Back to Tay’s, where she’s casually packing lunch for Lil’ Kennedy and this enterprise bears no resemblance to the standard morning mayhem at the Rancho Little Mama. And all of a sudden: the phone! The phone is ringing! There’s an animal in trouble somewhere! Well, no, not really, it’s just Tay’s secret lover lawyer man calling to pretend to inform her there’s a possible settlement in sight for her legal troubles. See, when Russell died Tay was supposed to get a $14M trust. Instead she got stuck with responsibility for a $1.5M debt Russell owed to some former friends. Since Tay has nothing, the former friends have come up with a suggestion: how about if Tay turns over her 10 carat wedding ring and two Hermes bags? That’ll fix it! Tay is shattered. How can these former friends be so ruthless with a brokenhearted widow?
On the happier side of Housewifery, Yo, who is just a regular mom you know, is making spaghetti bolognese for her kids, 17-year-old model Gigi, 13-year-old back-breaker Anwar, and 15-year-old Bella who unfortunately looks just like her dad Mo in a long wig. Gigi spills the beans that Yo really doesn’t cook, making fun of the pot boiling over and her mom’s inability to accurately assess an appropriate serving. David Foster loves that Yo is so nurturing and thinks about taking care of him and her children. What the hell have his previous wives been like? Gigi wants to play club volleyball but Yo is not going to have it – it’s a male sport, will make delicate flower Gigi all bulky and require her to eat like a man, and ruin her chances as a model. Bella, on the other hand, can play all the volleyball she wants. Gigi reminisces about the days when she was a tomboy and would only wear Lakers gear. At the time, Yo thought Gigi was a lesbian. Well, she still might be, Yo, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The Glands happens to stop by Camille’s house in Malibu and lets herself in the back door because they are super close friends now, you know. Totally bonded over their scarily similar divorce experiences, if not over sartorial choices. The Glands is wearing a droopy black tank, braless, with some optically disturbing skintight Jordaches from 1984. Camille looks elegant in a silk peony-colored blouse and slim black pants, and a lot of makeup for day. Anyway. Camille shares, as she has recently done with Anderson Cooper (sigh) that her kids are not allowed to say her name in Frasier’s house and it’s all super weird. The Glands tells Camille that the homewrecker Scheana wants this spinoff-launching wine summit and should she go? Camille would if it was her state of affairs, because she’d like to know a few things. The Glands acknowledges that there can’t be anything worse than going to therapy with Mr. and Mrs. LeAnn (she does that? it’s clearly not working) and besides, Scheana’s always going to be hanging around SUR so it would just be best to deal. And so it shall be. Later.
Next, look who’s back! It’s Adrienne! Apparently we have reached some form of detente in the threatened legal crisis with Bravo. Adrienne stops by Dr. Paul’s office to talk about the skincare line they are launching. “I am glad you came, my darling,” says Paul, and he sounds like he means it. Adrienne complains when Dr. Paul puts her expensive handbag on the floor of his filthy office, and in response Dr. Paul snips about her putting lipstick on his coffee mug. Tit, tat. Adrienne hasn’t been around the last few episodes because she needed space from the toxic girls, you see. The Glands put a strain on her marriage that she will never know. Yes, let’s blame her.
Speaking of legal issues, Tay and her lawyer/lover are meeting up with the Umanskys and the Pumps for dinner. As they wait for their dining companions, Kyle pours it on with Lisa about how flat her tummy and perfectly luscious her butt is. How did we get on this topic? And I thought they weren’t getting along? That was yesterday, I guess. Today they are here, and today they are delighted to see Tay, who shares that she’s decided to accept the terms and hand over her wedding ring. They all applaud her decision, and dismiss the ring and bags as merely material possessions. Said bags were later alleged to be fakes, and the ring ended up posted for sale on eBay which is not exactly where I would go in search of the finest jewels, but I hope the litigants got what they wanted out of the whole thing. On another subject, the lawyerlover tells Kyle, with a glint in his eye, that his friend has seen Kim hanging out at a cigar club. Oooh! Busted! Is Kimmy off the wagon? Or just looking for “love” in all the wrong places? Kyle is disturbed. Their relationship has changed, and not for the better. Dum dum DUM.
FINALLY: time for the wine summit. Lisa sets the scene with Scheana and her porn eyebrows in a Chris Harrisonlike pre-rose ceremony sit down before collecting The Glands at the door and telling her she looks beautiful. She looks like she forgot pants, if you ask me. “Scheana is waiting for you right around this corner,” Lisa tells The Glands, and so the long shameful walk begins.
Scheana immediately gets misty and The Glands tells her to suck it up. The Glands recaps the sordid details for our benefit, explaining that when Mr. LeAnn’s cheating with LeAnn on his pregnant wife The Glands was exposed, he was also dipping the paintbrush with Scheana, who immediately went to a credible media source – Access Hollywood – to tell the world she was cheated on, too, boo hoo. Mr. LeAnn had told The Glands that his dalliance with LeAnn was just a one-time thing, so this revelation basically exposed him as an every-opportunity boot knocker, and not just on Tuesday nights, either. The two girls huddle and compare stats – Scheana’s list of rendezvouses, which of The Glands’ friends actually knew the whole time, etc.. The Glands bemoans the fact that if only Mr. LeAnn’s acting skills were on par with his bullsh*t artistry he’d have 86 Oscars and they’d all be rich. Scheana has abnormally large irises and I am finding them fascinating. The Glands breaks down and tells us that until he ruined it all Mr. LeAnn was everything to her, and thank God she has her adorable kids because without them she would be lost. And even if Mr. LeAnn cheats on Mrs. she doesn’t want them to divorce because it would be so hard on the kids. That’s quite adult, I’d say.
The Glands sniffs, stands, straightens her buttcover, tells Scheana that she accepts her apology and not to be an other woman again, and departs after a pat on the shoulder, and we’re done here. After a fake series of interactions with other the SUR staff, a visit with the boss lady, and a hair-raising, life-risking ride into Manhattan hanging off the helicopter’s landing skids, Tribal Council bucket firmly in hand (oh, wait…) we’re officially segued into “Vanderpump Rules”, and I am going to bed. See you next week.
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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