough alone no one would even have noticed. Poor Dr. Paul.
Moving on – time for a party, and this one is on some urban rooftop to celebrate the opening of Rumbly Mauricio’s new real estate agency. Camille arrives early and is bringing her new Greek God in the flesh! He seems very shy; I think maybe he’s just a little embarrassed that she keeps talking about the size of his dingaling and showing photos of his headless torso to one and all and the world in general. Tay brings some guy named Dwight who I think is her pocket gay. It seems Mauricio has the listing for all the available units in this building where they are having the party, and they are fabulous multi-million dollar condos. Camille might pick one up as an investment, which would be one step toward Mauricio’s goal of grossing $600-$750 million in year one. It seems that in 2010 Mauricio was named one of the top ten realtors in the country for sales of more than $200 million. Which I think would be a commission total of about $12M to Mauricio if my understanding that 6% is the standard is correct. One of my friends recently commented that she’s heard the Umanskys are worth $100M and that their house doesn’t look like it. Maybe they are just too smart to go full Kardashian.
You know who’s not here are the Vanderpumps, because Mr. Lisa is having hip replacement surgery. It seems that ten years ago he was injured in a polo accident, natch, and he’s finally getting things fixed up. The Pumps teeter into the outpatient surgical center, Mr. Lisa with a pink cashmere sweater tied jauntily over his shoulders as only he can pull off. This really should be a fairly routine matter and they have an excellent surgeon, but Mr. Lisa is the love of Lisa’s love and sixteen years older, so she’s a nervous wreck. The tension is thick and amplified by the dramatic music. Anything can happen in surgery – hell, you could get killed crossing the street as I nearly was about 45 minutes ago. Lisa could not live without him. Are you there, God? It’s me, Lisa Vanderpump. Anyway, the surgery comes out fine and they’ve even swaddled Mr. Lisa in a pink blanket. Lisa tickles his gonads to wake the patient and we’re all back to normal.
Back at the Agency Party, Kimmy arrives in a chic black suit, followed not long thereafter by the Oof-Ifs with Adrienne in a strapless cocktail dress. It seems she didn’t get the “dressy business attire” memo, or didn’t know what that means. If it makes Adrienne feel better, The Glands doesn’t know what it means, either, because she’s wearing a really ratty looking fur vest over a flowered tube. Kimmy immediately takes the Oof-Ifs aside to rat The Glands out for telling them all about _________________. Everyone immediately realizes the three of them are in a heated conversation and this cannot be good. Adrienne immediately decides that a lawsuit is just what’s needed to remedy The Glands’ revealing __________________. Dr. Paul is not satisfied and wants to personally take her down. “She’s got too much time on her hands and isn’t taking care of her own kids,” says Adrienne, because accusations of neglectful parenting aren’t the least bit defamatory. Dr. Paul wants to know what Lisa said about all this so he can take her down, too. Kimmy defuses that by saying Lisa didn’t say anything, which severely disappoints Dr. Paul but is bad in it’s own way, he thinks. “Brandi’s lies have gone too far!” decrees Adrienne.
Instead of leaving, as they should have and as Adrienne suggested, Dr. Paul drags her into the party and starts shouting that he “heard the comments that that bitch made”. A big swearing screaming match between Dr. Paul and The Glands, with Adrienne lobbing grenades from the sidelines, ensues. Kyle cannot believe Kimmy lit this match at Mauricio’s special party. There are many FUs and POSs, and the anger level is making Tay “super nervous” because, you know, she is a domestic violence victim. The Glands swears on her children that she is not lying and the Oof-Ifs are. “You lie! YOU LIE!” shrieks Adrienne, practically hopping from one Hoof to the other. Dr. Paul starts screaming about The Glands’ parenting and accuses her of sleeping till 3 p.m. Adrienne pipes up that The Glands is “a crock-pot crazy drug addict – full of drugs”. ‘Cause that’s not defamatory at all.
Next time: Kyle’s mad at Kimmy for starting this shiitake. Lisa and Kyle argue; The Glands and Faye Resnick (who is trying SO HARD to replace someone next season) argue; and it’s All About The Glands, who knows what she knows. Good times ahead!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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