It looks like Harry Hamlin likes his wife too. Lisa Rinna happily shows off the dangly diamond earrings he gave her as a gift for her birthday to her daughter and two of her daughter’s friends. Then she picks up the phone and calls her parents and her mother and father scream into the phone at the same time just like my parents insist on doing in a way that maybe I’d see as delightful if I happened to be deaf. While she chats with them, Lisa finds out that her father was recently in the hospital and she hears all kinds of stressful stories that make her less comfortable than she was before she called over there in the first place. It’s in this sequence that I think I’ve pinpointed what it is that I find most interesting about Lisa Rinna: she doesn’t put a glossy spin on things. She will actually admit that she doesn’t call her family nearly as often as she should and you can sense that she feels a little bit guilty about that but it’s also possible to guess that maybe she’s keeping her emotional distance in an effort to protect herself from feeling too much. She’s that rare Housewife (and person) who is willing to come right out and admit her own shortcomings and I think I find that quality really f*cking refreshing after years of listening to women with no self-awareness assert that they know exactly who they are and that they refuse to apologize for it while twirling in a chiffon dress during the opening credits of this show.
Speaking of a woman who claims to know herself very well, Kyle calls Lisa and explains that they should just meet at the villa in Tuscany – and that’s the exact same thing I said to my best friend just yesterday proving once again that Housewives are indeed just like you and me. But it’s in this scene when I begin to feel sorry for the bullsh*t Kyle has to wade through in relation to her family. It turns out that Kyle is not going to London anymore. She will not be attending the wedding of the century. She will not be able to pilfer pebbles from Kensington Gardens and stuff them into her cleavage so she can sell them on eBay at a later date because she is no longer invited to the big day. She was actually asked to stay away because of all the conflict that’s going on in the family and something became abundantly clear to me: I might not like Kyle, but I seriously hate her sister Kim. And based on everything I’ve ever seen or heard about the other sister, Kathy Hilton, she appears to be a harrowing nightmare in human form. Anyway, it turns out that when it comes to any interaction involving these three women, I feel like I’m watching the World Series and Boston is playing and my plan is to root for whichever team is playing the Red Sox. There might be no balls involved in this particular situation, but as far as I’m concerned, Kim and Kathy are the Red Sox, my sympathy lies entirely with Kyle and look – here come the locusts!
Being a normal person, Lisa’s response to hearing about Kyle’s banishment is one of shock and sadness. She thinks the repercussions of this decree could impact the family forever whereas the situation that caused the decree will be yet another thing that everyone will eventually pretend to forget. Kyle is genuinely upset and offended that she’s not going to be at her niece’s wedding and as much as it pains me to admit it (seriously, my stomach hurts while I’m typing this sentence), I think only part of her sadness is due to the fact that she’s not going to be able to tell everybody that she recently strolled down the cobblestone pathways where actual royalty park their Range Rovers.
While Kyle is losing family in theory, Eileen and Vince have lost loved ones for real. They are in Palm Springs to see the star that Vince’s late father was given on the walk of fame and they make the trip in the dry but sweltering heat in an effort to honor him. Not only has her father-in-law just passed away, but Eileen’s sister also recently died and both Eileen and Vince appear emotional and solemn and the support this husband and wife offer one another is actually really nice to see.
Inside a dark bar, the two Lisas meet up to discuss Lisa Vanderpump’s plan to purchase a mini horse for Ken’s birthday because the guy already has a Fitbit. One problem: the horse lives in Ohio so Lisa asks if Ms. Rinna will travel with her to pick up the animal. Oh, and can the horse stay with her for a few days before she gives it to Ken? And can the horse sleep in her bed, preferably between Lisa and Harry? And can she maybe not give the pony collagen injections in his lips during his brief stay at her mansion?
One person who is dealing with way fewer ponies and far less silliness in her every day is Yolanda. She’s at her oral surgeon to remove her crowns in order to determine why the metal levels in her body are so high and whether or not it’s something imbedded in her teeth that could possibly be the culprit. She has an enormous color-coded binder with her – the kind that Brooks should have doctored to actually get away the long-con he was allegedly running over in Orange County – and as she shows the doctor her information, she begins to cry because she wants to be sure that anything entering her body from this day forward will be something healthy and beneficial. (Due to the serious nature of this scene, I shall now refrain from making a joke about David Foster’s penis.) Tears fall down Yolanda’s cheeks as she softly wishes to just have her life back and that’s when her husband walks into the room to offer his support and the moment he reaches out to hold her hand, she begins to choke. I don’t think it’s the first time anyone has gagged while in David’s presence, but this is definitely the most upsetting example in the books.
Then comes a moment straight out of Marathon Man – which I suppose is better than a moment straight out of Deliverance, but it was still all pretty unpleasant to watch. One of Yolanda’s crowns is yanked out onscreen. We don’t see much, but there’s a cracking-tearing-ripping-from-the-root-of-the-gums sound effect that goes along with the brief visual and all of this is depressing as f*ck, as is the moment when David responds to Yolanda’s question of, “Aren’t you glad you married me?” by quickly walking out the door.
Zipping down the high seas, Kyle and her lucky brood have already docked in Nice, Cannes, and St. Tropez. Now they are pulling the enormous yacht into yet another harbor where they are served an exquisite meal by a full staff and none of this excess could possibly warp her youngest child so stop being silly for even considering such a thing. Meanwhile, Lisa and Ken arrive in Italy and pass through bucolic fields on the way to the villa and I’m wondering if I should try to take back every hideous thing I have ever said about Kyle and actually make that solidarity pin for real so that maybe she will invite me on her next family vacation. I’ll even toss out a suggestion: we should go to Australia, but just know that if a kangaroo runs away with her, it totally wasn’t my fault.
The Tuscany portion of the vacation looks like a melted and hazy dream. The sun shines down in glorious golden rays as Mauricio swims laps in the pool, Portia prances happily through a garden, and Kyle wears a dress made from every fitted sheet she has slept on since the age of six. She and Lisa hop into the Ferrari and nobody should be nervous about any of it because Kyle has been driving since she was thirteen years old because hers was the kind of mother who was “a rule-breaker” and the more I hear about the woman who was actually called Big Kathy, the more I understand how it is that Kim Richards grew up to be so f*cking damaged.