Back in California, Lisa and Eileen go to visit Yolanda. Daisy, Yolanda’s Health Advocate, answers the door and they are welcomed into Yolanda’s bedroom where she is sprawled Camille-like on the bed. Before they go in to see her, they ogle some photographs of Yolanda’s gorgeous children and Lisa Rinna reveals that one of her daughters has a massive crush on Yolanda’s son and that he’s like Jesus in her family. Then Lisa laughs, knowing full well that her daughter (either Amelia or Delilah – I can’t tell them apart) is going to be mortified and it’s mini moments like this one that I think teach a kid how to take things as a joke and learn to laugh at herself. Sure, the kid might not be able to laugh about any of this until she’s made it clear through her twenties, but I think Lisa should keep her phone near her in about a decade because her daughter will probably call her at some point to giggle over how crazy her mother behaved on television. But nothing is funny anymore when they see Yolanda’s home pharmacy. There are pills and inoculations and vitamins and bottles as far as the eye can see and simply glancing at the drug-filled closet is difficult for Eileen because all of it reminds her of her sister’s rapid decline and eventual death. Yolanda appears wan and tired and she’s wrapped in a robe and she tells her two friends about her recent infection where a parasite that was two feet long was allegedly found slithering through her delicate system. Then she drinks some green juice and informs the ladies that she’s been getting a colonic every single week. What I’ll say here is this: if Yolanda is truly as sick as she appears to be, I’m scared for her.
In the backyard of the Tuscan villa, Lisa and Kyle sip margaritas and dodge mosquitos and discuss Yolanda’s health. Lisa knows that Yolanda has been all over the globe searching for a cure to an illness she’s not sure is Lyme disease anymore. She knows that Yolanda has undergone stem cell treatments. And she knows that something must be very wrong because the woman has been home in bed for months and months now, but Kyle wonders aloud if some of what she’s going through is perhaps psychosomatic and I don’t think it makes her a bad person to consider that there’s maybe some truth to that. And now I’ve just made an argument about how Kyle Richards is not a bad person and I just don’t know who I am anymore and look – here come the diseased livestock!
Sitting down to dinner in the garden, Ken explains that he feels lucky to be turning seventy while Lisa feels lucky that the guy she was paired with a few seasons ago on Dancing with the Stars grinded into her from behind all in the name of a sparkly Mirror Ball. But her retrospective joy turns into straight confusion when Kyle lets it drop oh so cavalierly that she is now going to London to attend Nicky’s wedding. Lisa wants to know what happened and Kyle really doesn’t want to discuss any of it. The reason could be that her kids are surrounding her at the moment and she’s trying to shield them from some of this bullsh*t or maybe it’s because the cameras are pointed straight at her head and Kyle’s entire family values its privacy. (Stop laughing!) All that said, there’s no doubt this situation and the logistics involved are bizarre. Kyle and Portia will be at the wedding but Mauricio and her other daughters will not. It’s hard at first to fully understand whether or not some of Kyle’s kids were even invited or put on a do-not-admit list in indelible ink or if they’re boycotting the wedding on their own accord, but it eventually comes out that Kyle’s niece literally invited some of her cousins without extending an invite to the others. I’ve heard that Mauricio had some business conflict with Nicky’s father and perhaps that’s why he’s persona non grata, but none of the confusion will really be cleared up because Kyle doesn’t want to explain anything. None of this is anybody’s business, she asserts to her reality production camera crew, and Lisa thinks the entire dynamic is complicated and gross and she says so before one of Kyle’s raven-haired kids suggests that they all stop talking about any of it because the subject is upsetting and over in Richards World, the art of repression is mastered long before both potty training and language.
Next week, the two Lisas travel to pick up a pony that’s wearing a pink tutu (because, sure) and Lisa Rinna almost gives the chubby animal a case of body dimorphic disorder. There will also be a party for Ken’s birthday that for some unknown reason involves the guests wearing terrible hats and it is there, under a brim not nearly large enough to shield her mouth from the midday sun, that we first see Former Housewife Taylor Armstrong. She is back (for now) and she finds it very curious that Yolanda is sick all of a sudden because it’s not like a disease can just spring forth out of nowhere and ravage your body. Lisa Rinna takes one look at this bitch who is talking sh*t about her friend and is also clearly trying to steal the crown she was given for having the largest lips in the galaxy and I think a genuine conflict is brewing but here I don’t feel conflicted the way I did when I found myself rooting for Kyle. The line I drew in the sand long ago is still partially visible. I couldn’t stand Taylor Armstrong then and I bet I won’t be able to stand her now and I cannot believe that she is back on this show and look – here comes the darkness.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.