Back to the show, where pre-DWTS Lisa is on the terrace at Villa Rosa in her pink polka dot bathrobe preparing for a massage with The Glands by imbibing something brown, not pink, from a giant fishbowl of a snifter. Pandy calls to ask whether Lisa has written her vow renewal vows. Lisa is really not into it, nor would I be, but it’s important to Ken so she’s going to give it a go, as Peppa Pig and my youngest son would say.
Meanwhile, at the not-for-long Manse de Oof-If, Adrienne is all atwitter preparing for a big red party to launch her new vodka, Zing! The couches are white, the accessories and flowers and lighting are red, there are naked body-painted living statues and waitstaff wearing tutu loincloths and what I hope are fake “ZING!” tattoos, and overall the whole thing is giving me a Eyes Wide Wonka vibe, which makes me want a big glass of water, straight, thanks. Not that anything on this earth could compel me to imbibe red velvet flavored vodka. I’ve said it before – cake flavored vodka is the menthol cigarette of trendy alcohol. I’ll keep mine neat and traditional, like my men, thanks.
The Glands arrives at Villa Rosa in a Missoni-style tunic having forgotten her pants, again, because she and Lisa are skipping the Zing! party (not that The Glands was invited) for massage night. For one thing, Bernie the Enforcer is still on the job, which bodes ill for both The Glands and Lisa and presents many new grammatically-challenged story opportunities for RadarOnline, and for two, they feel like they’ve been to enough of Adrienne’s promotions. I have to say, I’d take a massage on the terrace at Villa Rosa over pretty much anything, especially if there’s unlimited wine and the chance to be humped by Mr. Lisa. Wouldn’t you? The Glands and Lisa agree that Adrienne is just not a very happy person and can’t deal with life. You don’t say? The Glands thinks the Oof-If marriage is a business arrangement. You don’t say?
Back at the Zing! party, a red gloved hand is reaching out from a wall of red roses, and this is where I would get the hell out. As a small child I had a recurring waking nightmare about a disembodied hand floating into my bedroom to smother me in my sleep. I must have woken my parents from a dead sleep in a shrieking panic about 734 times before I was six because of The Glove. Till the day he died my father would say that The Glove has to have been the spookiest thing he had ever heard of, let alone having a small child come up with it which is flat out terrifying. Now seeing The Vodka Hand emerge from the flowered wall, I can think of little else besides The Glove, and potential groping. I smell a lawsuit!
Anyway, in the kitchen Bernie is dishing up some cheese balls and saltines, and Adrienne is barking orders at Dr. Paul to get out all the dinner plates. Dr. Paul does not think they need or want dinner plates for cheese ball and saltines. Adrienne basically tells him he is a f*cktard. Dr. Paul thinks paper plates will do fine, and I personally don’t see why they don’t give The Vodka Hand a can of spray cheese and tell guests to bend over, and then they can skip the dishware altogether. So much more eco-conscious!
Guests begin to arrive and they are all totally freaked out by the nude live statues and the giant tree people. Wait until The Vodka Hand goes grabass – someone is going to be wielding a pocketbook in anger and self-defense. Camille is one of the first to arrive and lately she’s been acting so desperate to get out of FOH status I can’t believe she doesn’t climb up on the foyer platform and show us how a “former professional dancer” would do it. Yo is not particularly afraid of the living statue, as she is afraid of nothing, so she tucks gremlin-sized Kyle into her armpit and hustles her through the entry way to (relative) safety.
While Dr. Paul sheds his dignity and his clothes to be spray-tanned into a tree costume, Adrienne wants everyone to do shots. Does Adrienne actually drink? Other than the time she got sh*tty in Ojai I can’t really remember a time Adrienne has loosened up a whole lot, let alone gotten boozy. Maybe she just likes to ringlead others into embarrassing themselves while she watches. Anyway, Marisa, who just hasn’t achieved Housewife relevance yet, decides that since she is among the cattiest of the cats – Kyle, Adrienne, and the ever-lurking Feige – now is the time to tell everyone about some totally flip text she got from The Glands suggesting Marisa and the longsuffering Dean give each other hall passes and get over their (or at least her) much-belabored marital disinterest. Everyone is horrified and pretends they have no idea what a “hall pass” is, none more so than Marisa who (a) doth protest too much, and (b) I think has realized what edit she is going to get based on the limited “bored Housewife” material she has provided, and is now trying to cover her tracks. Adrienne sniffs that The Glands should not be giving marital advice. (Perhaps Adrienne should not either.) Marisa sniffs that The Glands’ marital practices (threesomes) are toxic for a marriage. Adrienne, who is long-rumored to be part of an open marriage, agrees, because three is too many but separate, private partners are okay.
Yo doesn’t understand why Marisa has brought this up to these girls and why she doesn’t confront The Glands about it if she’s so offended. Someone (Adrienne? Feige?) brings up the fact that The Glands flirts with everyone’s husband and both Yo AND – surprise! – Kyle come to The Glands’ defense on that one. Feige then tosses the Molotov cocktail that The Glands was caught giving the boots to some guy in Mopsy’s bathroom at Kyle’s White Party. No Housewife saw this, but Feige knows this happened, “for sure”. Who cares? Clearly her service partner was not someone’s husband – at least not a Housewife’s – and as long as she cleaned up after herself I do not see how this is relevant to this discussion. Nor does Yo, who tells the Heathers that they are all throwing The Glands under the bus and if there’s really an issue here whoever has it – in this case Marisa – should look The Glands in the eye and address the grievance directly. Yo stalks off. Camille, Marisa, and Feige all huddle up to buck Adrienne up about what a b*tch The Glands is.
Next thing we know, Adrienne is looking for Dr. Paul and the party planner tells her he got mad and took off. Adrienne seems totally unsurprised by this news, which speaks for itself, before turning to spot Paul clinging to a branch above pretending to be part of a tree, if a very precariously perched tree particle. Everyone collapses in howls of laughter. Adrienne shouts at Dr. Paul that everywhere she looks she sees beautiful people, “and then I see you”. The crowd thinks Dr. Paul is self-effacing and funny. Adrienne thinks he is a pathetic attention whore. And, divorce. Oof-Ifs no more.
“The next day”, whether it is or isn’t, the Oof-If split is announced online, on that hard news outlet TMZ of course. Pffft. “The next day” is, ironically, the day of the Pumps’ housewarming party (having fled the Oof-If hood for a more hospitable area) and vow renewal. The party will feature a pink carpet, a pink rose heart, and pink pink pink everywhere. It’s like a giant tampon commercial. The party is to begin in less than 90 minutes and Franck does not have his sh*t together. Crap is all over the place and there’s a tool cart on the lawn that at my house is usually to be found next to the explosion of Legos it is meant to contain. Franck appeases Lady Pump by taking off his pants to arrange the floating flower arrangements in the pool. Doesn’t he have people for that? Who’s the pathetic attention whore now?