Back at The Glands’ sh*tshack, she and her buddy Celebrity Rehab Jennifer get into a limo for the long ride to Villa Rosybits. The big topic is: the Oof-If split. And the big question is: will Adrienne come to the party? The Glands thinks the timing of all this is suspect and that it’s a big publicity stunt, remarking on the many rumors that have surrounded their marriage: separate lives, separate bedrooms, affairs, an open marriage. I have to say, when a marriage like theirs goes from party to TMZ “overnight” and is dissolved as quickly as it was – home sold, custody issues settled even despite wild abuse allegations, finances arranged – it’s hard to perceive it as not pre-planned.
In their own limo, Kyle is practically weeping in grief and tells Mauricio she is so shocked because she thought the troubles they had been through recently were bringing the Oof-Ifs closer together. Mauricio harrumphs. Did something revealing about Dr. Paul happen at the lady shoe race? Back in The Glands’ limo, she tells CRJ that Yo had called her and told her all about the Heathers gleeful text rehashing and how they all accused her of flirting with their husbands. Who has The Glands flirted with besides Mr. Lisa, she wants to know? Dean? Mauricio? Paul? Case closed. The Glands feels Marisa should have come to her if she couldn’t take a joke, and I agree. But I also think The Glands set herself up. You have to watch your bony butt when you are a Housewife…
A winged pig soars over the Pumps’ moat as Kim, of all the blessed people, arrives FIRST to the pink Pump party. Not just first among equal Housewives, first among all guests, apparently determined to show Lisa the new leaf she’s turned over. Shortly thereafter Pandy and Mr. Pandy arrive, followed by The Glands and CRJ, Marisa and her bizarro mother, Yo, and then the Umanskys, with Kyle attired in her Forever in Caftans opening party reject constrictor dress. Camille arrives with two disciples, followed by Tay on the arms of twin pocket gays looking way overstimulated and oversprayed. The Glands gets nervous because there’s a priest here, so she and Lisa seize the opportunity to corner Mauricio. “Have I ever flirted with you?” The Glands demands to know. “No,” rumbles Maurice. “Have I?” asks Lisa. “Yes,” Maurice affirms. Enough said.
The Glands points out to Lisa that the same writer for RadarOnline who posted the grammatically-challenged article about the Oof-If split that morning also posted a bit about how The Glands had sex in Mopsy’s bathroom at the White Party. What a coincidence! Around the party, various Wives weigh in on the split: Kim thinks that stress is inevitable, and in a real marriage you are a team and weather extra stress together. Kyle thinks the Glandular stress was bringing them together. Camille thinks the Glandular stress was driving them apart. Adrienne’s own friend Wendy says Adrienne told her she left Paul because he was an attention whore and his priorities were “out of whack”. Not a word of Glandular stress in that sentence.
In other party gossip, the torch-carrying ex-Mrs. David Foster arrives and, taking a page from the Yo Guide to Housekeeping has brought a jar of her “homemade” jam. Yo is totally unfazed by the interaction and calmly air-kisses the canning expert. Lisa seems more shocked that this woman is here and I am guessing did not invite her. Meanwhile, Marisa asks Kyle about the rumors she had a full body makeover, and Kyle says she had her love handles done, not a top-to-bottom lift. Methinks she is hiding something, probably tucked up into her Bump-It and held in place by her butterfly clamp. Yo and Lisa and their husbands get into a discussion about whether being a servant to your husband is a sign of strength or doormattiness. Yo wants to buy David a plane. Lisa wants Yo to buy David a plane so she can hitch rides on it, because that’s how not-that-rich people roll. And then Feige arrives with her ugly fiance ET, and I hear a wheel getting squeaky.
Yo rounds up The Glands and they head off to confront Marisa by the pool. “Here’s your chance to ask The Glands about the text she sent you,” announces Yo. “Why did you wait to talk about it when she wasn’t around?” Oooh, fighting words! Marisa totally backs off from “last night’s” commentary and tells The Glands that she “saw her point” in the hall pass comment. Whuh? The two argue about whether Marisa’s constant mangaping is a sign of marital weakness or not. Yo finds it appalling that Marisa is constantly scoping other men. Marisa thinks it’s just a joke. Wasn’t The Glands’ text just a joke, too?
Well you know who is absolutely sure it was not a joke at all is FEIGE, who has been lurking behind a large pink potted topiary and now sees her chance to pounce. “You are not involved in this,” the Glands warns. “You can go.” ” I am involved in EVERYTHING,” sleeks Feige. “I will NOT go.” They each tell each other to be a lady for once. Camille is on the sidelines with her Feige pom-poms (beige and brown) at the ready. Yo tells Feige to butt out. Feige tells Yo, “Darling, you are being misled by this bad girl.” Yo says she can take care of herself. Even Marisa wants Feige to go away.
Feige tells The Glands that she “just wants to be part of the conversation” which is none of her business, and that “no matter how many Chanels you borrow, you will never be a lady.” Oooh, burn! The Glands tells us, again, that Feige isn’t going to be a lady ever either, because she “walked up to the conversation, put her dick on the table, and decided they need to have a talk”. I love that quote, and Mr. Andy must love it too because he’s used it twice this season. Feige then accuses The Glands of breaking up the otherwise-fairy-tale-happy Oof-If family and putting them through hell “like everyone else”. Like everyone else who has gone on this ridiculous franchise, yes. Yo tells Feige she is pathetic and she and The Glands are OUT.
Next time: Kim’s having another meltdown about something or other, Adrienne shows up in a flood of tears, Feige takes on The Glands AND Lisa, and what side will Kyle end up on? And that, my friends, will finally be the end, followed immediately by Rehash Session #1. Get comfy now.
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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