REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 12/17/12

Needing counsel, Kyle heads off to lunch with Faye Resnick, who’s always such a help. Is Faye Resnick black, or just remarkably, consistently beige? I have been wondering this since OJ. If she had been involved in the Ojai arm wrestling challenge she totally would have won by blending invisibly into the lovely carpet. Anyhoo. Feige has known Adrienne for a very long time, and Adrienne never lies. On the other hand, The Glands, who Feige doesn’t know at all, clearly carries a bag of tricks and pulls stuff out to cut as deep as possible. Has Feige just suggested that The Glands turns tricks? That wasn’t nice. Kyle has taken a page from the Dana/Pam fashion playbook and is wearing shorty shorts with heels. Nothing about that was a good choice.

Back at Villa Rosa, the devious marriage crasher Scheana has joined Lisa in her boudoir to report delivery of lunchables and insert some plot points to seamlessly introduce the new Bravo show “Vanderpump Rules” and get us all fired up for the dramz. I really think the producers are getting lazy now.

Over in Malibu, not that it has anything at all to do with anything but Yo is working out with her trainer. Lots of burpees and stairs and squats and general defiance of age and the laws of gravity. Can we talk about Yo’s lips for a minute? We’re gonna have to, because there’s nothing else to talk about. I don’t know what she has been thinking but her lips look like she smeared them with foundation and then forgot about it. I think I was about 11 or so when the Cabbage Patch Kids came out and there was a huge run on them. My younger sister wanted one, which of course could not be secured, so instead I hand-sewed her a doll out of old pantyhose that I had stuffed with cotton balls. It didn’t look like a Cabbage Patch Kid but it was cute in its own sad way, and the lips looked just like Yo’s. Kind of stuck on, oddly matte and short on blood supply. I hope Little Anwar gets mommy some gloss for Christmas.

Back to the real action. Now that Scheana has left the premises, it’s safe for The Glands to arrive, and it’s a good thing she’s here because she’s clearly freaking out big time – so freaking out, in fact, that she’s been picking at her face which is information we and Lisa clearly could do without. The Glands has realized that it is a very bad thing to be on the wrong side of Adrienne without a very large checkbook. “People don’t know what they have done to me,” she wails, and it would seem she’s not going to be able to tell us because she’s now been served with some sort of restraining order and/or threat of lawsuit over her big blabby mouth. What she does tell us is that no sooner did the Agency party happen, but the very next day a story appeared on RadarOnline saying that The Glands was partying too hard and being the “mean girl” of the new season, and who do you suppose leaked that? Maybe the person who smelt Lady Pump “selling stories to RadarOnline” dealt it? The Glands sure thinks so. Lisa acknowledges the hypocrisy but still thinks The Glands has stepped in a pile of shiitake and she should have known better. But when The Glands feels threatened she will lift her white-and-black stripey tail and fire back, and we should consider ourselves warned. We visit Mr. Lisa in the garden where he shows The Glands his scar. He’s up and at ’em and likes that purple playsuit The Glands is half wearing. Sexy little minx. No, not her!

Time for the dining room reveal party. At first I think Kyle is wildly overdressed, again, until we find that what looks like a gown from the Vanna White Kollection is actually a jumpsuit! Sporty Spice! Big fat Glenn is back and is making a four-course meal for the ladies who never eat. Here comes new FOH Marisa Zanuck. Marisa is a realtor that Kyle has known for a thousand years and has married into the Zanuck family, producers and directors and founders of movie studios, so clearly People. Marisa is wearing an ill-fitting Roland Mouret and has a heavy mannish walk, which is unfortunate. Lisa and Camille arrive, both in pants, and Lisa cannot collect and consume a signature cocktail fast enough. Feige swans in in sparkles. The Glands rings the bell in a cheap looking spotted vest, and immediately starts talking about “ass” because she’s so declasse, you know. Oh, and at some point Tay got here. I think she lives in Kyle’s closet these days and just comes out when the chardonnay runs dry.