REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 3/25/13

Back at the Pump Vow Renewal, where David air kisses a passing hello to his ex-wife, Linda Thompson, before taking off. That man never stays long, does he? He and Yo must have to take two cars everywhere. Franck is showing off his slippers. Pandypump and Jason are enjoying the view. The Glands, Yo, Celebrity Rehab Jennifer, and Lisa are at the bar bitching about Feige. “You ruined a family,” mimics Yo, sniping about Feige and her wild accusations. “How dumb can you be?” Indeed. If the Oof-If marriage actually collapsed under the weight of The Glands calling them out for hiring a gestational carrier than I would submit they probably weren’t qualified to be married in the first place. Talk about denigrating the institution – I thought they were all Catholic and went to pre-cana and stuff? They must have gone to the six-week series about how masturbation is the greatest threat to the marital covenant that my sister and brother-in-law got stuck at (Denver, CO diocese) because they missed some important stuff. Like, you get married, you deal with the sh*t. Because sh*t will fly, you can count on it.

CRJ goes to collect Marisa so they can finish the fight Loathsome Feige injected herself into, and they ultimately come to the conclusion that Marisa actually agrees with the point The Glands was making about how she needs to shut it with the marital complaints if she doesn’t intend to put her cookie where her mouth is, as it were. Marisa acknowledges that she shouldn’t have thrown The Glands under the bus, and that it was really pretty underhanded of Loathsome Feige to involve herself as backing up Marisa was hardly her purpose. Marisa really bends with the prevailing wind, which is why she’s FO.

Tay, seeking a purpose, goes and gets all teary with Linda Thompson about whether its okay if she’s friendly with Yo. These two are so incredibly close, yet the only opportunity they have to discuss this topic is at a big party with cameras? Are we done with Tay now? Please let it be, Mr. Andy. Whisper words of wisdom.

So while things are mellow Lisa seeks out Feige to give her a Vander Pump to the caboose. Feige accuses Lisa of using The Glands to get even with Adrienne, but smoothly adds a “darling” into the sentence because she is a BH Lady, of day, night, perhaps round-the-clock. Lisa tells Feige that she finds that suggestion insulting because she is perfectly capable of fighting her own battles, plus Feige is Lisa’s (unwanted) guest so she should check it. They argue about what The Glands was doing in the bathroom, which is another stupid issue, and then Feige drops in the observation that everything Lisa does is like a chess move that Kyle previously used on last season’s reunion. Eeeek! Lisa smells a conspiracy! “Checkmate, bitch,” says Lisa. Here comes the bus.

Lisa would kick Feige out except for Kyle, and of course Production. She informs Feige that she’s been just as much Kyle’s mouthpiece as Feige claims The Glands is Lisa’s, so they are even. Yo storms up and here comes ever-helpful Tay! Who’s going to hold her earrings? Now it’s 7 on 1, or maybe 2 if Kyle’s really on Team Feige, which seems not entirely settled, as the disagreement breaks into a slappy-type argument about what The Glands was doing in the bathroom and whether her conduct was of a nature that could have caused emotional distress to impressionable Lil’ Portia had she had occasion to burst into the bathroom at 1 a.m. Feige announces that “this is really boring” and for once, and only this once, I am going to have to agree with her.

So let’s talk about Feige’s outfit for a minute: does anyone remember those fingerless lace gloves Madonna used to wear back when she was fat (circa “Holiday”, for example)? I am betting some bride got seafoam ones for her wedding party and now one half of a pair was resold to Feige at Forever In Caftans. This color does nothing for Feige except bring out her green froggy undertones. Feige and The Glands snipe at each other about who is obsessed with the other more, and the fight breaks up without going squirrel monkey. Feige stalks off, squeezing her silicone fun bags and bony butt between The Glands, who stubbornly won’t move aside, and a pedestal or something. Goodbye, Feige, and please stay gone.

So after failing to back up Lisa against Feige, Kyle attempts to reason with everyone that there could theoretically be a legitimate basis for Feige to be worked up about what may or may not have been going on in Lil’ Portia’s bathroom, even if she, mother of the delicate flower, couldn’t care less, because The Glands was mean to Adrienne, you know, poor Adrienne, which is when Kimmy loses her shiitake entirely, wildly splitting hairs and getting all frantic about how mean The Glands was to her and how Kyle isn’t mad enough about it. Kimmy tells us that Kyle ruined her life first (accusing her of being an alcoholic on the first season finale), and The Glands did it the second time (accusing her of being a meth head at last season’s game night when Kimmy hid her crutches). I can see why she wouldn’t be over it, but I also think if she doesn’t want these to be her labels she shouldn’t keep bringing them up. If she didn’t talk about the incidents they wouldn’t make it into Mr. Andy’s flashback montage, you know.

Putting Feral Feige behind us for what I hope is the last we will have to deal with her, we turn to the Pump Vow Renewal, which is really the reason why we came. Lisa shares with us that she and Mr. Lisa got married when she was 21 after just three months together. As crazy as that sounds, I know more than one eternal couple who got together in a similar fashion, including my childhood best friend’s parents who eloped on their first date. It’s all about love and commitment! Lisa claims this is also Pandora and Jason’s anniversary (I don’t know about that, but it’s the anniversary episode of their wedding episode, so we can just pretend) and she hopes Pandy learns how to treat her husband through Lisa’s example HINT HINT ADRIENNE.